That night I edited down a ten second clip of the heartbeat, created an mp3 called 'the rhythm of life' and sent it to my aunt, who I hadn't yet shared the news with. I had only told my parents, my sister, a cousin, and a handful of friends beforehand, so this was a big step. After I e-mail my aunt, I texted another relative, letting her know I had news to share. It was like the little baby inside of me didn't want to be a secret anymore. She needed to know that her mom was proud to have her and she (and I) needed the world to know about her presence. My relative called me during her break at work. When I told her, she shared that she was expecting to hear different news, but congratulated me anyways and then said she had to go. Another relative shared that she hadn't envisioned me as the mother-type, but that she was sure I'd figure it out. By the time I'd shared the news and got the mixed reviews from relatives, I received an e-mail from my doctor letting me know that I'd need to be seen every two weeks for the remainder of my pregnancy, due to my heightened risk for preclampsia (a rare condition that puts mama and baby at risk for serious problems). I felt vulnerable and started playing out all of the 'what if?' scenarios in my head. 'What if something goes wrong?' 'What if, after sharing this and risking judgment, there's a complication or something doesn't work out?' I decided to take a break from thinking and connect with one of my dearest friends who is also a new mama and had to overcome all of her own 'what if' scenarios just over a year ago, and then I spent the day writing at one of my favorite coffee shops. While writing, I chatted with one of my old high school friends about my worries. His response was something to the tune of, 'Ismaralda, you figure out how to do everything you set your mind to. I have no doubt that you'll get through this.' And, in that instant, I decided to adapt that as my new attitude. Like, my friend Ali, the author of 'The Tao of Dating,' would say, if we walk around fearing that things will go wrong and focus on saying 'I don't want anything to go wrong,' we're putting the energy of something going wrong into the universe. If instead, I walk around focusing on doing everything in my power to have a safe, healthy pregnancy and delivering a healthy baby, that is more likely to be the outcome. I'm focusing on all of the variables in my control...daily exercise, healthy food, a positive attitude, regular communication with the doctor, surrounding myself with positive, non-judgmental people, and leaving the rest to fate. I find there to be power in identifying what is my control and acting on that! I, in fact, see no alternative. As I prepare to head back to work, after enjoying a summer off, I have a brand new attitude to bring along with me and loads of lessons I've learned on the journey.
Lesson #1. Internalize the quote that: 'what other people think of me is not my business.' Dr. Seuss has an even more articulate version of the quote. "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -- Dr. Seuss
Nobody knows what is best for you better than you do. I find that the people that are the most quick to judge or offer the most unsolicited advice about what I should or should not do, are people who are unhappy or people whose views don't necessarily matter. Instead of worrying about what others think of you, work on embracing yourself and being the best person that you can be.
Lesson #2. Be selective about who you confide in and how much you choose to confide.
While people generally act with good intentions, some will be excited for you, and may share more than you wanted to share (without even realizing they've over-shared). I recently met a friend for coffee at my favorite coffee shop. He decided to talk extremely loud and announce to an entire coffee shop that I was expecting. The more attention he got from others, the further he delved in to his charade. Another acquaintance shared personal stories and my blog with my family, because she was excited for me and had forgotten that these things weren't meant to be shared. If anything like this happens to you, do your best to gently practice forgiveness and just be slightly more cautious next time.
Lesson #3. Find your happy spot and go there frequently.
For me, there is nothing more blissful than writing and people watching in a coffee shop. I love being surrounded by a room full of strangers who are each working on their own projects, or sitting beside friends who are each working on their passions. I find inspiration in the eclectic mix of people and activities to delve deeper into my writing and simply to appreciate life. Sometimes people who are expecting might abstain from places like coffee shops to save money. A decaf Americano is just over two bucks and a latte is under $4. Enjoy your favorite treat, let the hours melt away, and consider it self care. If you're into movies, go see some. Take a friend or go alone, if you need 'me' time. It's all about you right now.
Lesson #4. Find a prenatal yoga and pilates class.
I just took my very first prenatal pilates class today, and it was wonderful to be surrounded by women ranging from 16 weeks to 32 weeks whose bodies are all going through the same process. I had been trying to go to my normal gym and take regular pilates and core classes and silently whispering to the instructor at the start of each class that I was pregnant. It is far more comforting to take a class with an instructor, who is trained to support pre-natal women and has devised each pose and stretch accordingly.
Lesson #5. Even when you get frustrated with your significant other, vow to keep communicating. Do so from a place of love, gratitude, and support. If either of you feels attacked or unsupported, you're not likely to respond well. Use "I" statements and steer clear of "you" statements at all times.
My significant other, like all partners, have had our shares of tests and trials throughout the pregnancy. I miss the vibrant, energizer bunny-like woman that I once was. When my boyfriend drives us somewhere in the car, the motion instantly puts me to sleep. During the night, as I struggle to sleep on my left side while balancing on my body pillow, I end up flinging it around and bopping him in the head multiple times. These issues are things that we endearingly laugh at. It's issues like how the integration of a baby will change our lifestyle, what it means to be responsible partners, how to sustain our strong relationship as our lives change that are trickier to navigate. When you don't know where to start in the conversation, delve into a game of twenty questions. It might take a minute for you to find your rhythm, but it will get the dialogue flowing between you, which is important.
Lesson #6. Keep some surprises.
We contemplated several names, but I absolutely fell in love with one. I loved the meaning of it, the strength of the sound of it, and the symbolism of it. To my great surprise, my boyfriend has come to love it. Early in the pregnancy, before we knew our baby's gender and shared possible names with others, we received more unsolicited feedback than I was ready to receive. People told me why other kids in school wouldn't like certain names, that they liked 'American' names (by the way...what the hell is an American name?), etc. Needless to say, when we finally decided, we opted to keep the name to ourselves. Everyone else will be pleasantly surprised in December.
Lesson #7. Always speak your truth with kindness and integrity.
In addition to utilizing Western medicine, I use Ayurveda to help manage my health. My Ayurvedic practitioner believes everyone has a karmic life lesson to learn. She says she believes my life lesson is to learn to voice my truth. Interestingly, since becoming pregnant, I've become well-versed in this. When you're pregnant, you don't have room to carry around bottled up stress. Un-communicated bottled up thoughts equal stress, which isn't good for baby and me. When I was telling my mother about something that bothered me recently, she said 'It's ok honey. You need to have broad shoulders. Don't let that bother you.' She meant totally well, but the truth is that if we don't communicate about our thoughts and feelings, others will never know how you've been impacted and there is no opportunity to create positive change.
Lesson #8. Be positive.
Positivity is contagious. Baby needs your positivity, as much as you do! If you're positive, people around you will likely follow suit.
Lesson #9. Don't make hasty decisions for the sake of appeasing others. Only you know what is right for you and when is right for you.
If you're not married when you become preggers, don't rush into marriage simply to deter others from talking about you. Although my significant other and I definitely hope to build a future together, it's important to me that we take life one step at a time. If we formally decide to institutionalize our relationship, it has to be because that is something that we both feel is right. Recently, I got into a conversation with a 21 year old cousin of my Nepali friend who kindly offered me his advice. "I think it's better if you get married...you're going to be a mother." I politely thanked him for being concerned about me, but let him know that I'd get married when my boyfriend and I think the timing is right, not when anyone else does. As my prenatal counselor always says, "It's 2011. There is no longer one correct template for forming families."
Lesson #10. Put your feet up sometimes.
I've been intentional about walking and staying active. Last week, however, my legs said, "give us a break." I know legs can swell, but I swear to you my legs looked and felt like they were bloated..in the same way my belly is bloated after a huge meal. They ached from the hip flexer all the way down to my ankles. When I e-mailed my doctor again, he said...'yep, it sounds like you're pregnant. put your feet up and hang in there...you've got a long ways to go.' Surprising, doing just that has helped.
Lesson #11. Tune into your cravings, but pace yourself.
My colleague whose a doctor and the father of four children told me it's important to pay attention to what your body craves and allow yourself to have a small serving of that particular food. I think he was hoping that I'd say that I was craving meat. While some people who become vegetarians simply for health purposes may crave meat, that is not an issue I imagine myself dealing with. For me, if it has a face and it can walk, I cannot stomach the idea of eating it. I instead crave things like pickled vegetables, chipotle, yogurt, chocolate and chocolate chex. After eating an entire box of chocolate chex cereal this past weekend, I decided to steer clear of cereal. But, I did indulge in purchasing two bottles of pickled banana peppers, low fat string cheese, yogurt and chocolate. As long as I can force myself to indulge modestly, I should be ok...and you should too.
Lesson #12. Sleep.
I've learned that sleep is not something that can be taken for granted any longer. I'm learning to treat myself to afternoon naps, and to gently forgive myself when I sleep through my workout from time to time. There is always tomorrow. When you're preggers, your body will tell you when enough is enough.
Lesson #3. Find your happy spot and go there frequently.
For me, there is nothing more blissful than writing and people watching in a coffee shop. I love being surrounded by a room full of strangers who are each working on their own projects, or sitting beside friends who are each working on their passions. I find inspiration in the eclectic mix of people and activities to delve deeper into my writing and simply to appreciate life. Sometimes people who are expecting might abstain from places like coffee shops to save money. A decaf Americano is just over two bucks and a latte is under $4. Enjoy your favorite treat, let the hours melt away, and consider it self care. If you're into movies, go see some. Take a friend or go alone, if you need 'me' time. It's all about you right now.
Lesson #4. Find a prenatal yoga and pilates class.
I just took my very first prenatal pilates class today, and it was wonderful to be surrounded by women ranging from 16 weeks to 32 weeks whose bodies are all going through the same process. I had been trying to go to my normal gym and take regular pilates and core classes and silently whispering to the instructor at the start of each class that I was pregnant. It is far more comforting to take a class with an instructor, who is trained to support pre-natal women and has devised each pose and stretch accordingly.
Lesson #5. Even when you get frustrated with your significant other, vow to keep communicating. Do so from a place of love, gratitude, and support. If either of you feels attacked or unsupported, you're not likely to respond well. Use "I" statements and steer clear of "you" statements at all times.
My significant other, like all partners, have had our shares of tests and trials throughout the pregnancy. I miss the vibrant, energizer bunny-like woman that I once was. When my boyfriend drives us somewhere in the car, the motion instantly puts me to sleep. During the night, as I struggle to sleep on my left side while balancing on my body pillow, I end up flinging it around and bopping him in the head multiple times. These issues are things that we endearingly laugh at. It's issues like how the integration of a baby will change our lifestyle, what it means to be responsible partners, how to sustain our strong relationship as our lives change that are trickier to navigate. When you don't know where to start in the conversation, delve into a game of twenty questions. It might take a minute for you to find your rhythm, but it will get the dialogue flowing between you, which is important.
Lesson #6. Keep some surprises.
We contemplated several names, but I absolutely fell in love with one. I loved the meaning of it, the strength of the sound of it, and the symbolism of it. To my great surprise, my boyfriend has come to love it. Early in the pregnancy, before we knew our baby's gender and shared possible names with others, we received more unsolicited feedback than I was ready to receive. People told me why other kids in school wouldn't like certain names, that they liked 'American' names (by the way...what the hell is an American name?), etc. Needless to say, when we finally decided, we opted to keep the name to ourselves. Everyone else will be pleasantly surprised in December.
Lesson #7. Always speak your truth with kindness and integrity.
In addition to utilizing Western medicine, I use Ayurveda to help manage my health. My Ayurvedic practitioner believes everyone has a karmic life lesson to learn. She says she believes my life lesson is to learn to voice my truth. Interestingly, since becoming pregnant, I've become well-versed in this. When you're pregnant, you don't have room to carry around bottled up stress. Un-communicated bottled up thoughts equal stress, which isn't good for baby and me. When I was telling my mother about something that bothered me recently, she said 'It's ok honey. You need to have broad shoulders. Don't let that bother you.' She meant totally well, but the truth is that if we don't communicate about our thoughts and feelings, others will never know how you've been impacted and there is no opportunity to create positive change.
Lesson #8. Be positive.
Positivity is contagious. Baby needs your positivity, as much as you do! If you're positive, people around you will likely follow suit.
Lesson #9. Don't make hasty decisions for the sake of appeasing others. Only you know what is right for you and when is right for you.
If you're not married when you become preggers, don't rush into marriage simply to deter others from talking about you. Although my significant other and I definitely hope to build a future together, it's important to me that we take life one step at a time. If we formally decide to institutionalize our relationship, it has to be because that is something that we both feel is right. Recently, I got into a conversation with a 21 year old cousin of my Nepali friend who kindly offered me his advice. "I think it's better if you get married...you're going to be a mother." I politely thanked him for being concerned about me, but let him know that I'd get married when my boyfriend and I think the timing is right, not when anyone else does. As my prenatal counselor always says, "It's 2011. There is no longer one correct template for forming families."
Lesson #10. Put your feet up sometimes.
I've been intentional about walking and staying active. Last week, however, my legs said, "give us a break." I know legs can swell, but I swear to you my legs looked and felt like they were bloated..in the same way my belly is bloated after a huge meal. They ached from the hip flexer all the way down to my ankles. When I e-mailed my doctor again, he said...'yep, it sounds like you're pregnant. put your feet up and hang in there...you've got a long ways to go.' Surprising, doing just that has helped.
Lesson #11. Tune into your cravings, but pace yourself.
My colleague whose a doctor and the father of four children told me it's important to pay attention to what your body craves and allow yourself to have a small serving of that particular food. I think he was hoping that I'd say that I was craving meat. While some people who become vegetarians simply for health purposes may crave meat, that is not an issue I imagine myself dealing with. For me, if it has a face and it can walk, I cannot stomach the idea of eating it. I instead crave things like pickled vegetables, chipotle, yogurt, chocolate and chocolate chex. After eating an entire box of chocolate chex cereal this past weekend, I decided to steer clear of cereal. But, I did indulge in purchasing two bottles of pickled banana peppers, low fat string cheese, yogurt and chocolate. As long as I can force myself to indulge modestly, I should be ok...and you should too.
Lesson #12. Sleep.
I've learned that sleep is not something that can be taken for granted any longer. I'm learning to treat myself to afternoon naps, and to gently forgive myself when I sleep through my workout from time to time. There is always tomorrow. When you're preggers, your body will tell you when enough is enough.
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