Christmas Eve morning, my significant other and I packed a picnic and took a drive up to the top of Mount Diablo. My stomach was feeling a little bit uneasy and as soon as we made it to the top of the eleven mile mountain, I jumped out of the car, got down on my knees and threw up for a good five minutes. After that, I felt better and was all set to go for a light hike on top of the beautiful natural site. After a long nap, we headed to San Francisco to celebrate Christmas and then decided to go to midnight mass to welcome Christmas. During mass, my baby was squirmy--even squirmier than usual. I leaned over to my significant other and jokingly told him that I was pretty sure our baby was just about ready to join us. At 1am, we parked outside of my apartment complex and debated if we should exchange our gifts that night or wait until Christmas morning. As we chatted and walked toward my apartment in the freezing cold night, I felt something warm and wet gush through my pants. I know that very few women have water that breaks in a gush and I had given up on the idea that my baby would arrive on Christmas eve, so I was in a bit of shock. Maybe it's something else, I said to myself before saying anything to my significant other. I took another step and felt another gush. "Honey, I think it's happening," I said.
"It's ok. We will be fine. Let's go in the house and check and then we can call the doctor if we need to," he assured me, trying to keep me calm.
We got into the house and I ran to the bathroom and the water just kept on flowing. I stepped into the shower and the water continued to flow out of me, as if I was a waterfall. I called the doctor as I stood in the bathtub and they suggested that I come in to confirm that in fact my water had broken. There was no question though...we knew the water had broken and there'd be no turning back. Unfortunately though, we were sure that the baby was going to arrive late that my hospital bag was no longer packed. We scrambled to find the ipod, the floppy frog that played the i-pod, pictures, appropriate clothing and more. By the time we were packed, it was after 2am. There was one more order of business that had to be taken care of before we could go to the hospital. We needed to exchange our Christmas gifts. We sat down under the Christmas tree and did a quick swap of gifts and exchanged a quick kiss. "Ok, this is it!" we said to each other. By 3:00am, we were at the hospital.
It still hadn't quite registered for me that in a matter of hours, we'd have a baby. Everything we'd learned in our birthing classes and on the videos we'd watched and books we'd read became fairly irrelevant. The hospital didn't have my birthing plan on hand. Once my contraction monitor was in place, I realized that all the jabbing back pains I'd been experiencing for the past weeks were contractions. In the labor room, my significant other settled into the cot and I got into the bed. We thought we'd rest up in early labor and be fully energized and ready to push when the baby was ready to arrive. Turned out we were wrong. Every 15 minutes a nurse, a lab assistant, a midwife or someone else was in to check on me. By 8am, the midwife checked me and saw that I was 1.5 cm dilated..she to my dismay recommended that I start petocin. I negotiated and asked her to give me some more time. My significant other and I then put on our jackets and headed out of the room. We walked up and down stair cases, around the hospital repeatedly and then came back to the room. We repeated this a few times throughout the morning. At noon, a new midwife was on duty and was ready to begin administering petocin. I negotiated one more time. I asked her to give me two more hours to be active and see how much progress I could make on my own. By this point though, I could no longer walk more than a step or two at a time without keeling over or grabbing onto a pole, a wall or my significant other. I had a strong urge to push and was certain that they'd find that I was dilated and no longer in need of the petocin. When I got back to the room, the midwife let me know that she wasn't checking me again and that they were going to go ahead and administer petocin. I felt deflated and completely out of control of my own body. By now, my pain level was registering at a 9 or a 10 and I was feeling a constant urge to push. The nurse came in and let me know that she started petocin and came back a few minutes later letting us know that she'd doubled the dosage. I asked for a relaxant to take the edge of. The nurse than administered a four hour narcotic, as the entire medical team was sure I was no where close to delivering. The medicine took the edge off and knocked me out for up to 30 seconds at a time and then I found myself waking up in pain, laying on my side and pushing. I couldn't help it. It was almost like the pushes were completely involuntary. The midwife finally came to recheck me just to appease me and then confirmed that I was at 9.5 cm dilated and then all of a sudden, I was at a 10. I was in full labor while under the influence of the narcotic they'd given me just an hour earlier. First I used a squat bar and made some good progress. Then when I found my rhythm and was ready to keep pushing, the midwife removed the bar, had me get on my back and told me to hold my breath and be quiet. In all my classes, I'd learned about exhaling as a tactic for coping with pain and sound as the source of strength to get us through the intense pain and pushing. I had nurses on each side of me, pulling my legs back with a midwife sitting in front of me sternly instructing me of how and what to do. My significant other was at my side and encouraged me not to give up. "Honey you can do this. I saw her head. She has lots of hair. I know you can do it." The nurse brought the mirror and positioned it in front of me so I could see my progress. I could see the head crowing at the top of the contraction and then just when I thought the whole head was about to come out, my contraction ended and the baby went back inside. We repeated this process about 15 times. And then at last, we heard the click of a scissors--which was the sound of the midwife doing a second-degree episiotomy and then my baby girl was on my belly. What a relief! All of the chaos absolutely paid off and we were given the best Christmas present ever. A beautiful baby girl:).
Sometimes life takes us by surprise and things don't happen quite in the order that we had planned. We don't get the job we thought we would, we stumble into a hardship.... Or, a few free-spirited thirty-something year-olds find out, after dating for less than a year, that they're expecting!! If you or anyone you know has been or is in that situation, this blog is especially for you.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Counting Blessings in the 40th Week.
I survived the first, second and third tri-mester, the 39th week and am now in the midst of the 40th week. Our daughter has turned into a wiggle worm, but she is snug and warm in my womb and so far as chosen to stay put:). It is now Christmas Eve, the day that I had mistakenly assumed to be the due date (it was actually two days earlier). The day is still young, so she still could decide to arrive today, but we'll wait and see. What I have noticed this holiday season is an extreme amount of kindness and touching moments lingering in the air. Maybe it's extra transparent, because of my extra pregnant state, but I thought I'd share some of the kind and touching highlights and lessons I was reminded of during my 40th week.
1. Everyone has a story with more depth to it than we might assume.
Last week while getting a pedicure, a white, seemingly upper-class woman in her late sixties came into the salon for a manicure. She brought a Christmas gift for her manicurist and chatted with me while she got her nails done. She asked the regular questions. Is this your first? When are you due? Is it a boy or a girl? Do you have a name? At some point, I turned the conversation. She shared that she had three children and a bunch of grand children. She referred to her current husband and her first one. Soon I learned that her first husband died in a tragic car accident when she was twenty-some weeks pregnant. As I listened to her story, feeling so grateful to have my partner alive and by my side for the pregnancy process. As I was digesting her story, I got a text message from another pregnant mommy that I'd been hanging out with throughout my pregnancy, saying that her contractions were just minutes apart and she was in the hospital waiting for her son to be born. All of a sudden, I found myself sitting in the nail salon with tears of happiness forming at the corner of my eyes.
2. Newborn babies are reminders of what we have to look forward to.
While going into my 39.5 week appointment, I passed a mother and her newborn baby in the waiting room. The sight of the two of them triggered an instant gush of tears. I remember in early pregnancy I was an emotional wreck, in mid-pregnancy, I was smooth sailing, but in extreme late pregnancy I'm filled with overwhelming emotions of happiness. Frankly it's embarrassing sometimes. But, oh well...we'll get through this.
3. Time with old friends is invaluable.
I have two special friends--one is ninety and his wife is just under ninety-one. The man always jokes that his wife robbed the cradle when she got him. This past week, I visited the two of them to discover that they have adopted a new puppy. The two of them looked the most happy and radiant that I have seen them look in weeks. There is something extra special about spending time with people in their last phase of life as I prepare to welcome a baby into the very first phase of life.
4. Strangers can be very kind.
This week while braving the last minute holiday crowds, I made a series of purchases at Target. While I was waiting in life with my over-filled shopping cart, the woman behind me excused herself and walked to the front of the line. "Excuse me," she told the cashier. "I'm going to help load her cart." The woman than looked at me. "I'm so sorry, it took me a minute to see how pregnant you were. If I'd seen you sooner, I would have helped you earlier." I thanked her and told her I'd pay her good deed forward.
5. Everyone needs to know that someone cares about their well-being.
Yesterday when my boyfriend and I went to Kaiser for a delivery q and a session with a midwife, we started out in the standard way. The nurse called me back for preliminary vitals and the dreaded weight check. As the nurse checked my blood pressure, I looked up at her and asked her how her day was going today. The question triggered her. She broke down in tears and said, "not good...I'm trying to get through it, but I'm having a really hard day." We chatted a bit as she walked me to our room, but I could see she was in emotional pain. As we walked out after the appointment, we ran into the nurse again. Just before we exited, she said "Come here" and walked around the counter to meet us. "Let me give you a big hug." She did and she didn't let go for about thirty seconds. She thanked us for our kindness, apologized us for her meltdown and gave us blessings for our soon-to-arrive baby. I told her that sometimes when life feels out of control, we sink to the bottom of a pool before pushing off and then coming up for a fresh breath of air and a fresh start. "You know, that's exactly what I need to do," she said, as she wiped her tears from her eyes. As we walked away, I realized just how fragile we all can be. Sometimes all it takes is one person saying "How are you?" to remind us that we are never alone and that we will get through life's obstacles.
6. Sharing parking spaces is invaluable at this time of the year.
Yesterday after our appointment, we decided that we needed some frozen yogurt. We searched in the parking structure for a good amount of time. Then, a kind man walked out. "I'm right over here. Follow me," he said. He got in his car, opened his window and shouted "Merry Christmas."
7. Family--both biological family and chosen family--are so important.
During pregnancy, I've connected with some fantastic mamas in the making, formed deeper bonds with friends who already have children and with my significant other's sister--who is a friend, a mother and a family member by virtue of my relationship. My own family lives more than a thousand miles away so it's been fantastic to build connections with these friends. I've found that when you connect with others and share the positives of life as well as the struggles you're encountering (particularly with non-judgmental people), you can get through anything. Yesterday, I had an early morning chat with my significant other's sister and we reminded ourselves that sometimes in life it's worth setting aside our pride, letting our guard down and letting ourselves be vulnerable and authentic. The main risk of putting our full selves forward is the fear that others may reject us or not embrace us. But the risk of not doing that is far greater. Thank you for all of the important, reflective discussions:).
8. Always appreciate opportunities to take in the beauty of the world.
I'm grateful for the trip my significant other and I are about to take to Mount Diablo. It is a beautiful day in the Bay and what better way to celebrate our time together and the building of our family.
9. Look at unrealized timelines as lessons in patience.
I'm learning from my Baby girl who was due a few days ago who valuable patience is. Rather than rushing her or feeling impatient with her, we're using this time to get extra prepared for her arrival and to schedule a few extra things together.
10. Be thankful for the kindness you'll encounter today. The day is just beginning. We haven't left the house yet, so it's hard to say what awaits us. But, I have learned enough about life to know that the energy we exude has something to do with the energy that we attract. If we go out into the world feeling positive and determined, we are bound to attract more of that. Merry Christmas!
1. Everyone has a story with more depth to it than we might assume.
Last week while getting a pedicure, a white, seemingly upper-class woman in her late sixties came into the salon for a manicure. She brought a Christmas gift for her manicurist and chatted with me while she got her nails done. She asked the regular questions. Is this your first? When are you due? Is it a boy or a girl? Do you have a name? At some point, I turned the conversation. She shared that she had three children and a bunch of grand children. She referred to her current husband and her first one. Soon I learned that her first husband died in a tragic car accident when she was twenty-some weeks pregnant. As I listened to her story, feeling so grateful to have my partner alive and by my side for the pregnancy process. As I was digesting her story, I got a text message from another pregnant mommy that I'd been hanging out with throughout my pregnancy, saying that her contractions were just minutes apart and she was in the hospital waiting for her son to be born. All of a sudden, I found myself sitting in the nail salon with tears of happiness forming at the corner of my eyes.
2. Newborn babies are reminders of what we have to look forward to.
While going into my 39.5 week appointment, I passed a mother and her newborn baby in the waiting room. The sight of the two of them triggered an instant gush of tears. I remember in early pregnancy I was an emotional wreck, in mid-pregnancy, I was smooth sailing, but in extreme late pregnancy I'm filled with overwhelming emotions of happiness. Frankly it's embarrassing sometimes. But, oh well...we'll get through this.
3. Time with old friends is invaluable.
I have two special friends--one is ninety and his wife is just under ninety-one. The man always jokes that his wife robbed the cradle when she got him. This past week, I visited the two of them to discover that they have adopted a new puppy. The two of them looked the most happy and radiant that I have seen them look in weeks. There is something extra special about spending time with people in their last phase of life as I prepare to welcome a baby into the very first phase of life.
4. Strangers can be very kind.
This week while braving the last minute holiday crowds, I made a series of purchases at Target. While I was waiting in life with my over-filled shopping cart, the woman behind me excused herself and walked to the front of the line. "Excuse me," she told the cashier. "I'm going to help load her cart." The woman than looked at me. "I'm so sorry, it took me a minute to see how pregnant you were. If I'd seen you sooner, I would have helped you earlier." I thanked her and told her I'd pay her good deed forward.
5. Everyone needs to know that someone cares about their well-being.
Yesterday when my boyfriend and I went to Kaiser for a delivery q and a session with a midwife, we started out in the standard way. The nurse called me back for preliminary vitals and the dreaded weight check. As the nurse checked my blood pressure, I looked up at her and asked her how her day was going today. The question triggered her. She broke down in tears and said, "not good...I'm trying to get through it, but I'm having a really hard day." We chatted a bit as she walked me to our room, but I could see she was in emotional pain. As we walked out after the appointment, we ran into the nurse again. Just before we exited, she said "Come here" and walked around the counter to meet us. "Let me give you a big hug." She did and she didn't let go for about thirty seconds. She thanked us for our kindness, apologized us for her meltdown and gave us blessings for our soon-to-arrive baby. I told her that sometimes when life feels out of control, we sink to the bottom of a pool before pushing off and then coming up for a fresh breath of air and a fresh start. "You know, that's exactly what I need to do," she said, as she wiped her tears from her eyes. As we walked away, I realized just how fragile we all can be. Sometimes all it takes is one person saying "How are you?" to remind us that we are never alone and that we will get through life's obstacles.
6. Sharing parking spaces is invaluable at this time of the year.
Yesterday after our appointment, we decided that we needed some frozen yogurt. We searched in the parking structure for a good amount of time. Then, a kind man walked out. "I'm right over here. Follow me," he said. He got in his car, opened his window and shouted "Merry Christmas."
7. Family--both biological family and chosen family--are so important.
During pregnancy, I've connected with some fantastic mamas in the making, formed deeper bonds with friends who already have children and with my significant other's sister--who is a friend, a mother and a family member by virtue of my relationship. My own family lives more than a thousand miles away so it's been fantastic to build connections with these friends. I've found that when you connect with others and share the positives of life as well as the struggles you're encountering (particularly with non-judgmental people), you can get through anything. Yesterday, I had an early morning chat with my significant other's sister and we reminded ourselves that sometimes in life it's worth setting aside our pride, letting our guard down and letting ourselves be vulnerable and authentic. The main risk of putting our full selves forward is the fear that others may reject us or not embrace us. But the risk of not doing that is far greater. Thank you for all of the important, reflective discussions:).
8. Always appreciate opportunities to take in the beauty of the world.
I'm grateful for the trip my significant other and I are about to take to Mount Diablo. It is a beautiful day in the Bay and what better way to celebrate our time together and the building of our family.
9. Look at unrealized timelines as lessons in patience.
I'm learning from my Baby girl who was due a few days ago who valuable patience is. Rather than rushing her or feeling impatient with her, we're using this time to get extra prepared for her arrival and to schedule a few extra things together.
10. Be thankful for the kindness you'll encounter today. The day is just beginning. We haven't left the house yet, so it's hard to say what awaits us. But, I have learned enough about life to know that the energy we exude has something to do with the energy that we attract. If we go out into the world feeling positive and determined, we are bound to attract more of that. Merry Christmas!
Thursday, December 15, 2011
39 Weeks!!!
Wow! Thirty-nine weeks ago, I was celebrating my birthday, sipping a glass of wine at Close Pegas winery and then watching the natural geysers in Calistoga with my significant other. I remember wearing a cute little white dress, gold wedge shoes and a fantastic over-sized gold ring and feeling so petite and cute that day. As I enjoyed the carefree day, I got excited while contemplating what the next year of life had in store for me and for us. I would have never in a million years guessed that thirty-nine weeks later, I'd be almost thirty-five pounds heavier, that I'd be in my second week of maternity leave and that I'd be on the brink of welcoming a baby girl to the world. But, here I am!
I can't remember the last time I experienced a full night of sleep! I've gotten used to mini meals at 4am. My significant other and I have had to adjust from our carefree, go with the flow lifestyles to the reality that by the end of the month we'll be parents and we'll have a small child counting on us. I still do reject the idea that many people from older generations try to push on us--the idea that once our baby enters the world, our lives will effectively be over. (I like to think that in order to be the best parents possible, we need to continue living, learning and growing along with our baby.) I've gone from working everyday, reporting for a radio station on the weekends and writing several evenings a week to spending a significant chunk of my free time with the mama-to-be friends (who are increasingly transitioning into mamas) and squeezing in a field story whenever I have the energy to do so. I've gone from being completely independent to now having my significant other want to join me while I'm covering stories like 'Occupy Oakland.' And rather than feeling hindered or like my independence is being compromised, I love his company. I'm learning everyday how to create space in my life for the blessing that will soon be joining us, how to go from being a fly-by-the-seat of my pants gal to a family woman:). Here's my latest round of discoveries for how to survive the final stage of pregnancy.
1. Don't use your busy schedule as an excuse to dodge your life issues. I was so busy with work and projects and so excited to start my maternity leave, and then when it finally began, I almost had a breakdown. People called me throughout the day and told me to live up my leave time, because my life would never be the same again. All of a sudden, all of the issues with my relationship that I'd put off thinking about because of my busy schedule starred me in the face. I kept the TV on and saw crappy talk shows and I imagined myself to be miserable stay-at-home mom. That night when I went to pick up my significant other from the train station, I greeted him in tears as I let him know that I didn't think I could do this. Like many dads in the pre-birth phase, he was also freaking out, but did so in silence as he spent hours playing games on his computer. That night we ended up talking about all of our hopes, fears and concerns--a conversation that was long overdue. We didn't come up with all of the answers and there are no sure-fire answers, but I felt more like we could find a way to handle this new adventure as a team.
2. Connect with other mommies-to-be and mommies. While taking pre-natal classes, I've managed to connect with some amazing friends who are going through the same life obstacles as me. Last week, I had brunch with two of my pregnant friends--A who was 39 weeks pregnant and F who was 34 weeks pregnant. We share our stories with each other about family pressure, transitioning from working women to women who will be spending significant amounts of time in the domestic front for at least a period of time, exchange stories about the bloopers we are experiencing with our significant others as we get ready for life changes, and more. You might find that many of your non-pregnant, childless friends are a little freaked out by your situation and aren't quite sure how to integrate you into plans anymore. Rather than resisting that or feeling hurt about it, go with it and accept that life changes. Lean on friends who are going through similar life experiences.
3. Read Amy Richard's 'Opting In.' Amy is a fantastic author who explores the issue of how woman can opt into motherhood without giving up on their own goals, dreams, visions and careers (if that's what they choose to do). She's a strong feminist, a significant other, an activist, an author and a mom to two children. There are so many narrow messages out there about what it means to be a 'proper mom' that I think it's imperative to hear from women like Amy with a wider view of the complexities of motherhood and balance.
4. Bring lunch to new moms. Last week, my pregnant friends F and A brought lunch to our classmate from prenatal yoga who gave birth to a small baby a few weeks ahead of schedule. Prior to being pregnant and taking classes about pregnancy and how to treat new moms, I was likely a terrible visitor. I've learned that when you visit a new mom, there's nothing more important than being prepared to pitch in. Bring a meal, offer to hold her baby so she can take a breath or eat her meal. Whatever you do, don't expect her to take care of you:).
5. Be flexible with your plans. My baby is due in a week, but the last two weeks have showed zero progress in dialation. On my last visit, he let me know that my daughter may be dropping in on us a little bit later than expected. He offered tips for how to get her to arrive naturally in a timely manner without drugs like petocin or without a c-section, so I'll try those.
6. Stay active. My doctor advised me to walk everyday as if it's my job and then tongue in cheek, he suggested sex as a good way to keep everything moving along in a timely manner. In late pregnancy, both of those things can be challenging. Just as laying down, sitting or standing becomes uncomfortable, walking can be slightly uncomfortable and sex can seem more complicated than it's worth. But, my doc says it's good for your baby, for your body and for your relationship. Communicate with your partner. He can keep you company on your walks and together you can find your new rhythm for intimacy as well.
7, Make a daily to-do list. Think about things you'd like to accomplish each day and make a list. The list shouldn't just be house keeping projects, it should include things like exercise, time to touch base with friends, projects or hobbies you've been meaning to work on and for fun, throw in a few tasks that you've been meaning to take care of. Whatever you do, don't just vege out in front of the TV for the entire day.
8. Try your hand at a few new recipes or dinner creations and dine with your significant other whenever possible. This is your time. Explore some healthy, but delicious options for dining. Cook and dine together whenever possible. Don't eat in front of the TV. Use meal time as another time to connect.
9. Communicate your boundaries and needs in a kind and respectful way. By virtue of carrying babies for nine-months, we're more connected to our babies and our needs as mothers than anyone else. While it's true that we didn't get pregnant by ourselves, there's no way for anyone--even our baby daddies--to know exactly what we need. If what you need is to have dad close by out of the reality that you fear going into labor alone, gently let him know. I've learned that others cannot read our minds. State what you need ahead of time to give dad an opportunity to understand and respond. Speak from the 'I' and be kind. Saying 'I'd really like you to be near me right now in case something happens' sounds much better than saying 'If you drink too much, don't come home tonight.' I made the mistake of saying the latter. My significant other immediately turned down his invitation from his friends, but I felt horrible. I felt so bad that I left the house, so he could go out without feeling bad. He ended up staying home and by the time I got home, I had terrible abdominal pain and we were afraid that stress would send me into labor. The moral of the story is be kind and direct. You want your partner to make decisions because they are good for the family...not because you guilt-tripped him.
10. Keep having date nights and date afternoons. In order to build a strong family together, you need a strong base. If your relationship suffers, it's difficult for the two of you to serve as a base for building a unified family on. Take time for each other. Communicate. Breath. Have fun. Laugh at mistakes. Be patient.
I can't remember the last time I experienced a full night of sleep! I've gotten used to mini meals at 4am. My significant other and I have had to adjust from our carefree, go with the flow lifestyles to the reality that by the end of the month we'll be parents and we'll have a small child counting on us. I still do reject the idea that many people from older generations try to push on us--the idea that once our baby enters the world, our lives will effectively be over. (I like to think that in order to be the best parents possible, we need to continue living, learning and growing along with our baby.) I've gone from working everyday, reporting for a radio station on the weekends and writing several evenings a week to spending a significant chunk of my free time with the mama-to-be friends (who are increasingly transitioning into mamas) and squeezing in a field story whenever I have the energy to do so. I've gone from being completely independent to now having my significant other want to join me while I'm covering stories like 'Occupy Oakland.' And rather than feeling hindered or like my independence is being compromised, I love his company. I'm learning everyday how to create space in my life for the blessing that will soon be joining us, how to go from being a fly-by-the-seat of my pants gal to a family woman:). Here's my latest round of discoveries for how to survive the final stage of pregnancy.
1. Don't use your busy schedule as an excuse to dodge your life issues. I was so busy with work and projects and so excited to start my maternity leave, and then when it finally began, I almost had a breakdown. People called me throughout the day and told me to live up my leave time, because my life would never be the same again. All of a sudden, all of the issues with my relationship that I'd put off thinking about because of my busy schedule starred me in the face. I kept the TV on and saw crappy talk shows and I imagined myself to be miserable stay-at-home mom. That night when I went to pick up my significant other from the train station, I greeted him in tears as I let him know that I didn't think I could do this. Like many dads in the pre-birth phase, he was also freaking out, but did so in silence as he spent hours playing games on his computer. That night we ended up talking about all of our hopes, fears and concerns--a conversation that was long overdue. We didn't come up with all of the answers and there are no sure-fire answers, but I felt more like we could find a way to handle this new adventure as a team.
2. Connect with other mommies-to-be and mommies. While taking pre-natal classes, I've managed to connect with some amazing friends who are going through the same life obstacles as me. Last week, I had brunch with two of my pregnant friends--A who was 39 weeks pregnant and F who was 34 weeks pregnant. We share our stories with each other about family pressure, transitioning from working women to women who will be spending significant amounts of time in the domestic front for at least a period of time, exchange stories about the bloopers we are experiencing with our significant others as we get ready for life changes, and more. You might find that many of your non-pregnant, childless friends are a little freaked out by your situation and aren't quite sure how to integrate you into plans anymore. Rather than resisting that or feeling hurt about it, go with it and accept that life changes. Lean on friends who are going through similar life experiences.
3. Read Amy Richard's 'Opting In.' Amy is a fantastic author who explores the issue of how woman can opt into motherhood without giving up on their own goals, dreams, visions and careers (if that's what they choose to do). She's a strong feminist, a significant other, an activist, an author and a mom to two children. There are so many narrow messages out there about what it means to be a 'proper mom' that I think it's imperative to hear from women like Amy with a wider view of the complexities of motherhood and balance.
4. Bring lunch to new moms. Last week, my pregnant friends F and A brought lunch to our classmate from prenatal yoga who gave birth to a small baby a few weeks ahead of schedule. Prior to being pregnant and taking classes about pregnancy and how to treat new moms, I was likely a terrible visitor. I've learned that when you visit a new mom, there's nothing more important than being prepared to pitch in. Bring a meal, offer to hold her baby so she can take a breath or eat her meal. Whatever you do, don't expect her to take care of you:).
5. Be flexible with your plans. My baby is due in a week, but the last two weeks have showed zero progress in dialation. On my last visit, he let me know that my daughter may be dropping in on us a little bit later than expected. He offered tips for how to get her to arrive naturally in a timely manner without drugs like petocin or without a c-section, so I'll try those.
6. Stay active. My doctor advised me to walk everyday as if it's my job and then tongue in cheek, he suggested sex as a good way to keep everything moving along in a timely manner. In late pregnancy, both of those things can be challenging. Just as laying down, sitting or standing becomes uncomfortable, walking can be slightly uncomfortable and sex can seem more complicated than it's worth. But, my doc says it's good for your baby, for your body and for your relationship. Communicate with your partner. He can keep you company on your walks and together you can find your new rhythm for intimacy as well.
7, Make a daily to-do list. Think about things you'd like to accomplish each day and make a list. The list shouldn't just be house keeping projects, it should include things like exercise, time to touch base with friends, projects or hobbies you've been meaning to work on and for fun, throw in a few tasks that you've been meaning to take care of. Whatever you do, don't just vege out in front of the TV for the entire day.
8. Try your hand at a few new recipes or dinner creations and dine with your significant other whenever possible. This is your time. Explore some healthy, but delicious options for dining. Cook and dine together whenever possible. Don't eat in front of the TV. Use meal time as another time to connect.
9. Communicate your boundaries and needs in a kind and respectful way. By virtue of carrying babies for nine-months, we're more connected to our babies and our needs as mothers than anyone else. While it's true that we didn't get pregnant by ourselves, there's no way for anyone--even our baby daddies--to know exactly what we need. If what you need is to have dad close by out of the reality that you fear going into labor alone, gently let him know. I've learned that others cannot read our minds. State what you need ahead of time to give dad an opportunity to understand and respond. Speak from the 'I' and be kind. Saying 'I'd really like you to be near me right now in case something happens' sounds much better than saying 'If you drink too much, don't come home tonight.' I made the mistake of saying the latter. My significant other immediately turned down his invitation from his friends, but I felt horrible. I felt so bad that I left the house, so he could go out without feeling bad. He ended up staying home and by the time I got home, I had terrible abdominal pain and we were afraid that stress would send me into labor. The moral of the story is be kind and direct. You want your partner to make decisions because they are good for the family...not because you guilt-tripped him.
10. Keep having date nights and date afternoons. In order to build a strong family together, you need a strong base. If your relationship suffers, it's difficult for the two of you to serve as a base for building a unified family on. Take time for each other. Communicate. Breath. Have fun. Laugh at mistakes. Be patient.
Monday, October 31, 2011
31 Weeks and Counting
Dear Baby,
If there's one thing that pregnancy has taught me, it is that there are few things in life that we have control of and if there is something that it confirms, it is that few things in life go according to plans. Tonight is your papa's birthday..I think it'll be a lucky birthday because he's turning 34 (and the two digits add up to seven). It was my dream to pull together his closest friends and family and put them all in one place to set their differences aside and enjoy his special day. It didn't quite work out that way. As it turns out, adults sometimes have a much harder time forgiving each other and setting aside their differences than children do. When we are young, we fall down and get back up and try again. As we get older, we sometimes lose our courage to get back up and try again. If there is one hope that I have for you, it is that you will never give up on getting back up and trying again no matter how many times you fall or how hard life may seem. It's exhausting at times, but it makes life worth living and it will keep you young.
These days, I feel you and see you moving inside of me. It is an incredible feeling and hard to imagine that in nine short weeks, you'll be here with us. When I was baby, I wanted to come out feet first, perhaps to hit the ground running. Guess what...so far, you're following your mama's pattern. I always planned for a natural childbirth, but you are teaching me to let go. If you choose to turn over prior to mama's delivery date, we'll go for the natural birth. If not, we'll do what doctor's say is safest. Letting go is just one of the many lessons you have taught your mama and papa prior to your arrival, there are many more. Here are a few of the things that you've taught us and that we know we need to focus on in preparation for your arrival.
1. Focus on taking care of our family first. We have learned that we have little or no control over the way that other people act. If some family members choose not to talk to each other or have conflicts amongst themselves, we have to accept the fact that we can't change them. All we can do is make sure that we are a strong family unit and treat others well. Everyone else will work out their own struggles when and if they are ready.
2. Take time for daily exercise and kegels. By taking time out of our busy lives to exercise and also to do those darn kegels, we are paving the way for you to enter the world.
3. Let go. Mama's prenatal counselor suggested having a surrender box and writing and inserting all of life's worries and sources of anxiety inside. This helps us cope with life's variables that are out of our control and can give us the patience necessary to deal with what we have to deal with.
4. Take time to write or engage in a passion every day. Mama has a book in the works that she'd love to arrive around the same time that you arrive. Papa has a project in the works that he says is a surprise. We'll make an effort to spend some time working on both of those things a little bit everyday.
5. Sleep. You've reminded us that sleep is an invaluable commodity. It's true..mama frequently wakes up in need of a snack at 4:30am and to go to the bathroom multiple times a night, but you've helped remind her that sleep is necessary and have taught her how to take naps.
6. Do arm exercises. We've learned that in order to be prepared for carrying you around, we need to be strong. For that reason, both mama and papa will make an effort to do some strength exercises each day.
7. Meditate. The more relaxed mom and dad are, the better you will feel. Mama will continue taking a meditative walk several times each week and taking some down time to listen to music. She'll convince papa to sing and play music on his guitar each week to help us relax as well.
8. Get organized. As you prepare to join us, we are doing our best to get organized and to make space for you in our lives literally and figuratively. We don't have it figured out yet, but we're committed to making every effort to learn as we go.
9. Budget. After being on our own for such a long time, we've decided to start a joint bank account that we both contribute to and developing a budget to make sure we are prepared for taking care of our family. This means that your parents are learning to be moderate with dining out habits, coffee consumption and to be more budget friendly with outings.
10. Stay committed. We already know that we have a learning curve for preparing to be parents. We will undoubtedly make mistakes, but we promise that no matter how challenging things get, we will be here for you and will continue to live, learn and grow along with you.
If there's one thing that pregnancy has taught me, it is that there are few things in life that we have control of and if there is something that it confirms, it is that few things in life go according to plans. Tonight is your papa's birthday..I think it'll be a lucky birthday because he's turning 34 (and the two digits add up to seven). It was my dream to pull together his closest friends and family and put them all in one place to set their differences aside and enjoy his special day. It didn't quite work out that way. As it turns out, adults sometimes have a much harder time forgiving each other and setting aside their differences than children do. When we are young, we fall down and get back up and try again. As we get older, we sometimes lose our courage to get back up and try again. If there is one hope that I have for you, it is that you will never give up on getting back up and trying again no matter how many times you fall or how hard life may seem. It's exhausting at times, but it makes life worth living and it will keep you young.
These days, I feel you and see you moving inside of me. It is an incredible feeling and hard to imagine that in nine short weeks, you'll be here with us. When I was baby, I wanted to come out feet first, perhaps to hit the ground running. Guess what...so far, you're following your mama's pattern. I always planned for a natural childbirth, but you are teaching me to let go. If you choose to turn over prior to mama's delivery date, we'll go for the natural birth. If not, we'll do what doctor's say is safest. Letting go is just one of the many lessons you have taught your mama and papa prior to your arrival, there are many more. Here are a few of the things that you've taught us and that we know we need to focus on in preparation for your arrival.
1. Focus on taking care of our family first. We have learned that we have little or no control over the way that other people act. If some family members choose not to talk to each other or have conflicts amongst themselves, we have to accept the fact that we can't change them. All we can do is make sure that we are a strong family unit and treat others well. Everyone else will work out their own struggles when and if they are ready.
2. Take time for daily exercise and kegels. By taking time out of our busy lives to exercise and also to do those darn kegels, we are paving the way for you to enter the world.
3. Let go. Mama's prenatal counselor suggested having a surrender box and writing and inserting all of life's worries and sources of anxiety inside. This helps us cope with life's variables that are out of our control and can give us the patience necessary to deal with what we have to deal with.
4. Take time to write or engage in a passion every day. Mama has a book in the works that she'd love to arrive around the same time that you arrive. Papa has a project in the works that he says is a surprise. We'll make an effort to spend some time working on both of those things a little bit everyday.
5. Sleep. You've reminded us that sleep is an invaluable commodity. It's true..mama frequently wakes up in need of a snack at 4:30am and to go to the bathroom multiple times a night, but you've helped remind her that sleep is necessary and have taught her how to take naps.
6. Do arm exercises. We've learned that in order to be prepared for carrying you around, we need to be strong. For that reason, both mama and papa will make an effort to do some strength exercises each day.
7. Meditate. The more relaxed mom and dad are, the better you will feel. Mama will continue taking a meditative walk several times each week and taking some down time to listen to music. She'll convince papa to sing and play music on his guitar each week to help us relax as well.
8. Get organized. As you prepare to join us, we are doing our best to get organized and to make space for you in our lives literally and figuratively. We don't have it figured out yet, but we're committed to making every effort to learn as we go.
9. Budget. After being on our own for such a long time, we've decided to start a joint bank account that we both contribute to and developing a budget to make sure we are prepared for taking care of our family. This means that your parents are learning to be moderate with dining out habits, coffee consumption and to be more budget friendly with outings.
10. Stay committed. We already know that we have a learning curve for preparing to be parents. We will undoubtedly make mistakes, but we promise that no matter how challenging things get, we will be here for you and will continue to live, learn and grow along with you.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Tests and Lessons from the Universe!
Sometimes life tests us more than we ever would have bargained for. We stay strong for the sake of ourselves and, for those of us who are pregnant, for the sake of our unborn babies. But every once in a while, we reach our breaking point and get teary-eyed while we're sitting in Starbucks writing a blog:). It's days like this when we need to remind ourselves what we're thankful for, and assure both ourselves and our unborn babies that everything's gonna be alright. For that reason, this blog is dedicated to my baby.
Dear Baby,
It's amazing to know that in less than fourteen weeks, you will be here! My ayurvedic doctor believes that baby's choose their parents and we are so happy that you choose us. There is so much to teach you about the world, but you have already taught us so much. Here are some lessons that I want to share with you.
Life is what happens when you are making other plans.
In life, very few things go according to plan. Rather than getting upset when things don't work out as you'd hoped or expecting life to adjust to you, it's better to adjust to life. You were a surprise for us, but even before you've arrived, you've made our lives better. As we prepare to meet you in person, we are learning how to be the best possible people we can be, how to find our voices so we can do our part to make the world a better place for you to come to.
No matter how hard life pushes you, never forget what you are grateful for.
In the past month, you have experienced a car accident (which resulted in mom's car getting totaled). You have moved out of your apartment and into a hotel with me, because there was toxic mold in our home. Because I am carrying you, I had the strength to insist that our home be properly inspected for the sake of both of us. I don't care that I've lost my car or that I'm living in a hotel room, I care that you are safe and healthy. Thank you for letting me know you are safe and healthy with your kicks and movements. Right now, you are feet first. Doctors called that the 'breached' position, but I call that the desire to hit the ground running like your mom. I'm guessing by the time you're ready to come out, you'll flip around so that you can be born in a natural way. But, we will welcome you to the world anyway you'd like to arrive. I'm grateful that before long, your papa, you and me will begin our lives together.
Be willing to change.
Sometimes in life, we have to prioritize and make changes. Before you joined me, I traveled the entire world on a shoestring budget and your dad also enjoyed a bachelor's lifestyle. Now, I'm taking a break from traveling to prepare from you, and your dad is working on making some changes in his life too so that we'll be ready to move forward as a family. As you go through life and you are making choices, always ask yourself: 'Am I being the best possible version of me that I possibly can be?' 'Do I have any goals or dreams that I haven't met or tried to reach?' 'What is in my way and what can I do differently?' Always come back to those questions to center yourself.
You have all the answers inside of you.
Sometimes we tend to doubt ourselves and let the voices of other people outweigh our inner voice or that feeling we get inside of our stomach that tells us what is best for us. Process with other people, but always trust your instinct.
If you have a problem, own it and seek out support.
Everyone has problems, but often people feel too ashamed or afraid of appearing weak or getting judged. You will learn that nobody judges you more harshly than you will judge yourself. Be grateful for having the courage and strength to own your problems and seek out support. It will be a freeing experience.
Always put yourself first.
Sometimes people will tell you that thinking about yourself before others is selfish. Never listen to them. The stronger you are, the healthier you are and the better you feel, the more you will have to offer the world.
Always know that you are loved.
The second I heard your heartbeat, I loved you and knew I'd do everything in my power to give you a good life. I can't see you as clearly as your dad can during ultrasounds, but I know that the minute your dad saw you, he loved you.
You are in charge of your own destiny.
Life is way less about what happens to you than it is about the way you respond to it. Choose to have a fantastic, 'can-do' attitude and you will go far in life and likely be a happy little girl. You dad and I have strategically chosen a strong name for you, inspired in part by both of your grandmothers that will remind you to never lose hope.
Finally, only surround yourself with people who are kind to you and people will not hold you back when you have an opportunity to grow and flourish. Life is too short to do anything other than that.
Thank you for choosing us! We will see you soon!
Love,
Mom
Dear Baby,
It's amazing to know that in less than fourteen weeks, you will be here! My ayurvedic doctor believes that baby's choose their parents and we are so happy that you choose us. There is so much to teach you about the world, but you have already taught us so much. Here are some lessons that I want to share with you.
Life is what happens when you are making other plans.
In life, very few things go according to plan. Rather than getting upset when things don't work out as you'd hoped or expecting life to adjust to you, it's better to adjust to life. You were a surprise for us, but even before you've arrived, you've made our lives better. As we prepare to meet you in person, we are learning how to be the best possible people we can be, how to find our voices so we can do our part to make the world a better place for you to come to.
No matter how hard life pushes you, never forget what you are grateful for.
In the past month, you have experienced a car accident (which resulted in mom's car getting totaled). You have moved out of your apartment and into a hotel with me, because there was toxic mold in our home. Because I am carrying you, I had the strength to insist that our home be properly inspected for the sake of both of us. I don't care that I've lost my car or that I'm living in a hotel room, I care that you are safe and healthy. Thank you for letting me know you are safe and healthy with your kicks and movements. Right now, you are feet first. Doctors called that the 'breached' position, but I call that the desire to hit the ground running like your mom. I'm guessing by the time you're ready to come out, you'll flip around so that you can be born in a natural way. But, we will welcome you to the world anyway you'd like to arrive. I'm grateful that before long, your papa, you and me will begin our lives together.
Be willing to change.
Sometimes in life, we have to prioritize and make changes. Before you joined me, I traveled the entire world on a shoestring budget and your dad also enjoyed a bachelor's lifestyle. Now, I'm taking a break from traveling to prepare from you, and your dad is working on making some changes in his life too so that we'll be ready to move forward as a family. As you go through life and you are making choices, always ask yourself: 'Am I being the best possible version of me that I possibly can be?' 'Do I have any goals or dreams that I haven't met or tried to reach?' 'What is in my way and what can I do differently?' Always come back to those questions to center yourself.
You have all the answers inside of you.
Sometimes we tend to doubt ourselves and let the voices of other people outweigh our inner voice or that feeling we get inside of our stomach that tells us what is best for us. Process with other people, but always trust your instinct.
If you have a problem, own it and seek out support.
Everyone has problems, but often people feel too ashamed or afraid of appearing weak or getting judged. You will learn that nobody judges you more harshly than you will judge yourself. Be grateful for having the courage and strength to own your problems and seek out support. It will be a freeing experience.
Always put yourself first.
Sometimes people will tell you that thinking about yourself before others is selfish. Never listen to them. The stronger you are, the healthier you are and the better you feel, the more you will have to offer the world.
Always know that you are loved.
The second I heard your heartbeat, I loved you and knew I'd do everything in my power to give you a good life. I can't see you as clearly as your dad can during ultrasounds, but I know that the minute your dad saw you, he loved you.
You are in charge of your own destiny.
Life is way less about what happens to you than it is about the way you respond to it. Choose to have a fantastic, 'can-do' attitude and you will go far in life and likely be a happy little girl. You dad and I have strategically chosen a strong name for you, inspired in part by both of your grandmothers that will remind you to never lose hope.
Finally, only surround yourself with people who are kind to you and people will not hold you back when you have an opportunity to grow and flourish. Life is too short to do anything other than that.
Thank you for choosing us! We will see you soon!
Love,
Mom
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Coping with Unsolicited Advice & Loaded Questions
It's amazing how much advice you'll find that people have for you when you're pregnant. Sometimes it comes out in a straightforward manner and other times it comes out through sarcasm, loaded questions and implied craziness. Here are some of my 'favorites.'
1. "What??? You're going to have what kind of birth? You're not having an epidural!? Are you nuts?"
About half of all babies born in the United States are born to a mother who has had an epidural, which means that almost half are born to mothers who haven't had epidurals. I have quite a few friends who've given birth naturally or with the help of a non-invasive pain killer and a handful who've had epidurals. I think the way that we choose to bring our off-spring into the world is incredibly personal. My pilates instructor opted for an epidural after hours and hours of labor, which was a perfect choice for her. My friend in Australia made it to the hospital eighteen minutes before her baby was born and swears by giving birth the natural way. Another friend had a water birth in her own home, which was perfect for her. The bottom line is that only you know which method is right for you. In my case, I manage my health through Western and Ayurvedic medicine/holistic practices, so I am planning to go as natural as possible. In response to the people who question why anyone in their right mind would forego an epidural...
*It's personal. I'm not having one, but you can if you'd like to when you have you're baby. If you had one when you gave birth, don't judge me for not having one.
*On the medical side, there is risk of having a sudden drop in blood pressure and a severe headache caused by leaking of spinal fluid, shivering, ringing of the ears, a backache, soreness where needle is inserted, nausea and difficulty urinating.
*Pushing become more difficult, making it necessary to add meds such as Pitocin or to utilize a vacuum extraction or a cesarian for the actual birth.
*The lower half of your body is numb for a few hours after the birth and some babies have a hard time latching on for breast feeding.
*Permanent nerve damage can occur.
*Oh, and lastly, there has been a slight increase in deaths associated with epidurals since the mid 1990s. (It is rare that this would happen and it shouldn't deter you from having an epidural if that is what you feel is right for you, but again..it's such a personal area. So if someone is doing something different than you, opt to respect that.)
2. "Now that you're having your baby, your life is over..so get ready!"
I refuse to believe that my life ends when my child's life begins. Instead, I think it's more imperative than ever that parents continue to live, learn and grow along with their babies. There's no need to give up your hobbies or give up on a dream that you had..it might simply be necessary to tweak and prioritize. If you were a big partier before your baby was born, it's probably a really good time to trade in that habit. But, for the sake of you and your child, make sure not to assume that your life is over.
3. "Are you going to make your baby be a vegetarian?"
God, I hate this question. I'll always prepare high-protein foods for my family. If my significant other would like to prepare meat for himself and the baby, I certainly will not stop him.
4. "You're vegetarian!?? Are you getting enough protein?" an old lady sitting beside me on a plane barked at me.
Yes! There are tons of ways to get protein..nuts, beans, lentils, cheese and the list goes on.
5. "Now that you're pregnant, don't be surprised when you start craving meat. And when you do, make sure you eat it, your body is craving that for a reason."
Now that I'm pregnant, I crave more chipotle, Indian buffet and chocolate than before, but never do I crave meat. I am sure that some people, who avoid meat simply because of health, might crave it. In my case, if it has a face and it walks, I can absolutely not eat it and there is no chance that I will crave it.
6. "Don't be afraid to let yourself be vulnerable and be a stay-at-home mom."
I have absolute respect for women who choose to be stay-at-home moms, but that is not something within the realm of consideration for me. I love the work that I do and I am a multi-faceted woman. I believe that I can be a mom and a professional at the same time. At a practical level, although I'm not afraid to be emotionally vulnerable, I wouldn't allow myself to be fiscally vulnerable as an unwed mother.
7. "You're pregnant!? How did that happen?" asked one of my students as his face turned bright red.
Ummm...the regular way. Even though it is 2011 and close to half of all babies born in the U.S. are born to unwed parents, even the most liberal people are sometimes thrown off by the thought of an unwed pregnant woman.
8. "You better get organized and start buying stuff for your baby. You can't do this (parent) the way you run your own life. You can't be in the hospital giving birth and then send your friend to a department store to pick up stuff for you. You can't fly by the seat of your pants!"
First of all, everybody and their mother is buying stuff for my baby, which I totally appreciate. Second, when I was a single woman, it wasn't an issue to fly by the seat of my pants a bit. I could decide on Friday that I wanted to travel and do it because nobody depended on me. When I have a child and a partner in the mix, of course, I'm operating out of a different frame of mind.
9. "You're planning to breastfeed? Maybe you should do a mix of formula and breast milk so that your significant other can help more in the night time," offered up a friend who doesn't have kids.
Ummm, thank you. Let me know how this goes for you after you have a baby. Otherwise, I'll also have to work with my baby to find her rhythm.
10. "Be careful with the name you choose. You don't want kids to make fun of it at school. That name is too long. Choose at least two names, in case you want to rename the baby after she is born."
Thank you. The name is a surprise. We will definitely not change our mind, but I just nod and smile when I get the name advice. If you have family members or friends who will shower you with advice about the name, consider keeping it completely private. Once the bundle of joy arrives and is already named, they'll have no choice but to love your baby regardless of what her or his name is.
1. "What??? You're going to have what kind of birth? You're not having an epidural!? Are you nuts?"
About half of all babies born in the United States are born to a mother who has had an epidural, which means that almost half are born to mothers who haven't had epidurals. I have quite a few friends who've given birth naturally or with the help of a non-invasive pain killer and a handful who've had epidurals. I think the way that we choose to bring our off-spring into the world is incredibly personal. My pilates instructor opted for an epidural after hours and hours of labor, which was a perfect choice for her. My friend in Australia made it to the hospital eighteen minutes before her baby was born and swears by giving birth the natural way. Another friend had a water birth in her own home, which was perfect for her. The bottom line is that only you know which method is right for you. In my case, I manage my health through Western and Ayurvedic medicine/holistic practices, so I am planning to go as natural as possible. In response to the people who question why anyone in their right mind would forego an epidural...
*It's personal. I'm not having one, but you can if you'd like to when you have you're baby. If you had one when you gave birth, don't judge me for not having one.
*On the medical side, there is risk of having a sudden drop in blood pressure and a severe headache caused by leaking of spinal fluid, shivering, ringing of the ears, a backache, soreness where needle is inserted, nausea and difficulty urinating.
*Pushing become more difficult, making it necessary to add meds such as Pitocin or to utilize a vacuum extraction or a cesarian for the actual birth.
*The lower half of your body is numb for a few hours after the birth and some babies have a hard time latching on for breast feeding.
*Permanent nerve damage can occur.
*Oh, and lastly, there has been a slight increase in deaths associated with epidurals since the mid 1990s. (It is rare that this would happen and it shouldn't deter you from having an epidural if that is what you feel is right for you, but again..it's such a personal area. So if someone is doing something different than you, opt to respect that.)
2. "Now that you're having your baby, your life is over..so get ready!"
I refuse to believe that my life ends when my child's life begins. Instead, I think it's more imperative than ever that parents continue to live, learn and grow along with their babies. There's no need to give up your hobbies or give up on a dream that you had..it might simply be necessary to tweak and prioritize. If you were a big partier before your baby was born, it's probably a really good time to trade in that habit. But, for the sake of you and your child, make sure not to assume that your life is over.
3. "Are you going to make your baby be a vegetarian?"
God, I hate this question. I'll always prepare high-protein foods for my family. If my significant other would like to prepare meat for himself and the baby, I certainly will not stop him.
4. "You're vegetarian!?? Are you getting enough protein?" an old lady sitting beside me on a plane barked at me.
Yes! There are tons of ways to get protein..nuts, beans, lentils, cheese and the list goes on.
5. "Now that you're pregnant, don't be surprised when you start craving meat. And when you do, make sure you eat it, your body is craving that for a reason."
Now that I'm pregnant, I crave more chipotle, Indian buffet and chocolate than before, but never do I crave meat. I am sure that some people, who avoid meat simply because of health, might crave it. In my case, if it has a face and it walks, I can absolutely not eat it and there is no chance that I will crave it.
6. "Don't be afraid to let yourself be vulnerable and be a stay-at-home mom."
I have absolute respect for women who choose to be stay-at-home moms, but that is not something within the realm of consideration for me. I love the work that I do and I am a multi-faceted woman. I believe that I can be a mom and a professional at the same time. At a practical level, although I'm not afraid to be emotionally vulnerable, I wouldn't allow myself to be fiscally vulnerable as an unwed mother.
7. "You're pregnant!? How did that happen?" asked one of my students as his face turned bright red.
Ummm...the regular way. Even though it is 2011 and close to half of all babies born in the U.S. are born to unwed parents, even the most liberal people are sometimes thrown off by the thought of an unwed pregnant woman.
8. "You better get organized and start buying stuff for your baby. You can't do this (parent) the way you run your own life. You can't be in the hospital giving birth and then send your friend to a department store to pick up stuff for you. You can't fly by the seat of your pants!"
First of all, everybody and their mother is buying stuff for my baby, which I totally appreciate. Second, when I was a single woman, it wasn't an issue to fly by the seat of my pants a bit. I could decide on Friday that I wanted to travel and do it because nobody depended on me. When I have a child and a partner in the mix, of course, I'm operating out of a different frame of mind.
9. "You're planning to breastfeed? Maybe you should do a mix of formula and breast milk so that your significant other can help more in the night time," offered up a friend who doesn't have kids.
Ummm, thank you. Let me know how this goes for you after you have a baby. Otherwise, I'll also have to work with my baby to find her rhythm.
10. "Be careful with the name you choose. You don't want kids to make fun of it at school. That name is too long. Choose at least two names, in case you want to rename the baby after she is born."
Thank you. The name is a surprise. We will definitely not change our mind, but I just nod and smile when I get the name advice. If you have family members or friends who will shower you with advice about the name, consider keeping it completely private. Once the bundle of joy arrives and is already named, they'll have no choice but to love your baby regardless of what her or his name is.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Gratitude--Recipe for a Successful Prenatal Relationship
Managing relationships while pregnant or even when you're not pregnant is somewhat like mastering a recipe. You figure out what works and what doesn't work, what you can do to make the experience even more delicious and flavorful, and the more you practice, the better it gets. In my relationship, the key ingredients are two willing spirits, a sense of humor, communication, forgiveness, a desire to grow, gratitude, reciprocity, and patience!
I've heard that getting pregnant when you have all of your ducks completely in a row (although I'm wondering who, other than perhaps the Duggar family who has an entire army of children and is always preparing for the next one, really has their ducks in a row). When you learn that you are expecting before you were expecting to be expecting, it's a whole different ball game. All of a sudden, some behaviors that seemed fine or tolerable when it was just the two of you, need to be tidied up. Us mothers have a baby growing inside of us so our bodies and babies demand that we start taking care of them in every way possible. Our energy evaporates and we need to rely more than ever on either our support system or on our significant others. I have heard a few stories of relationships that ended right before or after a mother was impregnated...and I have a huge sense of empathy for those women. In my relationship, as my significant other and I were navigating what parenthood meant for our relationship and figuring out which behaviors needed to be tidied up, we went through a whirlwind of emotions, debates, sometimes small arguments, and some occasional crying. Being the independent woman that I am, I would sometimes say, "I can do this alone," when things got heated or difficult. And while I probably could do that if I absolutely had to, the truth is that I want to do this as a team. By this, I mean the whole thing, my relationship and the raising of our daughter. Some men, when pressed or pressured might say, "F*** it, do it alone then." My man, however is not among them and I am grateful.
Since getting pregnant, I've become really skilled at voicing my authentic truth. Sometimes it boils down to, "When you do or say X, I'm impacted in this way. I'm not willing to co-parent with someone who does or says X." Mind you, I don't have any friends who haven't found some issue to address with their partners during pregnancy. I love the way that my dear colleague phrased it. She'd explain to her partner that she wanted him to tidy up some behaviors or be more present and she wanted him to do it, because he knew it was the right thing to do as a parent. And then, she'd back off and let him navigate, digest and find his way. My pilates instructor gives her boyfriend and baby daddy feedback about what she needs from him from a place of gratitude. I know other people who use other strategies or simply don't communicate at all, but I really think the prior two examples are fair ways to communicate with a partner. At one point, after sharing some concerns with my boyfriend, he changed his behavior but became really resentful with me. It's sometimes easier for humans to externalize the issue at hand than look within. He stopped playing music for me, stopped offering back massages, stopped doing all of the kind things that made him into the man that I fell in love with. I felt like he was punishing me. A week into this, I couldn't take it anymore. I had a heart-to-heart with him and told him that I could feel his resentment and also let him know that it was completely optional to be with me, that he could always opt out if he wanted to. That is when he shared that he was struggling with all of the changes he was making and revealed that he was still digesting and making sense of everything. I was fine with him digesting and making sense of stuff, but I wasn't fine experiencing, what felt like, anger and resentment.
I don't know why, but having the conversation and making the space for each of us to state our truth seems to have shifted our relationship for the better. We are perfecting the recipe for our relationship. We are learning to communicate and to co-navigate life as teammates. Since our conversation, he gradually began picking up his guitar again. He started offering massages. He's gradually getting more comfortable communicating and less afraid of conflict. Note to everyone: never try to avoid conflict by not communicating. Conflict or issues left undealt with will never simply resolve themselves and can fester into much bigger issues. I have no doubt that my significant other is continuing to process some of the changes he is making, but he is on his own journey with that and I respect that. Because I see my man putting so much effort into being the best partner and dad he can be, I'm inspired to be the best woman, partner and mom that I can be. We don't come at each other from a tit for tat (or I'll change this so you should change that) perspective. And, at least in my case, he inspires me to want to be my best self.
This past weekend, he had a friend who wanted to grab dinner with him on Friday, so when more friends invited him to meet them on Sunday night, he considered foregoing the opportunity. I think he felt guilty about leaving me home for a few hours, while he enjoyed some guy time. I genuinely needed some writing time and encouraged him to go and see his friends. If he would have forced himself to stay home, while his friends were right down the street, I would have enjoyed his company, but I wouldn't have gotten any writing done and he would have been wondering what his friends were up to. Carving out some time for each of us to have some personal space was healthy for both of us. When he came home that evening and shared the stories he accumulated from his friends, I laughed so hard I almost fell out of bed. (I'd be remised not to share. His friend, the same friend that brought him out the night that I met him, lives in an apartment and seems to have at least two little roommates--one rat and one mouse. His friend had waken up to the site of a rat sitting on his TV looking at him. When he tried unsuccessfully to catch the rat, he walked to the kitchen to get a bowl of cereal. When pouring out cereal, a little mouse swam out of the cereal box and into his bowl and that was the end of his breakfast.) We just cuddled and shared stories, chatted and laughed ourselves to sleep. Sometimes quality time is more precious than quantity time:).
Earlier that weekend, we were at a social gathering and I became the center of attention and was showered with questions about pregnancy and intimacy, unsolicited awkward comments about whether or not to use an epideral, how small women would like to be 'sewn up down there' post labor, etc. I do talk about some of these topics with close friends who've been through the process, but being put on the spot in front of a group of strangers made me want to be a turtle and retreat to my shell. I caught my boyfriend's eye and did the little, 'let's wrap it up and get out of here' sign and within minutes, he graciously had us on our way. The examples could really go on and on, but you get the gist. In any case, I'm going to leave you with the recipe that is making my relationship delicious. I encourage you to try out the recipe and adjust the portions as necessary.
Recipe for a successful and happy relationship during pregnancy and after:)
A healthy dose of patience. Mama is getting used to her ever-changing body. She is struggling with watching her figure expand day-by-day, while making healthy choices for both herself and the baby. She is going to have far less energy than before, require naps and crave reassurance that everything is going to be ok. Be patient with her Papa is figuring out his role in all of this. He wants to be supportive, but doesn't necessarily know how. He might be working on making some changes of his own, but he will benefit tremendously from patience.
A frequent dose of laugher. It's true that adding another member to your family is a serious subject, but that doesn't mean you need to take yourselves too seriously. Seize every opportunity to laugh.
Willing spirits. Fold a generous portion of this into your relationship! You'll encounter tons of hiccups in relationships, but if both parties have a 'can-do' attitude, you'll find a way to get through. My health care provider provides infinite prenatal classes and they ask that every pregnant woman bring her partner or a supportive party along to each class. My boyfriend has been at my side for each class with a positive attitude and is fully engaged in the entire discussion. I am grateful! I've seen some men in those classes who look resentful about being there. I can't imagine what it would be like to be there with someone who doesn't want to be there. If you're one of those men who are copping an attitude about the prenatal classes, remind yourself how your significant other ended up pregnant and ask yourself how you'd feel if the shoe were on the other foot:-). If you can let your guard down, I promise, you'll actually have fun.
Forgiveness. Sometimes we take five steps forward and two steps back. But don't worry, in this scenario, you're still three steps further ahead then you were in the beginning. You're both going to step on each others toes from time to time. Dad might feel like he's being taken for granted or question if he can do anything right. Mom might be struggling to embrace her rapidly changing body while also moving into the mommy mentality (which is different for every woman). Undoubtedly one of your feelings will get hurt or something will happen to set the relationship off kilter. Talk through it. Listen. Acknowledge your stake in the issue, apologize when at fault, and forgive as soon as you can. As my boyfriend always says, 'tomorrow is a new day.' It is so true!
Gratitude. Appreciate each other for the gifts that you each bring to the table. Don't focus on each others deficits. We already know our deficits. Instead, build on each others strengths. I am grateful for the effort that my significant other is putting into our prenatal phase of life, grateful for his logistics minded brain that is able to formulate a family budget and for his silliness. These are a few of the many traits that make me want to wake up next to him in the morning. What are you grateful for in your relationship and in life in general.
Reciprocity. Humans crave reciprocity in all social interactions. Don't operate out of a tit-for-tat mentality, but be intentional about reciprocating things like support and effort.
A desire to keep growing. Once on a long car trip, my boyfriend and I were talking about all of the dreams we had in life. He expressed regret about not finishing his four-year degree, and joked that maybe he'd teach our baby that she should go to college so she wouldn't end up like her father. He was thinking that now that our family is beginning, his life as an individual was, in a sense, over. School would be too expensive or impractical, etc. I asked him to reconsider. I know this is different than the old school mentality that to become a parent means to sacrifice oneself. But, I think it's powerful if parents set an example for their children by taking risks. Finish a degree if that's what you'd like to do. Write a book. Take a class. Do whatever you'd like, but commit to keeping on growing. We're hopeful that our daughter will grow up to think that it is ok for her to take risks (just like her parents did), rather than the opposite.
Patience. Patience is a virtue all the time, but especially now. Practice it. When you're patience is running thin, give yourself a quick time-out, take a few breaths and get back to life.
I've heard that getting pregnant when you have all of your ducks completely in a row (although I'm wondering who, other than perhaps the Duggar family who has an entire army of children and is always preparing for the next one, really has their ducks in a row). When you learn that you are expecting before you were expecting to be expecting, it's a whole different ball game. All of a sudden, some behaviors that seemed fine or tolerable when it was just the two of you, need to be tidied up. Us mothers have a baby growing inside of us so our bodies and babies demand that we start taking care of them in every way possible. Our energy evaporates and we need to rely more than ever on either our support system or on our significant others. I have heard a few stories of relationships that ended right before or after a mother was impregnated...and I have a huge sense of empathy for those women. In my relationship, as my significant other and I were navigating what parenthood meant for our relationship and figuring out which behaviors needed to be tidied up, we went through a whirlwind of emotions, debates, sometimes small arguments, and some occasional crying. Being the independent woman that I am, I would sometimes say, "I can do this alone," when things got heated or difficult. And while I probably could do that if I absolutely had to, the truth is that I want to do this as a team. By this, I mean the whole thing, my relationship and the raising of our daughter. Some men, when pressed or pressured might say, "F*** it, do it alone then." My man, however is not among them and I am grateful.
Since getting pregnant, I've become really skilled at voicing my authentic truth. Sometimes it boils down to, "When you do or say X, I'm impacted in this way. I'm not willing to co-parent with someone who does or says X." Mind you, I don't have any friends who haven't found some issue to address with their partners during pregnancy. I love the way that my dear colleague phrased it. She'd explain to her partner that she wanted him to tidy up some behaviors or be more present and she wanted him to do it, because he knew it was the right thing to do as a parent. And then, she'd back off and let him navigate, digest and find his way. My pilates instructor gives her boyfriend and baby daddy feedback about what she needs from him from a place of gratitude. I know other people who use other strategies or simply don't communicate at all, but I really think the prior two examples are fair ways to communicate with a partner. At one point, after sharing some concerns with my boyfriend, he changed his behavior but became really resentful with me. It's sometimes easier for humans to externalize the issue at hand than look within. He stopped playing music for me, stopped offering back massages, stopped doing all of the kind things that made him into the man that I fell in love with. I felt like he was punishing me. A week into this, I couldn't take it anymore. I had a heart-to-heart with him and told him that I could feel his resentment and also let him know that it was completely optional to be with me, that he could always opt out if he wanted to. That is when he shared that he was struggling with all of the changes he was making and revealed that he was still digesting and making sense of everything. I was fine with him digesting and making sense of stuff, but I wasn't fine experiencing, what felt like, anger and resentment.
I don't know why, but having the conversation and making the space for each of us to state our truth seems to have shifted our relationship for the better. We are perfecting the recipe for our relationship. We are learning to communicate and to co-navigate life as teammates. Since our conversation, he gradually began picking up his guitar again. He started offering massages. He's gradually getting more comfortable communicating and less afraid of conflict. Note to everyone: never try to avoid conflict by not communicating. Conflict or issues left undealt with will never simply resolve themselves and can fester into much bigger issues. I have no doubt that my significant other is continuing to process some of the changes he is making, but he is on his own journey with that and I respect that. Because I see my man putting so much effort into being the best partner and dad he can be, I'm inspired to be the best woman, partner and mom that I can be. We don't come at each other from a tit for tat (or I'll change this so you should change that) perspective. And, at least in my case, he inspires me to want to be my best self.
This past weekend, he had a friend who wanted to grab dinner with him on Friday, so when more friends invited him to meet them on Sunday night, he considered foregoing the opportunity. I think he felt guilty about leaving me home for a few hours, while he enjoyed some guy time. I genuinely needed some writing time and encouraged him to go and see his friends. If he would have forced himself to stay home, while his friends were right down the street, I would have enjoyed his company, but I wouldn't have gotten any writing done and he would have been wondering what his friends were up to. Carving out some time for each of us to have some personal space was healthy for both of us. When he came home that evening and shared the stories he accumulated from his friends, I laughed so hard I almost fell out of bed. (I'd be remised not to share. His friend, the same friend that brought him out the night that I met him, lives in an apartment and seems to have at least two little roommates--one rat and one mouse. His friend had waken up to the site of a rat sitting on his TV looking at him. When he tried unsuccessfully to catch the rat, he walked to the kitchen to get a bowl of cereal. When pouring out cereal, a little mouse swam out of the cereal box and into his bowl and that was the end of his breakfast.) We just cuddled and shared stories, chatted and laughed ourselves to sleep. Sometimes quality time is more precious than quantity time:).
Earlier that weekend, we were at a social gathering and I became the center of attention and was showered with questions about pregnancy and intimacy, unsolicited awkward comments about whether or not to use an epideral, how small women would like to be 'sewn up down there' post labor, etc. I do talk about some of these topics with close friends who've been through the process, but being put on the spot in front of a group of strangers made me want to be a turtle and retreat to my shell. I caught my boyfriend's eye and did the little, 'let's wrap it up and get out of here' sign and within minutes, he graciously had us on our way. The examples could really go on and on, but you get the gist. In any case, I'm going to leave you with the recipe that is making my relationship delicious. I encourage you to try out the recipe and adjust the portions as necessary.
Recipe for a successful and happy relationship during pregnancy and after:)
A healthy dose of patience. Mama is getting used to her ever-changing body. She is struggling with watching her figure expand day-by-day, while making healthy choices for both herself and the baby. She is going to have far less energy than before, require naps and crave reassurance that everything is going to be ok. Be patient with her Papa is figuring out his role in all of this. He wants to be supportive, but doesn't necessarily know how. He might be working on making some changes of his own, but he will benefit tremendously from patience.
A frequent dose of laugher. It's true that adding another member to your family is a serious subject, but that doesn't mean you need to take yourselves too seriously. Seize every opportunity to laugh.
Willing spirits. Fold a generous portion of this into your relationship! You'll encounter tons of hiccups in relationships, but if both parties have a 'can-do' attitude, you'll find a way to get through. My health care provider provides infinite prenatal classes and they ask that every pregnant woman bring her partner or a supportive party along to each class. My boyfriend has been at my side for each class with a positive attitude and is fully engaged in the entire discussion. I am grateful! I've seen some men in those classes who look resentful about being there. I can't imagine what it would be like to be there with someone who doesn't want to be there. If you're one of those men who are copping an attitude about the prenatal classes, remind yourself how your significant other ended up pregnant and ask yourself how you'd feel if the shoe were on the other foot:-). If you can let your guard down, I promise, you'll actually have fun.
Forgiveness. Sometimes we take five steps forward and two steps back. But don't worry, in this scenario, you're still three steps further ahead then you were in the beginning. You're both going to step on each others toes from time to time. Dad might feel like he's being taken for granted or question if he can do anything right. Mom might be struggling to embrace her rapidly changing body while also moving into the mommy mentality (which is different for every woman). Undoubtedly one of your feelings will get hurt or something will happen to set the relationship off kilter. Talk through it. Listen. Acknowledge your stake in the issue, apologize when at fault, and forgive as soon as you can. As my boyfriend always says, 'tomorrow is a new day.' It is so true!
Gratitude. Appreciate each other for the gifts that you each bring to the table. Don't focus on each others deficits. We already know our deficits. Instead, build on each others strengths. I am grateful for the effort that my significant other is putting into our prenatal phase of life, grateful for his logistics minded brain that is able to formulate a family budget and for his silliness. These are a few of the many traits that make me want to wake up next to him in the morning. What are you grateful for in your relationship and in life in general.
Reciprocity. Humans crave reciprocity in all social interactions. Don't operate out of a tit-for-tat mentality, but be intentional about reciprocating things like support and effort.
A desire to keep growing. Once on a long car trip, my boyfriend and I were talking about all of the dreams we had in life. He expressed regret about not finishing his four-year degree, and joked that maybe he'd teach our baby that she should go to college so she wouldn't end up like her father. He was thinking that now that our family is beginning, his life as an individual was, in a sense, over. School would be too expensive or impractical, etc. I asked him to reconsider. I know this is different than the old school mentality that to become a parent means to sacrifice oneself. But, I think it's powerful if parents set an example for their children by taking risks. Finish a degree if that's what you'd like to do. Write a book. Take a class. Do whatever you'd like, but commit to keeping on growing. We're hopeful that our daughter will grow up to think that it is ok for her to take risks (just like her parents did), rather than the opposite.
Patience. Patience is a virtue all the time, but especially now. Practice it. When you're patience is running thin, give yourself a quick time-out, take a few breaths and get back to life.
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