Gratitude--Recipe for a Successful Prenatal Relationship

Managing relationships while pregnant or even when you're not pregnant is somewhat like mastering a recipe. You figure out what works and what doesn't work, what you can do to make the experience even more delicious and flavorful, and the more you practice, the better it gets. In my relationship, the key ingredients are two willing spirits, a sense of humor, communication, forgiveness, a desire to grow, gratitude, reciprocity, and patience!

I've heard that getting pregnant when you have all of your ducks completely in a row (although I'm wondering who, other than perhaps the Duggar family who has an entire army of children and is always preparing for the next one, really has their ducks in a row). When you learn that you are expecting before you were expecting to be expecting, it's a whole different ball game. All of a sudden, some behaviors that seemed fine or tolerable when it was just the two of you, need to be tidied up. Us mothers have a baby growing inside of us so our bodies and babies demand that we start taking care of them in every way possible. Our energy evaporates and we need to rely more than ever on either our support system or on our significant others. I have heard a few stories of relationships that ended right before or after a mother was impregnated...and I have a huge sense of empathy for those women. In my relationship, as my significant other and I were navigating what parenthood meant for our relationship and figuring out which behaviors needed to be tidied up, we went through a whirlwind of emotions, debates, sometimes small arguments, and some occasional crying. Being the independent woman that I am, I would sometimes say, "I can do this alone," when things got heated or difficult. And while I probably could do that if I absolutely had to, the truth is that I want to do this as a team. By this, I mean the whole thing, my relationship and the raising of our daughter. Some men, when pressed or pressured might say, "F*** it, do it alone then." My man, however is not among them and I am grateful.

Since getting pregnant, I've become really skilled at voicing my authentic truth. Sometimes it boils down to, "When you do or say  X, I'm impacted in this way. I'm not willing to co-parent with someone who does or says X." Mind you, I don't have any friends who haven't found some issue to address with their partners during pregnancy. I love the way that my dear colleague phrased it. She'd explain to her partner that she wanted him to tidy up some behaviors or be more present and she wanted him to do it, because he knew it was the right thing to do as a parent. And then, she'd back off and let him navigate, digest and find his way. My pilates instructor gives her boyfriend and baby daddy feedback about what she needs from him from a place of gratitude. I know other people who use other strategies or simply don't communicate at all, but I really think the prior two examples are fair ways to communicate with a partner. At one point, after sharing some concerns with my boyfriend, he changed his behavior but became really resentful with me. It's sometimes easier for humans to externalize the issue at hand than look within. He stopped playing music for me, stopped offering back massages, stopped doing all of the kind things that made him into the man that I fell in love with. I felt like he was punishing me. A week into this, I couldn't take it anymore. I had a heart-to-heart with him and told him that I could feel his resentment and also let him know that it was completely optional to be with me, that he could always opt out if he wanted to. That is when he shared that he was struggling with all of the changes he was making and revealed that he was still digesting and making sense of everything. I was fine with him digesting and making sense of stuff, but I wasn't fine experiencing, what felt like, anger and resentment.

I don't know why, but having the conversation and making the space for each of us to state our truth seems to have shifted our relationship for the better. We are perfecting the recipe for our relationship. We are learning to communicate and to co-navigate life as teammates. Since our conversation, he gradually began picking up his guitar again. He started offering massages. He's gradually getting more comfortable communicating and less afraid of conflict. Note to everyone: never try to avoid conflict by not communicating. Conflict or issues left undealt with will never simply resolve themselves and can fester into much bigger issues. I have no doubt that my significant other is continuing to process some of the changes he is making, but he is on his own journey with that and I respect that. Because I see my man putting so much effort into being the best partner and dad he can be, I'm inspired to be the best woman, partner and mom that I can be. We don't come at each other from a tit for tat (or I'll change this so you should change that) perspective. And, at least in my case, he inspires me to want to be my best self.

This past weekend, he had a friend who wanted to grab dinner with him on Friday, so when more friends invited him to meet them on Sunday night, he considered foregoing the opportunity. I think he felt guilty about leaving me home for a few hours, while he enjoyed some guy time. I genuinely needed some writing time and encouraged him to go and see his friends. If he would have forced himself to stay home, while his friends were right down the street, I would have enjoyed his company, but I wouldn't have gotten any writing done and he would have been wondering what his friends were up to. Carving out some time for each of us to have some personal space was healthy for both of us. When he came home that evening and shared the stories he accumulated from his friends, I laughed so hard I almost fell out of bed. (I'd be remised not to share. His friend, the same friend that brought him out the night that I met him, lives in an apartment and seems to have at least two little roommates--one rat and one mouse. His friend had waken up to the site of a rat sitting on his TV looking at him. When he tried unsuccessfully to catch the rat, he walked to the kitchen to get a bowl of cereal. When pouring out cereal, a little mouse swam out of the cereal box and into his bowl and that was the end of his breakfast.) We just cuddled and shared stories, chatted and laughed ourselves to sleep. Sometimes quality time is more precious than quantity time:).

Earlier that weekend, we were at a social gathering and I became the center of attention and was showered with questions about pregnancy and intimacy, unsolicited awkward comments about whether or not to use an epideral, how small women would like to be 'sewn up down there' post labor, etc. I do talk about some of these topics with close friends who've been through the process, but being put on the spot in front of a group of strangers made me want to be a turtle and retreat to my shell. I caught my boyfriend's eye and did the little, 'let's wrap it up and get out of here' sign and within minutes, he graciously had us on our way. The examples could really go on and on, but you get the gist. In any case, I'm going to leave you with the recipe that is making my relationship delicious. I encourage you to try out the recipe and adjust the portions as necessary.

Recipe for a successful and happy relationship during pregnancy and after:)


A healthy dose of patience. Mama is getting used to her ever-changing body. She is struggling with watching her figure expand day-by-day, while making healthy choices for both herself and the baby. She is going to have far less energy than before, require naps and crave reassurance that everything is going to be ok. Be patient with her Papa is figuring out his role in all of this. He wants to be supportive, but doesn't necessarily know how. He might be working on making some changes of his own, but he will benefit tremendously from patience.

A frequent dose of laugher. It's true that adding another member to your family is a serious subject, but that doesn't mean you need to take yourselves too seriously. Seize every opportunity to laugh.

Willing spirits. Fold a generous portion of this into your relationship! You'll encounter tons of hiccups in relationships, but if both parties have a 'can-do' attitude, you'll find a way to get through. My health care provider provides infinite prenatal classes and they ask that every pregnant woman bring her partner or a supportive party along to each class. My boyfriend has been at my side for each class with a positive attitude and is fully engaged in the entire discussion. I am grateful! I've seen some men in those classes who look resentful about being there. I can't imagine what it would be like to be there with someone who doesn't want to be there. If you're one of those men who are copping an attitude about the prenatal classes, remind yourself how your significant other ended up pregnant and ask yourself how you'd feel if the shoe were on the other foot:-). If you can let your guard down, I promise, you'll actually have fun.

Forgiveness. Sometimes we take five steps forward and two steps back. But don't worry, in this scenario, you're still three steps further ahead then you were in the beginning. You're both going to step on each others toes from time to time. Dad might feel like he's being taken for granted or question if he can do anything right. Mom might be struggling to embrace her rapidly changing body while also moving into the mommy mentality (which is different for every woman). Undoubtedly one of your feelings will get hurt or something will happen to set the relationship off kilter. Talk through it. Listen. Acknowledge your stake in the issue, apologize when at fault, and forgive as soon as you can. As my boyfriend always says, 'tomorrow is a new day.' It is so true!

Gratitude. Appreciate each other for the gifts that you each bring to the table. Don't focus on each others deficits. We already know our deficits. Instead, build on each others strengths. I am grateful for the effort that my significant other is putting into our prenatal phase of life, grateful for his logistics minded brain that is able to formulate a family budget and for his silliness. These are a few of the many traits that make me want to wake up next to him in the morning. What are you grateful for in your relationship and in life in general.

Reciprocity. Humans crave reciprocity in all social interactions. Don't operate out of a tit-for-tat mentality, but be intentional about reciprocating things like support and effort.

A desire to keep growing. Once on a long car trip, my boyfriend and I were talking about all of the dreams we had in life. He expressed regret about not finishing his four-year degree, and joked that maybe he'd teach our baby that she should go to college so she wouldn't end up like her father. He was thinking that now that our family is beginning, his life as an individual was, in a sense, over. School would be too expensive or impractical, etc. I asked him to reconsider. I know this is different than the old school mentality that to become a parent means to sacrifice oneself. But, I think it's powerful if parents set an example for their children by taking risks. Finish a degree if that's what you'd like to do. Write a book. Take a class. Do whatever you'd like, but commit to keeping on growing. We're hopeful that our daughter will grow up to think that it is ok for her to take risks (just like her parents did), rather than the opposite.

Patience. Patience is a virtue all the time, but especially now. Practice it. When you're patience is running thin, give yourself a quick time-out, take a few breaths and get back to life.

Half-way Through:)

I've entered the nineteenth week of pregnancy. It's becoming a little bit more difficult to conceal my ever-growing belly, butt, and swollen legs. At the same time as I pray that my slender body will return again someday, I am relieved to see my baby slowly starting to grow. At my last doctor's visit, I heard a strong heartbeat (which my doctor let me record the sound of) and then we had an ultrasound. My bf and I held off for several hours to learn the gender. The technician wrote the gender on a piece of paper and put it inside of a long envelop. My bf and I went to dinner to celebrate the new milestone in our lives. We handed the envelope to our waitress. She went to the back of the restaurant, placed a call to my friend, who was on call to prepare a cake. He knew to make us a strawberry cheesecake if it was a girl and a blueberry cheesecake if it was a boy. To make a long story short, we had strawberry cake waiting for us when we got home and learned that we have a girl on the way. It made the whole experience seem more real and I developed yet another level of confidence about the changing state of my life.

That night I edited down a ten second clip of the heartbeat, created an mp3 called 'the rhythm of life' and sent it to my aunt, who I hadn't yet shared the news with. I had only told my parents, my sister, a cousin, and a handful of friends beforehand, so this was a big step. After I e-mail my aunt, I texted another relative, letting her know I had news to share. It was like the little baby inside of me didn't want to be a secret anymore. She needed to know that her mom was proud to have her and she (and I) needed the world to know about her presence. My relative called me during her break at work. When I told her, she shared that she was expecting to hear different news, but congratulated me anyways and then said she had to go. Another relative shared that she hadn't envisioned me as the mother-type, but that she was sure I'd figure it out. By the time I'd shared the news and got the mixed reviews from relatives, I received an e-mail from my doctor letting me know that I'd need to be seen every two weeks for the remainder of my pregnancy, due to my heightened risk for preclampsia (a rare condition that puts mama and baby at risk for serious problems). I felt vulnerable and started playing out all of the 'what if?' scenarios in my head. 'What if something goes wrong?' 'What if, after sharing this and risking judgment, there's a complication or something doesn't work out?' I decided to take a break from thinking and connect with one of my dearest friends who is also a new mama and had to overcome all of her own 'what if' scenarios just over a year ago, and then I spent the day writing at one of my favorite coffee shops. While writing, I chatted with one of my old high school friends about my worries. His response was something to the tune of, 'Ismaralda, you figure out how to do everything you set your mind to. I have no doubt that you'll get through this.' And, in that instant, I decided to adapt that as my new attitude. Like, my friend Ali, the author of 'The Tao of Dating,' would say, if we walk around fearing that things will go wrong and focus on saying 'I don't want anything to go wrong,' we're putting the energy of something going wrong into the universe. If instead, I walk around focusing on doing everything in my power to have a safe, healthy pregnancy and delivering a healthy baby, that is more likely to be the outcome. I'm focusing on all of the variables in my control...daily exercise, healthy food, a positive attitude, regular communication with the doctor, surrounding myself with positive, non-judgmental people, and leaving the rest to fate. I find there to be power in identifying what is my control and acting on that! I, in fact,  see no alternative.  As I prepare to head back to work, after enjoying a summer off, I have a brand new attitude to bring along with me and loads of lessons I've learned on the journey.

Lesson #1. Internalize the quote that: 'what other people think of me is not my business.' Dr. Seuss has an even more articulate version of the quote. "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -- Dr. Seuss

Nobody knows what is best for you better than you do. I find that the people that are the most quick to judge or offer the most unsolicited advice about what I should or should not do, are people who are unhappy or people whose views don't necessarily matter. Instead of worrying about what others think of you, work on embracing yourself and being the best person that you can be.

Lesson #2. Be selective about who you confide in and how much you choose to confide. 

While people generally act with good intentions, some will be excited for you, and may share more than you wanted to share (without even realizing they've over-shared). I recently met a friend for coffee at my favorite coffee shop. He decided to talk extremely loud and announce to an entire coffee shop that I was expecting. The more attention he got from others, the further he delved in to his charade. Another acquaintance shared personal stories and my blog with my family, because she was excited for me and had forgotten that these things weren't meant to be shared. If anything like this happens to you, do your best to gently practice forgiveness and just be slightly more cautious next time. 


Lesson #3. Find your happy spot and go there frequently.


For me, there is nothing more blissful than writing and people watching in a coffee shop. I love being surrounded by a room full of strangers who are each working on their own projects, or sitting beside friends who are each working on their passions. I find inspiration in the eclectic mix of people and activities to delve deeper into my writing and simply to appreciate life. Sometimes people who are expecting might abstain from places like coffee shops to save money. A decaf Americano is just over two bucks and a latte is under $4. Enjoy your favorite treat, let the hours melt away, and consider it self care. If you're into movies, go see some. Take a friend or go alone, if you need 'me' time. It's all about you right now. 


Lesson #4. Find a prenatal yoga and pilates class.


I just took my very first prenatal pilates class today, and it was wonderful to be surrounded by women ranging from 16 weeks to 32 weeks whose bodies are all going through the same process. I had been trying to go to my normal gym and take regular pilates and core classes and silently whispering to the instructor at the start of each class that I was pregnant. It is far more comforting to take a class with an instructor, who is trained to support pre-natal women and has devised each pose and stretch accordingly.


Lesson #5. Even when you get frustrated with your significant other, vow to keep communicating. Do so from a place of love, gratitude, and support. If either of you feels attacked or unsupported, you're not likely to respond well. Use "I" statements and steer clear of "you" statements at all times. 


My significant other, like all partners, have had our shares of tests and trials throughout the pregnancy. I miss the vibrant, energizer bunny-like woman that I once was. When my boyfriend drives us somewhere in the car, the motion instantly puts me to sleep. During the night, as I struggle to sleep on my left side while balancing on my body pillow, I end up flinging it around and bopping him in the head multiple times. These issues are things that we endearingly laugh at. It's issues like how the integration of a baby will change our lifestyle, what it means to be responsible partners, how to sustain our strong relationship as our lives change that are trickier to navigate. When you don't know where to start in the conversation, delve into a game of twenty questions. It might take a minute for you to find your rhythm, but it will get the dialogue flowing between you, which is important.


Lesson #6. Keep some surprises.


We contemplated several names, but I absolutely fell in love with one. I loved the meaning of it, the strength of the sound of it, and the symbolism of it. To my great surprise, my boyfriend has come to love it. Early in the pregnancy, before we knew our baby's gender and shared possible names with others, we received more unsolicited feedback than I was ready to receive. People told me why other kids in school wouldn't like certain names, that they liked 'American' names (by the way...what the hell is an American name?), etc. Needless to say, when we finally decided, we opted to keep the name to ourselves. Everyone else will be pleasantly surprised in December. 


Lesson #7. Always speak your truth with kindness and integrity.


In addition to utilizing Western medicine, I use Ayurveda to help manage my health. My Ayurvedic practitioner believes everyone has a karmic life lesson to learn. She says she believes my life lesson is to learn to voice my truth. Interestingly, since becoming pregnant, I've become well-versed in this. When you're pregnant, you don't have room to carry around bottled up stress. Un-communicated bottled up thoughts equal stress, which isn't good for baby and me. When I was telling my mother about something that bothered me recently, she said 'It's ok honey. You need to have broad shoulders. Don't let that bother you.' She meant totally well, but the truth is that if we don't communicate about our thoughts and feelings, others will never know how you've been impacted and there is no opportunity to create positive change. 


Lesson #8. Be positive.


Positivity is contagious. Baby needs your positivity, as much as you do! If you're positive, people around you will likely follow suit.


Lesson #9. Don't make hasty decisions for the sake of appeasing others. Only you know what is right for you and when is right for you.


If you're not married when you become preggers, don't rush into marriage simply to deter others from talking about you. Although my significant other and I definitely hope to build a future together, it's important to me that we take life one step at a time. If we formally decide to institutionalize our relationship, it has to be because that is something that we both feel is right. Recently, I got into a conversation with a 21 year old cousin of my Nepali friend who kindly offered me his advice. "I think it's better if you get married...you're going to be a mother." I politely thanked him for being concerned about me, but let him know that I'd get married when my boyfriend and I think the timing is right, not when anyone else does. As my prenatal counselor always says, "It's 2011. There is no longer one correct template for forming families."


Lesson #10. Put your feet up sometimes.


I've been intentional about walking and staying active. Last week, however, my legs said, "give us a break." I know legs can swell, but I swear to you my legs looked and felt like they were bloated..in the same way my belly is bloated after a huge meal. They ached from the hip flexer all the way down to my ankles. When I e-mailed my doctor again, he said...'yep, it sounds like you're pregnant. put your feet up and hang in there...you've got a long ways to go.' Surprising, doing just that has helped.


Lesson #11. Tune into your cravings, but pace yourself.


My colleague whose a doctor and the father of four children told me it's important to pay attention to what your body craves and allow yourself to have a small serving of that particular food. I think he was hoping that I'd say that I was craving meat. While some people who become vegetarians simply for health purposes may crave meat, that is not an issue I imagine myself dealing with. For me, if it has a face and it can walk, I cannot stomach the idea of eating it. I instead crave things like pickled vegetables, chipotle, yogurt, chocolate and chocolate chex. After eating an entire box of chocolate chex cereal this past weekend, I decided to steer clear of cereal. But, I did indulge in purchasing two bottles of pickled banana peppers, low fat string cheese, yogurt and chocolate. As long as I can force myself to indulge modestly, I should be ok...and you should too.


Lesson #12. Sleep.


I've learned that sleep is not something that can be taken for granted any longer. I'm learning to treat myself to  afternoon naps, and to gently forgive myself when I sleep through my workout from time to time. There is always tomorrow. When you're preggers, your body will tell you when enough is enough.