How to get by and dress before you announce that you are preggers:-)

If you weren't expecting to be expecting quite yet and are taking your time with informing the world about your new life milestone, it's hard to gage who to share your news with and when to share it. And if you're not ready to scream to the world, "I am pregnant!" you might also want to carefully choose your wardrobe, your drinks when you go out (cranberry juice and club soda is my fav) so as not to pique everyone's suspicions, and think ahead for how you'll explain the tiredness or nausea.

In my case, my belly is just starting to grow. But, my boobs took off long ago. I went from 32A to 36C practically overnight...well ok, it wasn't quite that fast, but I felt like it. Each morning, I carefully selected a tank top to go under my V-neck shirt or tried to find something that was slightly higher than what I usually wore. Each morning as I checked in with my colleague who shares an office with me, I was sure that as she was checking out my outfit, she'd notice my boobs. I was terrified that she'd figure me out. She'd either think I got a boob job, think I'd been packing away lots of extra chocolate, or god forbid, she'd think I was pregnant. My closest friends, who are candidly honest with me, shared that they'd assumed I just filled out a little (before they knew my secret) and thought nothing more.

Now, I have a new battle... Along with my boobs, my waistline has started expanding. I'm at the stage, where you can't quite tell that I'm pregnant (thank god, cuz I'm still not ready to announce that), but I look like I'm getting chunky. I went from having a fairly flat stomach to having a bulging round belly and a butt the size of a small country. Getting dressed each morning is terrifying. But, today, the day that I reached seventeen weeks was the worst. I started out feeling confident, so I decided I'd wear red. I put on some leggings, some red flat boots and filed through my closet for a matching cute red top to wear. It needed to be long enough to cover my growing booty, big enough to make it over my new Pamela Anderson chest, and flowy enough to mask my bulging belly. I squeezed into the first top, but realized after a glance in the mirror, that it screamed 'I'm putting on weight.' Next, I picked out my favorite long Indian kurti. Kurtis are baggy and have a lot of give, so I thought that'd be perfect. Nope, my kurti was no longer baggy or giving. I got it over the top, but it no longer covered my butt. Finally, I gave into the fact that no matter how badly I wanted to wear my red boots, I was out of luck. Finally, I settled on my dark purple sweater dress, curled my hair, added some cute earrings and a peace ring and I was on my way.

Tips for staying cute and getting by, before you've shared your news with the world.


1. Stay active. Go for a daily walk, and try lifting some light weights (by light, I mean 2.5 to 5 pounds) a few times a week. In my case, the walk keeps me feeling good and the weights make me feel strong inside and out. I take an aerobic weightlifting class at my gym, because I wouldn't have the discipline to do it alone. Remember, you are entitled to take a break any time you need to. It's important to keep our heartbeat under 140.

2. Eat healthy, high protein food, and take your pre-natals:-). 
It'll keep you feeling vital and energetic, and it's good for the baby too. If you're a vegetarian, just focus on getting 70 grams of protein a day, and don't worry about all of the people who give you speeches about what you ought to eat. Work with your nutritionist or doctor to make sure you're on the right track. Nut butters, greek yogurt, eggs, lentils, beans, quinoa and so many other  foods are packed with protein.

3. Bust out the empire waist dresses and tops that you likely already have in your closet and leggings.
These clothes are timeless. They've been in style for a long time, and will likely stay that way for a long time. They are comfortable, fashionable, and you can still look cute.

4. Find one or two low-fitting, loose pairs of jeans that you already have and enjoy wearing them while you can. Pair them with loose fitting, trendy tops. Forget about your favorite fitted jeans right now. They'll be there for you after you've had the baby. If your waist expands on the loose jeans before you're ready to be done with them, loop a hair tie through the hole and around the button--that should buy you a few extra weeks in your jeans.

5. Take time to do your hair and make-up (if you like doing your hair or make-up).
The way we present ourselves definitely affects the way we feel. If you're feeling chubby (which all pregnant women do, I think) and frumpy, walking around in sweat pants and uncombed hair, will probably do little to lift your spirits. We've all done it! But, I've found that it does wonders to take a minute to put my best self forward.

6. Treat yourself to regular manicures and pedicures in well vented and clean salon.
My nails seem to grow everyday. This is just a simple thing you can do for yourself from time to time to breath, relax, and enjoy some TLC.

7. Find a reliable massage therapist and visit her/him each month. 
Make sure you share that you are pregnant and make sure that your therapist is comfortable with that. If you and your massage therapist are a match, visit him/her each month. For me, the stress that comes along with preparing to become a parent combined with the discomfort of trying to sleep on my side each and every night leaves my body feeling tense. The massage is a much needed release.

8. Continue nurturing your passions.
I love writing and even sometimes daydream about what it would be like to sustain myself primarily as a writer. Writing is my outlet for dealing with all of the bumps that life throws me. Hence, this blog. I love setting up in a coffee shop along with friends to work on whichever project I'm engaged in. It's a release and a positive outlet. Whatever your passion is, continue to nourish it. It's important to keep your own identity even as you prepare to add another huge dimension to your life.

9. Smile. 
Give yourself permission to laugh and smile at all of the little mishaps that sometimes happen in life. If you're like me, you'll lose things even more frequently than before or forget things that you never thought possible. Rather than beating yourself up, go ahead and laugh:-)

Tips for your significant other

This morning, I kissed my boyfriend goodbye and curled up on the couch to begin writing for the day. Randomly, I thought of my friend Mandy in Los Angeles and her hubby Robb. Just for fun, I decided to drop Mandy a text message to see how she was doing. Two minutes later, I got the response, "Pregnant."

I don't know why, but this excited me! We immediately got on the phone with each other. Like me, Mandy wanted a child someday, but was caught completely by surprise when she learned that she was carrying a baby in her belly. We swapped stories about adjusting to the new life content, navigating pregnant life with our significant others, and dealing with the hormones and heightened emotions that come along with pregnancy. 

Just two days earlier, I met one of my dear friends and her eight-month old daughter for lunch. We'd met two years earlier in Indonesia. Like me, she was a free-spirited woman and world traveler. She revealed that her life took a 180 degree spin, when she became a mom. 

The common themes between all of the conversations that I have with expecting mothers is that we all feel like our significant others don't always get us. Interestingly, the women that I've spoken with who are already moms say the same thing. Some even recall sometimes strongly disliking their significant other from time to time during pregnancy. The reality is that our bodies are changing and getting larger by the minutes, we're more tired than ever, we feel sick a portion of the time and bloated all of the time, our boobs are taking off, our clothes are getting snugger, and the list goes on. 

If you are father-to-be or a partner of an expecting woman and you're wondering what to do to make it through the next nine-months peacefully, here are some ideas. 

1. Communicate. If you and your partner are pro-active about communicating, discussing your feelings, worries and thoughts that came up during the day with each other, you're less likely to have a blow-out. My significant other sometimes says he's looking forward to talking and then when I remind him that he wanted to talk, he says 'not now...let's keep it light today.' That doesn't work well for a pregnant woman or perhaps women in general.

Later when I brought this up to him, he said that his reason for wanting to put off some of the difficult pregnancy/parenting conversations was his fear of confrontation and conflict. Perhaps, he thought that if we didn't talk about tense topics, they would go away. For many women--particularly pregnant women, the unspoken topics are the ones that give us the most anxiety. If you integrate conversation and communication into your daily routine, then there's less likely to be a blow-out or built up hurt feelings, and you're more likely to have a stronger relationship. 

2. Never tell us that you like the extra cush on our tush or that we look good with the extra fluff.

Even when we're not pregnant, we work hard to accept our bodies. It doesn't matter how positive your intentions might be, we will hear you acknowledging that you think we're fat. Chances are, we won't take it as a compliment. If you'd like to give a compliment about our appearance, try 'you look great today,' or 'you are beautiful.'

3. Cut back on alcohol and pot or take a nine-month break along with us.

Right now, our entire lives revolve around the babies growing in our tummies. We think about everything from eating pesticide-free fruits and vegetables, consuming enough iron and protein (particularly for those of us who are vegetarians), avoiding mercury-filled fish, and getting enough exercise for us and our growing babies while dealing with fatigue and nausea. Many of us long for a delicious glass of wine with our dinner, a few drinks while we're out dancing, or even a little herbal medicine from time to time. But, the reality is, we can't and won't do those things, because we are making decisions not just for us, but also for a baby. If you want to be a kick-ass significant other, cut back or quit along with us. If you opt to just cut back, seriously stick to one to two drinks, so that you're still able to drive. When we have enough energy to drive at the end of a night out, we'll let you know. Remember, there is a growing human in our bellies that sometimes makes us feel like it is sucking the life out of us. We need you to be sober and present along with us. 

4. Be honest. 

Don't say or do things for the sake of pleasing us. We will see through that. Instead be honest. Strive to do the right thing simply because you want to be a supportive significant other and you want to be a good father. Don't hide things from your significant other or behave well only when you think she is watching. In that same vain, don't be afraid to state your boundaries. If you go someplace you don't really want to go just so you don't have to deal with an adverse reaction from your significant other, you might feel resentful. Be honest and politely share your thoughts.

5. Have regular date nights.
Yes, it's true. You may be on a bit of a budget as you're preparing to introduce a third party into your relationship in a very permanent way. But, it's important to maintain and even strengthen the relationship you have with each other right now. Although you'll embark on a fantastic journey when the next member of your family arrives, treasure the days that you have as a duo. Most importantly, date nights--whether in the form of a dinner and a movie, dinner with friends, a night out dancing or a long weekend hike--keep your relationship fresh and exciting.

6. Exercise with your significant other.
Not only is your partner's doctor reminding her to exercise everyday, her doctor is asking if the daddy (ie: YOU) is exercising along with her. As you might already be finding out, many expecting fathers put on weight along with their pregnant partners. Additionally, you are both likely stressed and can use the release that comes along with physical activity, so go for it. If you make a pact to go for a daily walk together, it'll hold you both accountable. Making this a daily ritual can keep you both in shape and ease her delivery when your son or daughter is ready to come into the world.

7. Cook/Eat together.
Taking time to prepare food and eat meals together can be incredibly rewarding. My boyfriend loves meat and wheat. I am a vegetarian/pescatarian. We have fun figuring out a menu that'll satisfy both of us. We frequently resort to such options as quinoa Greek salad, salmon, Indian, and Latin food combos.

8. Read your expecting father books.
She will love you for taking the initiative to inform yourself and learn about the parenting process and the pregnancy experience. Talk to her about what you are learning. When I'm having a pain or experiencing a symptom and my boyfriend says, "Oh honey, I think this is what is happening. I read that is what occurs during the 16th week," I love him even more.

9. Offer up back massages whenever you have the energy and maybe she'll  return the favor when she has the energy.
When she's trying to hold up her ever-expanding belly and adjust to carrying around extra weight, not only is it harder for her to maintain her posture, she is likely more stiff than ever. She will adore you for the massage and will be sleeping within minutes.

10. Remember that patience is a virtue. 
This one needs no explanation. Your patience will likely frequently be tested while you go through the pregnancy journey with your partner. Take a deep breath, count to three before you speak harsh words and choose your words carefully. Words are not retractable once they've been spoken. Also, now, more than ever, your partner is craving stability like she never has before.

A big little secret

It's true that a baby might be as big as a grain of rice or a small piece of fruit--pretty small in the grand scheme of things. But my baby was the biggest little secret that I've kept in my entire life. I work at a Catholic school and have Catholic traditional parents, and I couldn't bare to disappoint my parents or my colleagues at my job, so I kept it to myself. Yes, it was beginning to look like I had a boob job or I put on a few extra pounds, but my body didn't scream pregnancy. Meanwhile, I was nauseous everyday, I had a never ending dull headache, I was more tired than I'd ever been and I had piercing pains on the right side of my abdomen (which turned out to be just a cyst). Add on the screaming hormones that come along with pregnancy, and I felt like my life and my body were spinning out of control and I was alone. With the exception of my sister, my boyfriend and a few close friends, nobody knew about my big, little secret. I felt completely alone.

I would go for a 3 mile walk around the lake while listening to my itunes and get excited as I imagined what my life would be like for my developing family and how I would teach my child to be a strong, independent, global citizen one minute. The next minute when I was feeling more confident, I would rehearse ways to break the news to my parents inside my head. Before I could finish the sentence, tears would gush out of my eyes and I would be overcome with sadness. I couldn't handle disappointing everyone. At the same time as I wasn't ready to share the news with my parents, I craved their support, and felt guilty for not sharing my major life milestone with them. My boyfriend and I had pre-planned a trip back to visit my family in Minnesota and contemplated telling them in person. However, I was overcome with anxiety, sadness and tears each time I imagined telling my parents. I began meeting with a prenatal counselor who comforted me by telling me that I should simply tell my parents when I was ready---that nobody would know when the time was right better than I would. We took the trip, my boyfriend and I each slept in our designated sleeping areas (there is a not married/no co-habitation policy in our home), and we made it through without anyone catching on. I was more tired than I'd ever been, requiring eight hours of sleep and a nap, rather than my usual six hours with no nap. I needed to get up in the middle of the night to sneak a snack, being careful not to be spotted, so I wouldn't alert anyone of any unusual circumstances. My mom had me climb onto a ladder to get some of her fine china out...being on a ladder when your balance isn't quite what it should be, isn't a great idea, but how would my mom have known that? On my my last night in town, I began sobbing uncontrollably once again--sadness, amplified by hormones. I was realizing that it would be a very long time before I'd be back home again. I'd miss Thanksgiving and Christmas, as I was due on Christmas.

I got back to California, had my 15 week check up and heard my baby's heartbeat. It had a strong and rapid rhythm to it--with 150 beats per minute. As a former percussionist, I shouldn't be that surprised that that it was the heartbeat that moved me far more than any of the blurry ultrasound pictures I had seen. Once I heard that beautiful sound, I gained some real confidence, I didn't feel alone anymore. I'd had a supportive boyfriend at my side the whole way through, but now I could feel and hear human life inside of me. That day my boyfriend and I did a conference call to my parents and my sister. We shared our news one step at a time--first, that we planned on starting a future together and second, that we were going to be parents. I was overcome by tears once again, but I explained to my parents that I was crying because I was emotional, but because I wasn't happy. It was sloppy, but we told them the news. A week later, my parents were in California visiting us. I cannot explain what an enormous relief it was to share the week with them without having to conceal a secret. I should mention that once I shared with my parents, I gained the confidence to tell my boss. To my great surprise, she was also supportive.

At the end of the day, it was me who was judging myself more harshly than anyone else. The moral of the story is that there is not a correct way to tell people or a mandated time frame for which others need to be informed. Only you know when the time is right. Trust your instincts. Reach out to non-judgmental friends who you trust to hold onto your big little secret so that you can build a support network. And, if you are in the position where you're unable or not ready to share with family and colleagues, utilize the services of a prenatal counselor. If your health provider offers any support service for either free or a small co-pay, treat yourself and your baby to that help. It will make you a better mama and help you learn how to develop your own support network.

I need help, but I don't know how to ask for it!

Pregnancy is much like life in general, there's no way to understand the experience until you're in the thick of it. After taking two tests that screamed "YES!" at me, I called my doctor and had two more tests done--one blood test and one urine test. Those also came out in the affirmative. I had no idea what this meant, where I should start or what to do. If I had my pick, I might have opted to do this in a more conventional way--perhaps get married this summer, start a family next summer. But, like forty-percent of parents in the country, things worked out the otherway around for us. I e-mailed my doctor and explained how clueless and shellshocked that I was by the news and made a desparate request for an appointment. The night before my appointment, I spent the night with my bf. I wanted to talk to him about all of the emotions I was feeling, all of my uncertainties and fears, but when I opened up my mouth to talk, I just began crying uncontrollably. I buried my head in his chest and cried myself to sleep. The very next day, the same day as my doctor's appointment, marked his last day at his company. He had just secured a brand new job and was preparing to bid one job farewell and start the next one two days later. Throughout the week, he'd been celebrating and probably calming himself down at the same time with wine and the like. Meanwhile, I was no longer allowed to have even a glass of wine to celebrate or relax. I wasn't in the space to empathize with the life transitions of moving to a new company and learning that you're going to be a dad all in one week. Instead, I was fixated on what it meant to be an unwed daughter of Catholic parents and also a teacher at a Catholic school who got pregnant...and I wouldn't be able to enjoy a glass of wine for well over a year!!!  I wondered what everyone would think of me and how I would survive? I cried about all of these dilemas until I fell asleep. Three hours later, at 3am, a new problem had arisen. I was hungry and I needed to eat immediately. I knudged my boyfriend. "I'm hungry," I whispered.

He was in a deep sleep and spoke to me in his sleep. "Baby, drink some water and get some rest," he said without even waking up. I did and thirty minutes later, we repeated the same convesation. This went on and on all night long until 5:30am. At 5:30, I couldn't take it anymore. I rolled out of bed, put my clothes on, and drove straight to Denny's.

If you've ever been to Denny's before 7am, you probably know that it is filled with regulars. On this particular morning, there were about a half-dozen elderly men, each sitting by themselves. Each was so regular that the waiter knew what to bring them as soon as they sat down.

I sat there eating my vegetarian egg scramble, writing in my journal and crying, while each of the old men sat in solitude picking at their breakfast, sipping their coffee and reading their papers. My boyfriend had awaken out of his deep slumber and noticed I was missing. He called repeatedly, but I just kept my phone on silent and kept picking away at my breakfast. Then I finally picked up my phone. Once I began talking, tears poured out of each eye. Yes, it is true. Hormones magnify every emotion you are experiencing by about 200 percent when you're preggers.

As I cried my eyes out at Denny's, I explained that I was terrified, that I felt alone, that I was about to go to the doctor alone, that I didn't know how I was going to survive. That was our first 'a-ha' moment. My Bf suggested that he accompany me to the doctor, and that we really make an effort to do all of this together. In retrospect, I had never told him that I wanted him to go to the doctor with me, or that I needed him to step up. I hadn't admit that to myself. I was used to being 'happy-go-lucky,' doing everything independently, and never asking for help. How would he have known that all of this would shift within days? He met me at the doctor's office, accompanied me to my appointment, treated me to Indian buffet for lunch, and life felt managable once again.

How to navigate life after you know!


1. Write. Get a journal. If you want, you can write to your baby and tell them about you and your life. On separate pages, you can vent about your significant other and all of the uncertainties that come along with hormones and pregnancy.

2. Have some healthy snacks on hand at all times. You might get hungry at crazy hours of the day and night. And when you're hungry and you don't feed yourself during pregnancy, that'll equate to nausea and crabbiness to nth-degree. Do the world and yourself a favor. Feed yourself when you need a snack.

3. Go see your doctor and tap into every support service that your medical health provider has to offer. As I tell my students, it is a sign of strength to reach out for help. People will begin showering you with unsolicited advice and old-wives tales as soon as they learn about you. Apply only what fits for you. But, pay closer attention to the advice and insight that your own doctor (who knows you and your body) has to offer you.

4. Communicate with your partner. Your partner cannot read your mind. If he or she is used to you thriving on being Miss Independent, like my boyfriend was, there is no way for him/her to know that things have shifted. We might say or think things like, "he should just know," but that's really not a fair assumption.

5. Fight fairly. You are going to feel more sensative than ever and more triggered than ever. You'll need more emotional support than you ever have. In my case, pregnancy took the nice edge off of me. I didn't turn into a complete raging bitch, but if I am triggered by something, there is no holding it in. If I try to hold something in, within hours I'll be crying and letting it out. My weakness was that everytime I was upset, I'd say something to the effect of "We don't have to do this. We don't need to be together." With the help of my prenatal counselor, I've learned that that is not a fair way to fight. The truth is that, I do want to do 'this' together. Really what I was saying in that moment was 'I hurt a lot and want you to hurt as bad as I do.' That's not fair to me, to him, or to our relationship. I suggest avoiding my mistake, and making a commitment to never utter those words to each other during a fight. As my prenatal counselor says, they can create emotional hangovers, that over time are hard to recover from. Do your best to speak from the "I" and take a breath before arguing. As long as you are in a relationship that is based on respect and is abuse-free/healthy, these little disputes will actually help the two of you grow as a unit. If you or your partner doesn't fight fairly, get some help!

"OMG! I'm pregnant!"

After waiting impatiently in line behind dozens of people at the pharmacy to refill my prescription, I discretely leaned in toward the clerk and whispered.

"Do you have pregnancy tests?" I asked softly.

"No. The pregnancy tests are in the upstairs pharmacy," the woman belted back at me, as if she was making an announcement to all of the clients in the pharmacy.

Instead of going upstairs, I ran straight to the parking lot, feeling mortified. I decided to make one more attempt to retrieve a test. I stopped at Safe Way and went to the family planning and oral hygene aisle. First I picked out several bottles of tooth paste and a new toothbrush. Then I walked over to the pregnancy tests, took a breath, looked both ways to make sure there were no familiar faces around me and grabbed a test. I sandwiched the test between the oral products and I was on my way back to work. Rather than waiting until the end of the day to take the test, I decided to just get it out of the way. I carried my entire purse to the bathroom with the pregger test inside of it, peed on it and waited. I didn't buy the test that had a subtle plus or minus sign. No, to the contrary, I bought the test that had a big YES or No so there'd be no confusion in the matter. Thirty seconds later, I looked down and saw a big 'YES' looking back at me. I was trembling with nervousness. Not knowing what to do, I went straight to my office, closed the door and began sobbing uncontrollably. I called my sister and she began talking about how excited she was and what a blessing this was. Although it was a blessing and I would come to think of it as a blessing, in that moment, I just needed to be told that everything was going to be ok. I had to figure out how I'd tell my Catholic parents, how to survive in my Catholic-affiliated work place as an un-wed, pregnant woman, and then I'd be able to think of it as a blessing.

I had already planned to visit my significant other after work, because I had both of his phone chargers and without them, he had no way to use his phone. This meant, however, that it would take me more than eight hours to be able to share the news with him. When I finally got to his place, he was fixing dinner and pouring wine for his roommate, himself and me. I stopped him.

"I'm not feeling like having any wine today. I'll have water instead," I explained.
The three of us sat in the living room, nibbling on salmon. I sipped my hot water as my boyfriend and his roomie sipped their wine. Then, when his roomie went to the bathroom and the two of us were left alone in the living room, the news came.

"How are you? How come you aren't having wine today? You feeling ok?" he asked.

I looked at him, but could say nothing. He knew.

"This is new life content, baby," he said. "We'll be alright."

And, with that, the journey began. It has been filled with ups, downs, highs, lows, excitement, terrifying moments, and hope. If you're a free spirited couple or single person in your late twenties or early thirties and you find yourself expecting when you weren't planning to be expecting this blog is especially you. If you're a friend, a relative of someone who fits that category or are simply looking for some entertainment, this blog is for you too:-).

What to do when you weren't expecting to be expecting.


1. Breath. Everything will be ok. You will get through this one way or another.

2. Reflect. Is having a child a viable option for you? Do you want to be a parent? If you answered 'yes' to those questions, you can find a way to make it happen. Nine months is longer than you realize.

3. Let yourself cry. It doesn't matter how old you are or how ready you thought you'd be when you got to this moment, you're here now and it's likely different than you imagined it to be. On top of that, there are crazy hormones raging through your body, heightening every emotion that you experience.

4. Talk to your significant other. If you're lucky enough to be in a stable relationship when you get into this situation, communicate with each other and explore ways for surviving. Worry less about cementing a plan for the future and more about getting through each day at this point.

5. Find a support system. It might be better to rely on friends at this early stage in the game. Our friends, our chosen family, are often more in line with our adult choices in life than our family members. If you feel safe and supported with family members, go ahead and choose one to confide in. If you're not ready to tell your parents, but you have a close relationship with your sibling and can trust him/her to keep your news confidential, go for it. The key is that this is your life and you have the right to share your news at your own pace, in a manner that feels safe to you.