I need help, but I don't know how to ask for it!

Pregnancy is much like life in general, there's no way to understand the experience until you're in the thick of it. After taking two tests that screamed "YES!" at me, I called my doctor and had two more tests done--one blood test and one urine test. Those also came out in the affirmative. I had no idea what this meant, where I should start or what to do. If I had my pick, I might have opted to do this in a more conventional way--perhaps get married this summer, start a family next summer. But, like forty-percent of parents in the country, things worked out the otherway around for us. I e-mailed my doctor and explained how clueless and shellshocked that I was by the news and made a desparate request for an appointment. The night before my appointment, I spent the night with my bf. I wanted to talk to him about all of the emotions I was feeling, all of my uncertainties and fears, but when I opened up my mouth to talk, I just began crying uncontrollably. I buried my head in his chest and cried myself to sleep. The very next day, the same day as my doctor's appointment, marked his last day at his company. He had just secured a brand new job and was preparing to bid one job farewell and start the next one two days later. Throughout the week, he'd been celebrating and probably calming himself down at the same time with wine and the like. Meanwhile, I was no longer allowed to have even a glass of wine to celebrate or relax. I wasn't in the space to empathize with the life transitions of moving to a new company and learning that you're going to be a dad all in one week. Instead, I was fixated on what it meant to be an unwed daughter of Catholic parents and also a teacher at a Catholic school who got pregnant...and I wouldn't be able to enjoy a glass of wine for well over a year!!!  I wondered what everyone would think of me and how I would survive? I cried about all of these dilemas until I fell asleep. Three hours later, at 3am, a new problem had arisen. I was hungry and I needed to eat immediately. I knudged my boyfriend. "I'm hungry," I whispered.

He was in a deep sleep and spoke to me in his sleep. "Baby, drink some water and get some rest," he said without even waking up. I did and thirty minutes later, we repeated the same convesation. This went on and on all night long until 5:30am. At 5:30, I couldn't take it anymore. I rolled out of bed, put my clothes on, and drove straight to Denny's.

If you've ever been to Denny's before 7am, you probably know that it is filled with regulars. On this particular morning, there were about a half-dozen elderly men, each sitting by themselves. Each was so regular that the waiter knew what to bring them as soon as they sat down.

I sat there eating my vegetarian egg scramble, writing in my journal and crying, while each of the old men sat in solitude picking at their breakfast, sipping their coffee and reading their papers. My boyfriend had awaken out of his deep slumber and noticed I was missing. He called repeatedly, but I just kept my phone on silent and kept picking away at my breakfast. Then I finally picked up my phone. Once I began talking, tears poured out of each eye. Yes, it is true. Hormones magnify every emotion you are experiencing by about 200 percent when you're preggers.

As I cried my eyes out at Denny's, I explained that I was terrified, that I felt alone, that I was about to go to the doctor alone, that I didn't know how I was going to survive. That was our first 'a-ha' moment. My Bf suggested that he accompany me to the doctor, and that we really make an effort to do all of this together. In retrospect, I had never told him that I wanted him to go to the doctor with me, or that I needed him to step up. I hadn't admit that to myself. I was used to being 'happy-go-lucky,' doing everything independently, and never asking for help. How would he have known that all of this would shift within days? He met me at the doctor's office, accompanied me to my appointment, treated me to Indian buffet for lunch, and life felt managable once again.

How to navigate life after you know!


1. Write. Get a journal. If you want, you can write to your baby and tell them about you and your life. On separate pages, you can vent about your significant other and all of the uncertainties that come along with hormones and pregnancy.

2. Have some healthy snacks on hand at all times. You might get hungry at crazy hours of the day and night. And when you're hungry and you don't feed yourself during pregnancy, that'll equate to nausea and crabbiness to nth-degree. Do the world and yourself a favor. Feed yourself when you need a snack.

3. Go see your doctor and tap into every support service that your medical health provider has to offer. As I tell my students, it is a sign of strength to reach out for help. People will begin showering you with unsolicited advice and old-wives tales as soon as they learn about you. Apply only what fits for you. But, pay closer attention to the advice and insight that your own doctor (who knows you and your body) has to offer you.

4. Communicate with your partner. Your partner cannot read your mind. If he or she is used to you thriving on being Miss Independent, like my boyfriend was, there is no way for him/her to know that things have shifted. We might say or think things like, "he should just know," but that's really not a fair assumption.

5. Fight fairly. You are going to feel more sensative than ever and more triggered than ever. You'll need more emotional support than you ever have. In my case, pregnancy took the nice edge off of me. I didn't turn into a complete raging bitch, but if I am triggered by something, there is no holding it in. If I try to hold something in, within hours I'll be crying and letting it out. My weakness was that everytime I was upset, I'd say something to the effect of "We don't have to do this. We don't need to be together." With the help of my prenatal counselor, I've learned that that is not a fair way to fight. The truth is that, I do want to do 'this' together. Really what I was saying in that moment was 'I hurt a lot and want you to hurt as bad as I do.' That's not fair to me, to him, or to our relationship. I suggest avoiding my mistake, and making a commitment to never utter those words to each other during a fight. As my prenatal counselor says, they can create emotional hangovers, that over time are hard to recover from. Do your best to speak from the "I" and take a breath before arguing. As long as you are in a relationship that is based on respect and is abuse-free/healthy, these little disputes will actually help the two of you grow as a unit. If you or your partner doesn't fight fairly, get some help!