THE JOURNEY TO "FIGURING IT OUT" BEGINS TODAY

 After a two-year blogging hiatus, a separation, another pregnancy and another child, I have reinvented myself and I am back.

It was Mother’s Day weekend and I was not with my children. I was on an isolated retreat site overlooking the Russian River with plush greenery all around me and a small cold cabin with a cement floor as my sleeping quarters. The retreat was anchored around Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements, which are to: Be impeccable with our words, to not take things personally, to not make assumptions and to always do our best. Throughout the weekend cycles of tears, laughter, creativity flowed freely as we took turns sharing stories.

By this point, we had been separated for two years. Our eldest daughter E was two the day that we split. It was not amiable. It was not gentle. It was not pretty. Layers of hurt and deep uncommunicated thoughts, assumptions, well intentioned but misunderstood ideas and pain erupted. But that’s another story for another time.

As I sat pretzel style on the carpeted floor with the women on retreat as people took turns sharing snippets and stories of their past, there is something that struck a deep chord with me. A woman covered in tatoos with wavy short blonde hair led a workshop on soul collages. She flippantly shared a card that she had created using old magazines and intuition to piece the images together and later meditated to learn the meaning of her card.

“This is my inner child, the three year old version of myself,” she explained. “That is the last time I felt truly safe and secure. After that, my parents divorced.” She went on to rationalize. “I know it is what they needed to do and I completely understand it now.” That all made sense and she did seem to be a lovely, well-adjusted person, the part that stuck with me is that it took her three decades to come to terms with that. Another woman with jet black curly hair and a perfectly round face talked about the pain of looking into the mirror and seeing her father looking back at her in her reflection, rather than her mother who had single-handedly raised her. She shed a tear as she contemplated the lifelong questions, “Am I enough?” “What would have happened if my dad would have stuck with us?” Versions of these stories repeated themselves over and over all weekend long.

On Sunday afternoon, I came home to my empty, quiet house. When the three of them pulled up in my silver SUV I had lent them for the weekend, I felt butterflies of happiness in my stomach. E was ecstatic about giving me the beautiful tin-can covered with cut out scraps of pink paper and flower-shaped stickers that we co-crafted during mommy-and-me day at her school. “Happy Mother’s Day Mommy!” she said with an ear-to-ear smile her deep brown eyes that matched her dad and her sweet pug nose that matched mine and her beautiful brown hair that was a hybrid of the two of us. Delilah’s eyes lit up and she could not wait to get out of her car seat--perhaps in part because she had been away from mama’s milk all weekend. Hector and me gave each other a fist-bump and smiled at each other. We ended up having an early dinner, going to play at a park and then coming home and filling the bike tires so we could debut our new bike and rolling pull-along stroller. The day kept going and the kids were not eager to transition to bedtime. E relishes in the times when she has both mommy and daddy with her. “Mommy, today daddy will stay and read me a story,” she declares.

“Will you daddy?” she asks. The two of us strategically snuggle with our children, who are both on top of the bed. Just as it starts to get quiet and daddy mentions that he will go soon.

“Daddy, I am hungry for grapefruit, can you get up with me?” Eventually he does. In my heart, I know that she is not being defiant. Her little heart and mind are stretching out the family togetherness time as far as she possibly can.

When the kids go to sleep, we hold hands and talk about some of the hiccups we are facing. In essence, we are two people who love our children, and dare I say it, love each other. In theory, either of us could have moved on by now, but in practice, neither of us have. We have some residual hurt--some instances of feeling unheard, unacknowledged, unloved, abandoned, held back and list goes on. We have different views of where we would like to live, different parenting styles, and the list of differences goes on and on. Our co-parenting therapist would look at that list and say that it proves that we are at the point of no-return. But during that moment of emotional intimacy with our hands touching, we played with the idea of writing a new narrative with a different (not perfect but happier) ending. What if we build on the small pieces that work and figure out a way to divvy up, cope with, work around the parts that trigger or misalign? What if we build on the foundation of our beloved children and the simple fact that we do love each other (rather than critiquing our love’s adequacy). 

(Two days later-after a triggering emotional roller coaster ride) What if we acknowledge that getting it “right” does not necessarily translate to a fairy tale romantic ending, that it could be as simple as finding a sustainable rhythm for maintaining peace, harmony and healthiness for our children with minimal conflict between their parents? And finally, there’s the part where I acknowledge that I will just have to focus on doing my part, because I can only control what I do. This means trying to live out a version of The Four Agreements to show up as the best version of myself and mom that I can be without taking things personally, regardless if someone else is foregoing impeccability with words to say horrible things rooted in assumptions.

11 Unsolicited Tips for Doctors & Nurses from a Doula

Hello Friends,
It has been a long time--a really long time. It's been so long that the tiny baby has quadrupled her weight (reaching 24 pounds), learned to pee in the potty chair, and fully discovered her voice and sense of resiliency! Some people call this phase the "terrible two" phase, but I refuse. It's the phase where she is testing out boundaries, learning to express herself, figuring out her personality and growing. Yes, she gives me a run for my money from time to time, but that is exactly what a two-year old is supposed to do.

In addition to my baby blossoming into beautiful, vibrant two year old,
a lot has happened in my life as well! For those of you who saw my last 2011 blog, you know that my birthing experience, although natural, was somewhat disempowering. Like many women, I felt unheard, silenced, scolded, and the list goes on. My life mantra is that when life doesn't go as planned, it's best to embrace it as content (at first) and then do something about it. This philosophy ultimately led me to go to become a doula. I thought it would be a way for me to reclaim my experience and help other women feel heard and validated in a way that I didn't.

This week as I was with my client, who is also my friend and the mother of my daughter's friend, as she delivered her baby, I was reminded about how important doulas can be when navigating the system. After experiencing weeks of contractions and spending an entire night in the hospital at the 37 week mark, my client "Jane" and her husband decided that if their baby boy hadn't arrived by his due date, they would expedite his journey by getting induced. Although in the birthing room, it's up to the doula to support mama and her partner as they negotiate their options, while mama prepares to endure THE MOST excruciating pain a human being will ever experience and then when she actually goes through it. The doula's role is to present options, make gentle suggestions when solicited or welcome, to read the vibe, to coach daddy or support person, to help mama find and use her voice and know when to step in and when to step back. The role is never to speak to the doctor on behalf of the client. But, for the sake of this blog, this doula has some thoughts to share.

10 Tips for Doctors & Nurses from a Doula
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1. Instead of being dismissive, validate your patient. This might be "business as usual" for you, but the process of giving birth is one of the most vulnerable times in a woman's life. When she says, it's really important for me not to have a 'C-section,' don't say "I'm not sure that that's up to you," as you chuckle, "but it's highly unlikely unless something goes very wrong."

2. Lead with the positive instead of casually mentioning worse-case scenarios. Try saying, "I hear you. We'll do everything possible to help you have a natural birth. We would only do a C-section if there was an emergency. You've shared all of the information but framed it in a positive empowering way, which will make mom feel better about working with you and trusting you.

3. Don't pressure her. Jane got to choose between getting her water broken or simply getting induced with a little bit of petocin. She opted to get a low dose of petocin and continue to move around the hospital as she waited for her water to break naturally. The doctor returned an hour later (at 10:30 am) and said, "Ok, are you ready for us to break your water." When she said "no," he began rambling and asked her what her cut off time was. "If you're water hasn't broken by midnight, then will you have us break it?" Her husband was a champion and said calmly that they would let him know closer to midnight.

4. Empathize with mama. We all know that we are anxiously waiting for mama to go into hard-core labor because that is what has to happen for her to deliver her baby. But in the onset of back to back, breath-stopping contractions, empathize. Imagine experiencing the breath stopping pain, that pierces through your entire core, the worse pain of your life, as the people around you are casually chatting, discussing lunch plans or talking about their annoyances for hospital gloves. Try saying "this is hard, but you will get through this. Let your body do what it needs to do. We are here for you."

5. Communicate. More information is better than less. As my client was on all fours, feeling fully ready to push her baby into the world, the nurse prepared the room with blue tarps and got the medical instruments ready. Go ahead and tell the patient what you are doing. Although you are there and ready to take care of her, she doesn't know that. Assure her that you are getting the room ready and that the doctor will arrive soon. This will help prevent her from panicking.

6. Don't scold her. Even if you scold her and scream at her not to push, her body is telling her to push (especially if she is doing this naturally without drugs). Instead, remind her to breath and let her know that it's almost time to push.

7. When the baby arrives, acknowledge him/her. This might be the tenth baby that you've delivered today, but this is the precious bundle of joy that mama has been nurturing in her body for the past 40 weeks and already has grandiose plans for the baby. After you suction the baby and make sure that he/she is stable, take a second or two to acknowledge baby. "You've got a beautiful baby boy!" It doesn't matter if you actually think the baby is beautiful, to mama, that little child is the most amazing thing on the planet. Honor him/her.

8. Congratulate mama! Bringing a baby into the world is kind of enough said.

9. Listen to mama. When you are sewing mama up and she says she can feel what you are doing and that it hurts or it makes her feel scared, for god sakes, listen to her. Talk to her about what you are going to do and why. If it seems like a no-brainer to you, it's because you're a doctor. If you are a man, please remember that you are a man and that you have never and will never experience this. If it's possible to give her more local anesthetic, consider doing that. But, whatever you do, don't tell her it shouldn't hurt or she shouldn't feel it. She already told you that it does hurt and she does feel it.

10. Know that every mama comes with a story. Be compassionate. In the United States one in four women have been victims of sexual assault and one in three women have experience dating or domestic violence. That means that as many as one in three woman arrive at the labor and delivery room having their bodies violated. Imagine how triggering the experience of losing control of your body and then laying in place while someone is sewing your torn vagina back together could be. It has to be done, but be kind, listen, communicate and validate as you do what you have to do.

Christmas surprise

Christmas Eve morning, my significant other and I packed a picnic and took a drive up to the top of Mount Diablo. My stomach was feeling a little bit uneasy and as soon as we made it to the top of the eleven mile mountain, I jumped out of the car, got down on my knees and threw up for a good five minutes. After that, I felt better and was all set to go for a light hike on top of the beautiful natural site. After a long nap, we headed to San Francisco to celebrate Christmas and then decided to go to midnight mass to welcome Christmas. During mass, my baby was squirmy--even squirmier than usual. I leaned over to my significant other and jokingly told him that I was pretty sure our baby was just about ready to join us. At 1am, we parked outside of my apartment complex and debated if we should exchange our gifts that night or wait until Christmas morning. As we chatted and walked toward my apartment in the freezing cold night, I felt something warm and wet gush through my pants. I know that very few women have water that breaks in a gush and I had given up on the idea that my baby would arrive on Christmas eve, so I was in a bit of shock. Maybe it's something else, I said to myself before saying anything to my significant other. I took another step and felt another gush. "Honey, I think it's happening," I said.
"It's ok. We will be fine. Let's go in the house and check and then we can call the doctor if we need to," he assured me, trying to keep me calm.

We got into the house and I ran to the bathroom and the water just kept on flowing. I stepped into the shower and the water continued to flow out of me, as if I was a waterfall. I called the doctor as I stood in the bathtub and they suggested that I come in to confirm that in fact my water had broken. There was no question though...we knew the water had broken and there'd be no turning back. Unfortunately though, we were sure that the baby was going to arrive late that my hospital bag was no longer packed. We scrambled to find the ipod, the floppy frog that played the i-pod, pictures, appropriate clothing and more. By the time we were packed, it was after 2am. There was one more order of business that had to be taken care of before we could go to the hospital. We needed to exchange our Christmas gifts. We sat down under the Christmas tree and did a quick swap of gifts and exchanged a quick kiss. "Ok, this is it!" we said to each other. By 3:00am, we were at the hospital.

It still hadn't quite registered for me that in a matter of hours, we'd have a baby. Everything we'd learned in our birthing classes and on the videos we'd watched and books we'd read became fairly irrelevant. The hospital didn't have my birthing plan on hand. Once my contraction monitor was in place, I realized that all the jabbing back pains I'd been experiencing for the past weeks were contractions. In the labor room, my significant other settled into the cot and I got into the bed. We thought we'd rest up in early labor  and be fully energized and ready to push when the baby was ready to arrive. Turned out we were wrong. Every 15 minutes a nurse, a lab assistant, a midwife or someone else was in to check on me. By 8am, the midwife checked me and saw that I was 1.5 cm dilated..she to my dismay recommended that I start petocin. I negotiated and asked her to give me some more time. My significant other and I then put on our jackets and headed out of the room. We walked up and down stair cases, around the hospital repeatedly and then came back to the room. We repeated this a few times throughout the morning. At noon, a new midwife was on duty and was ready to begin administering petocin. I negotiated one more time. I asked her to give me two more hours to be active and see how much progress I could make on my own. By this point though, I could no longer walk more than a step or two at a time without keeling over or grabbing onto a pole, a wall or my significant other. I had a strong urge to push and was certain that they'd find that I was dilated and no longer in need of the petocin. When I got back to the room, the midwife let me know that she wasn't checking me again and that they were going to go ahead and administer petocin. I felt deflated and completely out of control of my own body. By now, my pain level was registering at a 9 or a 10 and I was feeling a constant urge to push. The nurse came in and let me know that she started petocin and came back a few minutes later letting us know that she'd doubled the dosage. I asked for a relaxant to take the edge of. The nurse than administered a four hour narcotic, as the entire medical team was sure I was no where close to delivering. The medicine took the edge off and knocked me out for up to 30 seconds at a time and then I found myself waking up in pain, laying on my side and pushing. I couldn't help it. It was almost like the pushes were completely involuntary. The midwife finally came to recheck me just to appease me and then confirmed that I was at 9.5 cm dilated and then all of a sudden, I was at a 10. I was in full labor while under the influence of the narcotic they'd given me just an hour earlier. First I used a squat bar and made some good progress. Then when I found my rhythm and was ready to keep pushing, the midwife removed the bar, had me get on my back and told me to hold my breath and be quiet. In all my classes, I'd learned about exhaling as a tactic for coping with pain and sound as the source of strength to get us through the intense pain and pushing. I had nurses on each side of me, pulling my legs back with a midwife sitting in front of me sternly instructing me of how and what to do. My significant other was at my side and encouraged me not to give up. "Honey you can do this. I saw her head. She has lots of hair. I know you can do it." The nurse brought the mirror and positioned it in front of me so I could see my progress. I could see the head crowing at the top of the contraction and then just when I thought the whole head was about to come out, my contraction ended and the baby went back inside. We repeated this process about 15 times. And then at last, we heard the click of a scissors--which was the sound of the midwife doing a second-degree episiotomy and then my baby girl was on my belly. What a relief! All of the chaos absolutely paid off and we were given the best Christmas present ever. A beautiful baby girl:).

Counting Blessings in the 40th Week.

I survived the first, second and third tri-mester, the 39th week and am now in the midst of the 40th week. Our daughter has turned into a wiggle worm, but she is snug and warm in my womb and so far as chosen to stay put:). It is now Christmas Eve, the day that I had mistakenly assumed to be the due date (it was actually two days earlier). The day is still young, so she still could decide to arrive today, but we'll wait and see. What I have noticed this holiday season is an extreme amount of kindness and touching moments lingering in the air. Maybe it's extra transparent, because of my extra pregnant state, but I thought I'd share some of the kind and touching highlights and lessons I was reminded of during my 40th week.

1. Everyone has a story with more depth to it than we might assume.
Last week while getting a pedicure, a white, seemingly upper-class woman in her late sixties came into the salon for a manicure. She brought a Christmas gift for her manicurist and chatted with me while she got her nails done. She asked the regular questions. Is this your first? When are you due? Is it a boy or a girl? Do you have a name? At some point, I turned the conversation. She shared that she had three children and a bunch of grand children. She referred to her current husband and her first one. Soon I learned that her first husband died in a tragic car accident when she was twenty-some weeks pregnant. As I listened to her story, feeling so grateful to have my partner alive and by my side for the pregnancy process. As I was digesting her story, I got a text message from another pregnant mommy that I'd been hanging out with throughout my pregnancy, saying that her contractions were just minutes apart and she was in the hospital waiting for her son to be born. All of a sudden, I found myself sitting in the nail salon with tears of happiness forming at the corner of my eyes.

2. Newborn babies are reminders of what we have to look forward to.
While going into my 39.5 week appointment, I passed a mother and her newborn baby in the waiting room. The sight of the two of them triggered an instant gush of tears. I remember in early pregnancy I was an emotional wreck, in mid-pregnancy, I was smooth sailing, but in extreme late pregnancy I'm filled with overwhelming emotions of happiness. Frankly it's embarrassing sometimes. But, oh well...we'll get through this.

3. Time with old friends is invaluable.
I have two special friends--one is ninety and his wife is just under ninety-one. The man always jokes that his wife robbed the cradle when she got him.  This past week, I visited the two of them to discover that they have adopted a new puppy. The two of them looked the most happy and radiant that I have seen them look in weeks. There is something extra special about spending time with people in their last phase of life as I prepare to welcome a baby into the very first phase of life.

4. Strangers can be very kind.
This week while braving the last minute holiday crowds, I made a series of purchases at Target. While I was waiting in life with my over-filled shopping cart, the woman behind me excused herself and walked to the front of the line. "Excuse me," she told the cashier. "I'm going to help load her cart." The woman than looked at me. "I'm so sorry, it took me a minute to see how pregnant you were. If I'd seen you sooner, I would have helped you earlier." I thanked her and told her I'd pay her good deed forward.

5. Everyone needs to know that someone cares about their well-being.
Yesterday when my boyfriend and I went to Kaiser for a delivery q and a session with a midwife, we started out in the standard way. The nurse called me back for preliminary vitals and the dreaded weight check. As the nurse checked my blood pressure, I looked up at her and asked her how her day was going today. The question triggered her. She broke down in tears and said, "not good...I'm trying to get through it, but I'm having a really hard day." We chatted a bit as she walked me to our room, but I could see she was in emotional pain. As we walked out after the appointment, we ran into the nurse again. Just before we exited, she said "Come here" and walked around the counter to meet us. "Let me give you a big hug." She did and she didn't let go for about thirty seconds. She thanked us for our kindness, apologized us for her meltdown and gave us blessings for our soon-to-arrive baby. I told her that sometimes when life feels out of control, we sink to the bottom of a pool before pushing off and then coming up for a fresh breath of air and a fresh start. "You know, that's exactly what I need to do," she said, as she wiped her tears from her eyes. As we walked away, I realized just how fragile we all can be. Sometimes all it takes is one person saying "How are you?" to remind us that we are never alone and that we will get through life's obstacles.

6. Sharing parking spaces is invaluable at this time of the year.
Yesterday after our appointment, we decided that we needed some frozen yogurt. We searched in the parking structure for a good amount of time. Then, a kind man walked out. "I'm right over here. Follow me," he said. He got in his car, opened his window and shouted "Merry Christmas."

7. Family--both biological family and chosen family--are so important.
During pregnancy, I've connected with some fantastic mamas in the making, formed deeper bonds with friends who already have children and with my significant other's sister--who is a friend, a mother and a family member by virtue of my relationship. My own family lives more than a thousand miles away so it's been fantastic to build connections with these friends. I've found that when you connect with others and share the positives of life as well as the struggles you're encountering (particularly with non-judgmental people), you can get through anything. Yesterday, I had an early morning chat with my significant other's sister and we reminded ourselves that sometimes in life it's worth setting aside our pride, letting our guard down and letting ourselves be vulnerable and authentic. The main risk of putting our full selves forward is the fear that others may reject us or not embrace us. But the risk of not doing that is far greater. Thank you for all of the important, reflective discussions:).

8. Always appreciate opportunities to take in the beauty of the world.
I'm grateful for the trip my significant other and I are about to take to Mount Diablo. It is a beautiful day in the Bay and what better way to celebrate our time together and the building of our family.

9. Look at unrealized timelines as lessons in patience. 
I'm learning from my Baby girl who was due a few days ago who valuable patience is. Rather than rushing her or feeling impatient with her, we're using this time to get extra prepared for her arrival and to schedule a few extra things together.

10. Be thankful for the kindness you'll encounter today. The day is just beginning. We haven't left the house yet, so it's hard to say what awaits us. But, I have learned enough about life to know that the energy we exude has something to do with the energy that we attract. If we go out into the world feeling positive and determined, we are bound to attract more of that. Merry Christmas!

39 Weeks!!!

Wow! Thirty-nine weeks ago, I was celebrating my birthday, sipping a glass of wine at Close Pegas winery and then watching the natural geysers in Calistoga with my significant other. I remember wearing a cute little white dress, gold wedge shoes and a fantastic over-sized gold ring and feeling so petite and cute that day. As I enjoyed the carefree day, I got excited while contemplating what the next year of life had in store for me and for us. I would have never in a million years guessed that thirty-nine weeks later, I'd be almost thirty-five pounds heavier, that I'd be in my second week of maternity leave and that I'd be on the brink of welcoming a baby girl to the world. But, here I am!

I can't remember the last time I experienced a full night of sleep! I've gotten used to mini meals at 4am. My significant other and I have had to adjust from our carefree, go with the flow lifestyles to the reality that by the end of the month we'll be parents and we'll have a small child counting on us. I still do reject the idea that many people from older generations try to push on us--the idea that once our baby enters the world, our lives will effectively be over. (I like to think that in order to be the best parents possible, we need to continue living, learning and growing along with our baby.) I've gone from working everyday, reporting for a radio station on the weekends and writing several evenings a week to spending a significant chunk of my free time with the mama-to-be friends (who are increasingly transitioning into mamas) and squeezing in a field story whenever I have the energy to do so. I've gone from being completely independent to now having my significant other want to join me while I'm covering stories like 'Occupy Oakland.' And rather than feeling hindered or like my independence is being compromised, I love his company. I'm learning everyday how to create space in my life for the blessing that will soon be joining us, how to go from being a fly-by-the-seat of my pants gal to a family woman:). Here's my latest round of discoveries for how to survive the final stage of pregnancy.

1. Don't use your busy schedule as an excuse to dodge your life issues. I was so busy with work and projects and so excited to start my maternity leave, and then when it finally began, I almost had a breakdown. People called me throughout the day and told me to live up my leave time, because my life would never be the same again. All of a sudden, all of the issues with my relationship that I'd put off thinking about because of my busy schedule starred me in the face. I kept the TV on and saw crappy talk shows and I imagined myself to be miserable stay-at-home mom. That night when I went to pick up my significant other from the train station, I greeted him in tears as I let him know that I didn't think I could do this. Like many dads in the pre-birth phase, he was also freaking out, but did so in silence as he spent hours playing games on his computer. That night we ended up talking about all of our hopes, fears and concerns--a conversation that was long overdue. We didn't come up with all of the answers and there are no sure-fire answers, but I felt more like we could find a way to handle this new adventure as a team.

2. Connect with other mommies-to-be and mommies. While taking pre-natal classes, I've managed to connect with some amazing friends who are going through the same life obstacles as me. Last week, I had brunch with two of my pregnant friends--A who was 39 weeks pregnant and F who was 34 weeks pregnant. We share our stories with each other about family pressure, transitioning from working women to women who will be spending significant amounts of time in the domestic front for at least a period of time, exchange stories about the bloopers we are experiencing with our significant others as we get ready for life changes, and more. You might find that many of your non-pregnant, childless friends are a little freaked out by your situation and aren't quite sure how to integrate you into plans anymore. Rather than resisting that or feeling hurt about it, go with it and accept that life changes. Lean on friends who are going through similar life experiences.

3. Read Amy Richard's 'Opting In.' Amy is a fantastic author who explores the issue of how woman can opt into motherhood without giving up on their own goals, dreams, visions and careers (if that's what they choose to do).  She's a strong feminist, a significant other, an activist, an author and a mom to two children. There are so many narrow messages out there about what it means to be a 'proper mom' that I think it's imperative to hear from women like Amy with a wider view of the complexities of motherhood and balance.

4. Bring lunch to new moms. Last week, my pregnant friends F and A brought lunch to our classmate from prenatal yoga who gave birth to a small baby a few weeks ahead of schedule. Prior to being pregnant and taking classes about pregnancy and how to treat new moms, I was likely a terrible visitor. I've learned that when you visit a new mom, there's nothing more important than being prepared to pitch in. Bring a meal, offer to hold her baby so she can take a breath or eat her meal. Whatever you do, don't expect her to take care of you:).

5. Be flexible with your plans. My baby is due in a week, but the last two weeks have showed zero progress in dialation. On my last visit, he let me know that my daughter may be dropping in on us a little bit later than expected. He offered tips for how to get her to arrive naturally in a timely manner without drugs like petocin or without a c-section, so I'll try those.

6. Stay active. My doctor advised me to walk everyday as if it's my job and then tongue in cheek, he suggested sex as a good way to keep everything moving along in a timely manner. In late pregnancy, both of those things can be challenging. Just as laying down, sitting or standing becomes uncomfortable, walking can be slightly uncomfortable and sex can seem more complicated than it's worth. But, my doc says it's good for your baby, for your body and for your relationship. Communicate with your partner. He can keep you company on your walks and together you can find your new rhythm for intimacy as well.

7, Make a daily to-do list. Think about things you'd like to accomplish each day and make a list. The list shouldn't just be house keeping projects, it should include things like exercise, time to touch base with friends, projects or hobbies you've been meaning to work on and for fun, throw in a few tasks that you've been meaning to take care of. Whatever you do, don't just vege out in front of the TV for the entire day.

8. Try your hand at a few new recipes or dinner creations and dine with your significant other whenever possible.  This is your time. Explore some healthy, but delicious options for dining. Cook and dine together whenever possible. Don't eat in front of the TV. Use meal time as another time to connect.

9. Communicate your boundaries and needs in a kind and respectful way. By virtue of carrying babies for nine-months, we're more connected to our babies and our needs as mothers than anyone else. While it's true that we didn't get pregnant by ourselves, there's no way for anyone--even our baby daddies--to know exactly what we need. If what you need is to have dad close by out of the reality that you fear going into labor alone, gently let him know. I've learned that others cannot read our minds. State what you need ahead of time to give dad an opportunity to understand and respond. Speak from the 'I' and be kind. Saying 'I'd really like you to be near me right now in case something happens' sounds much better than saying 'If you drink too much, don't come home tonight.' I made the mistake of saying the latter. My significant other immediately turned down his invitation from his friends, but I felt horrible. I felt so bad that I left the house, so he could go out without feeling bad. He ended up staying home and by the time I got home, I had terrible abdominal pain and we were afraid that stress would send me into labor. The moral of the story is be kind and direct. You want your partner to make decisions because they are good for the family...not because you guilt-tripped him.

10. Keep having date nights and date afternoons. In order to build a strong family together, you need a strong base. If your relationship suffers, it's difficult for the two of you to serve as a base for building a unified family on. Take time for each other. Communicate. Breath. Have fun. Laugh at mistakes. Be patient.

31 Weeks and Counting

Dear Baby,
If there's one thing that pregnancy has taught me, it is that there are few things in life that we have control of and if there is something that it confirms, it is that few things in life go according to plans. Tonight is your papa's birthday..I think it'll be a lucky birthday because he's turning 34 (and the two digits add up to seven). It was my dream to pull together his closest friends and family and put them all in one place to set their differences aside and enjoy his special day. It didn't quite work out that way. As it turns out, adults sometimes have a much harder time forgiving each other and setting aside their differences than children do. When we are young, we fall down and get back up and try again. As we get older, we sometimes lose our courage to get back up and try again. If there is one hope that I have for you, it is that you will never give up on getting back up and trying again no matter how many times you fall or how hard life may seem. It's exhausting at times, but it makes life worth living and it will keep you young.

These days, I feel you and see you moving inside of me. It is an incredible feeling and hard to imagine that in nine short weeks, you'll be here with us. When I was baby, I wanted to come out feet first, perhaps to hit the ground running. Guess what...so far, you're following your mama's pattern. I always planned for a natural childbirth, but you are teaching me to let go. If you choose to turn over prior to mama's delivery date, we'll go for the natural birth. If not, we'll do what doctor's say is safest. Letting go is just one of the many lessons you have taught your mama and papa prior to your arrival, there are many more.  Here are a few of the things that you've taught us and that we know we need to focus on in preparation for your arrival.

1. Focus on taking care of our family first. We have learned that we have little or no control over the way that other people act. If some family members choose not to talk to each other or have conflicts amongst themselves, we have to accept the fact that we can't change them. All we can do is make sure that we are a strong family unit and treat others well. Everyone else will work out their own struggles when and if they are ready.

2. Take time for daily exercise and kegels. By taking time out of our busy lives to exercise and also to do those darn kegels, we are paving the way for you to enter the world.

3. Let go. Mama's prenatal counselor suggested having a surrender box and writing and inserting all of life's worries and sources of anxiety inside. This helps us cope with life's variables that are out of our control and can give us the patience necessary to deal with what we have to deal with.

4. Take time to write or engage in a passion every day. Mama has a book in the works that she'd love to arrive around the same time that you arrive. Papa has a project in the works that he says is a surprise. We'll make an effort to spend some time working on both of those things a little bit everyday.

5. Sleep. You've reminded us that sleep is an invaluable commodity. It's true..mama frequently wakes up in need of a snack at 4:30am and to go to the bathroom multiple times a night, but you've helped remind her that sleep is necessary and have taught her how to take naps.

6. Do arm exercises. We've learned that in order to be prepared for carrying you around, we need to be strong. For that reason, both mama and papa will make an effort to do some strength exercises each day.

7. Meditate. The more relaxed mom and dad are, the better you will feel. Mama will continue taking a meditative walk several times each week and taking some down time to listen to music. She'll convince papa to sing and play music on his guitar each week to help us relax as well.

8. Get organized. As you prepare to join us, we are doing our best to get organized and to make space for you in our lives literally and figuratively. We don't have it figured out yet, but we're committed to making every effort to learn as we go.

9. Budget. After being on our own for such a long time, we've decided to start a joint bank account that we both contribute to and developing a budget to make sure we are prepared for taking care of our family. This means that your parents are learning to be moderate with dining out habits, coffee consumption and to be more budget friendly with outings.

10. Stay committed. We already know that we have a learning curve for preparing to be parents. We will undoubtedly make mistakes, but we promise that no matter how challenging things get, we will be here for you and will continue to live, learn and grow along with you.

Tests and Lessons from the Universe!

Sometimes life tests us more than we ever would have bargained for. We stay strong for the sake of ourselves and, for those of us who are pregnant, for the sake of our unborn babies. But every once in a while, we reach our breaking point and get teary-eyed while we're sitting in Starbucks writing a blog:). It's days like this when we need to remind ourselves what we're thankful for, and assure both ourselves and our unborn babies that everything's gonna be alright. For that reason, this blog is dedicated to my baby.

Dear Baby,
It's amazing to know that in less than fourteen weeks, you will be here! My ayurvedic doctor believes that baby's choose their parents and we are so happy that you choose us. There is so much to teach you about the world, but you have already taught us so much. Here are some lessons that I want to share with you.

Life is what happens when you are making other plans. 
In life, very few things go according to plan. Rather than getting upset when things don't work out as you'd hoped or expecting life to adjust to you, it's better to adjust to life. You were a surprise for us, but even before you've arrived, you've made our lives better. As we prepare to meet you in person, we are learning how to be the best possible people we can be, how to find our voices so we can do our part to make the world a better place for you to come to.

No matter how hard life pushes you, never forget what you are grateful for. 
In the past month, you have experienced a car accident (which resulted in mom's car getting totaled). You have moved out of your apartment and into a hotel with me, because there was toxic mold in our home. Because I am carrying you, I had the strength to insist that our home be properly inspected for the sake of both of us. I don't care that I've lost my car or that I'm living in a hotel room, I care that you are safe and healthy. Thank you for letting me know you are safe and healthy with your kicks and movements. Right now, you are feet first. Doctors called that the 'breached' position, but I call that the desire to hit the ground running like your mom. I'm guessing by the time you're ready to come out, you'll flip around so that you can be born in a natural way. But, we will welcome you to the world anyway you'd like to arrive. I'm grateful that before long, your papa, you and me will begin our lives together.

Be willing to change. 
Sometimes in life, we have to prioritize and make changes. Before you joined me, I traveled the entire world on a shoestring budget and your dad also enjoyed a bachelor's lifestyle. Now, I'm taking a break from traveling to prepare from you, and your dad is working on making some changes in his life too so that we'll be ready to move forward as a family. As you go through life and you are making choices, always ask yourself: 'Am I being the best possible version of me that I possibly can be?'  'Do I have any goals or dreams that I haven't met or tried to reach?' 'What is in my way and what can I do differently?' Always come back to those questions to center yourself.

You have all the answers inside of you.
Sometimes we tend to doubt ourselves and let the voices of other people outweigh our inner voice or that feeling we get inside of our stomach that tells us what is best for us. Process with other people, but always trust your instinct.

If you have a problem, own it and seek out support. 
Everyone has problems, but often people feel too ashamed or afraid of appearing weak or getting judged. You will learn that nobody judges you more harshly than you will judge yourself. Be grateful for having the courage and strength to own your problems and seek out support. It will be a freeing experience.

Always put yourself first. 
Sometimes people will tell you that thinking about yourself before others is selfish. Never listen to them. The stronger you are, the healthier you are and the better you feel, the more you will have to offer the world.

Always know that you are loved.
The second I heard your heartbeat, I loved you and knew I'd do everything in my power to give you a good life. I can't see you as clearly as your dad can during ultrasounds, but I know that the minute your dad saw you, he loved you.

You are in charge of your own destiny.
Life is way less about what happens to you than it is about the way you respond to it. Choose to have a fantastic, 'can-do' attitude and you will go far in life and likely be a happy little girl. You dad and I have strategically chosen a strong name for you, inspired in part by both of your grandmothers that will remind you to never lose hope.

Finally, only surround yourself with people who are kind to you and people will not hold you back when you have an opportunity to grow and flourish. Life is too short to do anything other than that.

Thank you for choosing us! We will see you soon!
Love,
Mom