I survived the first, second and third tri-mester, the 39th week and am now in the midst of the 40th week. Our daughter has turned into a wiggle worm, but she is snug and warm in my womb and so far as chosen to stay put:). It is now Christmas Eve, the day that I had mistakenly assumed to be the due date (it was actually two days earlier). The day is still young, so she still could decide to arrive today, but we'll wait and see. What I have noticed this holiday season is an extreme amount of kindness and touching moments lingering in the air. Maybe it's extra transparent, because of my extra pregnant state, but I thought I'd share some of the kind and touching highlights and lessons I was reminded of during my 40th week.
1. Everyone has a story with more depth to it than we might assume.
Last week while getting a pedicure, a white, seemingly upper-class woman in her late sixties came into the salon for a manicure. She brought a Christmas gift for her manicurist and chatted with me while she got her nails done. She asked the regular questions. Is this your first? When are you due? Is it a boy or a girl? Do you have a name? At some point, I turned the conversation. She shared that she had three children and a bunch of grand children. She referred to her current husband and her first one. Soon I learned that her first husband died in a tragic car accident when she was twenty-some weeks pregnant. As I listened to her story, feeling so grateful to have my partner alive and by my side for the pregnancy process. As I was digesting her story, I got a text message from another pregnant mommy that I'd been hanging out with throughout my pregnancy, saying that her contractions were just minutes apart and she was in the hospital waiting for her son to be born. All of a sudden, I found myself sitting in the nail salon with tears of happiness forming at the corner of my eyes.
2. Newborn babies are reminders of what we have to look forward to.
While going into my 39.5 week appointment, I passed a mother and her newborn baby in the waiting room. The sight of the two of them triggered an instant gush of tears. I remember in early pregnancy I was an emotional wreck, in mid-pregnancy, I was smooth sailing, but in extreme late pregnancy I'm filled with overwhelming emotions of happiness. Frankly it's embarrassing sometimes. But, oh well...we'll get through this.
3. Time with old friends is invaluable.
I have two special friends--one is ninety and his wife is just under ninety-one. The man always jokes that his wife robbed the cradle when she got him. This past week, I visited the two of them to discover that they have adopted a new puppy. The two of them looked the most happy and radiant that I have seen them look in weeks. There is something extra special about spending time with people in their last phase of life as I prepare to welcome a baby into the very first phase of life.
4. Strangers can be very kind.
This week while braving the last minute holiday crowds, I made a series of purchases at Target. While I was waiting in life with my over-filled shopping cart, the woman behind me excused herself and walked to the front of the line. "Excuse me," she told the cashier. "I'm going to help load her cart." The woman than looked at me. "I'm so sorry, it took me a minute to see how pregnant you were. If I'd seen you sooner, I would have helped you earlier." I thanked her and told her I'd pay her good deed forward.
5. Everyone needs to know that someone cares about their well-being.
Yesterday when my boyfriend and I went to Kaiser for a delivery q and a session with a midwife, we started out in the standard way. The nurse called me back for preliminary vitals and the dreaded weight check. As the nurse checked my blood pressure, I looked up at her and asked her how her day was going today. The question triggered her. She broke down in tears and said, "not good...I'm trying to get through it, but I'm having a really hard day." We chatted a bit as she walked me to our room, but I could see she was in emotional pain. As we walked out after the appointment, we ran into the nurse again. Just before we exited, she said "Come here" and walked around the counter to meet us. "Let me give you a big hug." She did and she didn't let go for about thirty seconds. She thanked us for our kindness, apologized us for her meltdown and gave us blessings for our soon-to-arrive baby. I told her that sometimes when life feels out of control, we sink to the bottom of a pool before pushing off and then coming up for a fresh breath of air and a fresh start. "You know, that's exactly what I need to do," she said, as she wiped her tears from her eyes. As we walked away, I realized just how fragile we all can be. Sometimes all it takes is one person saying "How are you?" to remind us that we are never alone and that we will get through life's obstacles.
6. Sharing parking spaces is invaluable at this time of the year.
Yesterday after our appointment, we decided that we needed some frozen yogurt. We searched in the parking structure for a good amount of time. Then, a kind man walked out. "I'm right over here. Follow me," he said. He got in his car, opened his window and shouted "Merry Christmas."
7. Family--both biological family and chosen family--are so important.
During pregnancy, I've connected with some fantastic mamas in the making, formed deeper bonds with friends who already have children and with my significant other's sister--who is a friend, a mother and a family member by virtue of my relationship. My own family lives more than a thousand miles away so it's been fantastic to build connections with these friends. I've found that when you connect with others and share the positives of life as well as the struggles you're encountering (particularly with non-judgmental people), you can get through anything. Yesterday, I had an early morning chat with my significant other's sister and we reminded ourselves that sometimes in life it's worth setting aside our pride, letting our guard down and letting ourselves be vulnerable and authentic. The main risk of putting our full selves forward is the fear that others may reject us or not embrace us. But the risk of not doing that is far greater. Thank you for all of the important, reflective discussions:).
8. Always appreciate opportunities to take in the beauty of the world.
I'm grateful for the trip my significant other and I are about to take to Mount Diablo. It is a beautiful day in the Bay and what better way to celebrate our time together and the building of our family.
9. Look at unrealized timelines as lessons in patience.
I'm learning from my Baby girl who was due a few days ago who valuable patience is. Rather than rushing her or feeling impatient with her, we're using this time to get extra prepared for her arrival and to schedule a few extra things together.
10. Be thankful for the kindness you'll encounter today. The day is just beginning. We haven't left the house yet, so it's hard to say what awaits us. But, I have learned enough about life to know that the energy we exude has something to do with the energy that we attract. If we go out into the world feeling positive and determined, we are bound to attract more of that. Merry Christmas!
Many people understand that life doesn't usually go as planned. But, no one understands better than moms. What happens when a mom raises two small children in the most expensive place in the country with her family thousands of miles away? She flies by the seat of her pants while trying to create normalcy and happiness for her children.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Thursday, December 15, 2011
39 Weeks!!!
Wow! Thirty-nine weeks ago, I was celebrating my birthday, sipping a glass of wine at Close Pegas winery and then watching the natural geysers in Calistoga with my significant other. I remember wearing a cute little white dress, gold wedge shoes and a fantastic over-sized gold ring and feeling so petite and cute that day. As I enjoyed the carefree day, I got excited while contemplating what the next year of life had in store for me and for us. I would have never in a million years guessed that thirty-nine weeks later, I'd be almost thirty-five pounds heavier, that I'd be in my second week of maternity leave and that I'd be on the brink of welcoming a baby girl to the world. But, here I am!
I can't remember the last time I experienced a full night of sleep! I've gotten used to mini meals at 4am. My significant other and I have had to adjust from our carefree, go with the flow lifestyles to the reality that by the end of the month we'll be parents and we'll have a small child counting on us. I still do reject the idea that many people from older generations try to push on us--the idea that once our baby enters the world, our lives will effectively be over. (I like to think that in order to be the best parents possible, we need to continue living, learning and growing along with our baby.) I've gone from working everyday, reporting for a radio station on the weekends and writing several evenings a week to spending a significant chunk of my free time with the mama-to-be friends (who are increasingly transitioning into mamas) and squeezing in a field story whenever I have the energy to do so. I've gone from being completely independent to now having my significant other want to join me while I'm covering stories like 'Occupy Oakland.' And rather than feeling hindered or like my independence is being compromised, I love his company. I'm learning everyday how to create space in my life for the blessing that will soon be joining us, how to go from being a fly-by-the-seat of my pants gal to a family woman:). Here's my latest round of discoveries for how to survive the final stage of pregnancy.
1. Don't use your busy schedule as an excuse to dodge your life issues. I was so busy with work and projects and so excited to start my maternity leave, and then when it finally began, I almost had a breakdown. People called me throughout the day and told me to live up my leave time, because my life would never be the same again. All of a sudden, all of the issues with my relationship that I'd put off thinking about because of my busy schedule starred me in the face. I kept the TV on and saw crappy talk shows and I imagined myself to be miserable stay-at-home mom. That night when I went to pick up my significant other from the train station, I greeted him in tears as I let him know that I didn't think I could do this. Like many dads in the pre-birth phase, he was also freaking out, but did so in silence as he spent hours playing games on his computer. That night we ended up talking about all of our hopes, fears and concerns--a conversation that was long overdue. We didn't come up with all of the answers and there are no sure-fire answers, but I felt more like we could find a way to handle this new adventure as a team.
2. Connect with other mommies-to-be and mommies. While taking pre-natal classes, I've managed to connect with some amazing friends who are going through the same life obstacles as me. Last week, I had brunch with two of my pregnant friends--A who was 39 weeks pregnant and F who was 34 weeks pregnant. We share our stories with each other about family pressure, transitioning from working women to women who will be spending significant amounts of time in the domestic front for at least a period of time, exchange stories about the bloopers we are experiencing with our significant others as we get ready for life changes, and more. You might find that many of your non-pregnant, childless friends are a little freaked out by your situation and aren't quite sure how to integrate you into plans anymore. Rather than resisting that or feeling hurt about it, go with it and accept that life changes. Lean on friends who are going through similar life experiences.
3. Read Amy Richard's 'Opting In.' Amy is a fantastic author who explores the issue of how woman can opt into motherhood without giving up on their own goals, dreams, visions and careers (if that's what they choose to do). She's a strong feminist, a significant other, an activist, an author and a mom to two children. There are so many narrow messages out there about what it means to be a 'proper mom' that I think it's imperative to hear from women like Amy with a wider view of the complexities of motherhood and balance.
4. Bring lunch to new moms. Last week, my pregnant friends F and A brought lunch to our classmate from prenatal yoga who gave birth to a small baby a few weeks ahead of schedule. Prior to being pregnant and taking classes about pregnancy and how to treat new moms, I was likely a terrible visitor. I've learned that when you visit a new mom, there's nothing more important than being prepared to pitch in. Bring a meal, offer to hold her baby so she can take a breath or eat her meal. Whatever you do, don't expect her to take care of you:).
5. Be flexible with your plans. My baby is due in a week, but the last two weeks have showed zero progress in dialation. On my last visit, he let me know that my daughter may be dropping in on us a little bit later than expected. He offered tips for how to get her to arrive naturally in a timely manner without drugs like petocin or without a c-section, so I'll try those.
6. Stay active. My doctor advised me to walk everyday as if it's my job and then tongue in cheek, he suggested sex as a good way to keep everything moving along in a timely manner. In late pregnancy, both of those things can be challenging. Just as laying down, sitting or standing becomes uncomfortable, walking can be slightly uncomfortable and sex can seem more complicated than it's worth. But, my doc says it's good for your baby, for your body and for your relationship. Communicate with your partner. He can keep you company on your walks and together you can find your new rhythm for intimacy as well.
7, Make a daily to-do list. Think about things you'd like to accomplish each day and make a list. The list shouldn't just be house keeping projects, it should include things like exercise, time to touch base with friends, projects or hobbies you've been meaning to work on and for fun, throw in a few tasks that you've been meaning to take care of. Whatever you do, don't just vege out in front of the TV for the entire day.
8. Try your hand at a few new recipes or dinner creations and dine with your significant other whenever possible. This is your time. Explore some healthy, but delicious options for dining. Cook and dine together whenever possible. Don't eat in front of the TV. Use meal time as another time to connect.
9. Communicate your boundaries and needs in a kind and respectful way. By virtue of carrying babies for nine-months, we're more connected to our babies and our needs as mothers than anyone else. While it's true that we didn't get pregnant by ourselves, there's no way for anyone--even our baby daddies--to know exactly what we need. If what you need is to have dad close by out of the reality that you fear going into labor alone, gently let him know. I've learned that others cannot read our minds. State what you need ahead of time to give dad an opportunity to understand and respond. Speak from the 'I' and be kind. Saying 'I'd really like you to be near me right now in case something happens' sounds much better than saying 'If you drink too much, don't come home tonight.' I made the mistake of saying the latter. My significant other immediately turned down his invitation from his friends, but I felt horrible. I felt so bad that I left the house, so he could go out without feeling bad. He ended up staying home and by the time I got home, I had terrible abdominal pain and we were afraid that stress would send me into labor. The moral of the story is be kind and direct. You want your partner to make decisions because they are good for the family...not because you guilt-tripped him.
10. Keep having date nights and date afternoons. In order to build a strong family together, you need a strong base. If your relationship suffers, it's difficult for the two of you to serve as a base for building a unified family on. Take time for each other. Communicate. Breath. Have fun. Laugh at mistakes. Be patient.
I can't remember the last time I experienced a full night of sleep! I've gotten used to mini meals at 4am. My significant other and I have had to adjust from our carefree, go with the flow lifestyles to the reality that by the end of the month we'll be parents and we'll have a small child counting on us. I still do reject the idea that many people from older generations try to push on us--the idea that once our baby enters the world, our lives will effectively be over. (I like to think that in order to be the best parents possible, we need to continue living, learning and growing along with our baby.) I've gone from working everyday, reporting for a radio station on the weekends and writing several evenings a week to spending a significant chunk of my free time with the mama-to-be friends (who are increasingly transitioning into mamas) and squeezing in a field story whenever I have the energy to do so. I've gone from being completely independent to now having my significant other want to join me while I'm covering stories like 'Occupy Oakland.' And rather than feeling hindered or like my independence is being compromised, I love his company. I'm learning everyday how to create space in my life for the blessing that will soon be joining us, how to go from being a fly-by-the-seat of my pants gal to a family woman:). Here's my latest round of discoveries for how to survive the final stage of pregnancy.
1. Don't use your busy schedule as an excuse to dodge your life issues. I was so busy with work and projects and so excited to start my maternity leave, and then when it finally began, I almost had a breakdown. People called me throughout the day and told me to live up my leave time, because my life would never be the same again. All of a sudden, all of the issues with my relationship that I'd put off thinking about because of my busy schedule starred me in the face. I kept the TV on and saw crappy talk shows and I imagined myself to be miserable stay-at-home mom. That night when I went to pick up my significant other from the train station, I greeted him in tears as I let him know that I didn't think I could do this. Like many dads in the pre-birth phase, he was also freaking out, but did so in silence as he spent hours playing games on his computer. That night we ended up talking about all of our hopes, fears and concerns--a conversation that was long overdue. We didn't come up with all of the answers and there are no sure-fire answers, but I felt more like we could find a way to handle this new adventure as a team.
2. Connect with other mommies-to-be and mommies. While taking pre-natal classes, I've managed to connect with some amazing friends who are going through the same life obstacles as me. Last week, I had brunch with two of my pregnant friends--A who was 39 weeks pregnant and F who was 34 weeks pregnant. We share our stories with each other about family pressure, transitioning from working women to women who will be spending significant amounts of time in the domestic front for at least a period of time, exchange stories about the bloopers we are experiencing with our significant others as we get ready for life changes, and more. You might find that many of your non-pregnant, childless friends are a little freaked out by your situation and aren't quite sure how to integrate you into plans anymore. Rather than resisting that or feeling hurt about it, go with it and accept that life changes. Lean on friends who are going through similar life experiences.
3. Read Amy Richard's 'Opting In.' Amy is a fantastic author who explores the issue of how woman can opt into motherhood without giving up on their own goals, dreams, visions and careers (if that's what they choose to do). She's a strong feminist, a significant other, an activist, an author and a mom to two children. There are so many narrow messages out there about what it means to be a 'proper mom' that I think it's imperative to hear from women like Amy with a wider view of the complexities of motherhood and balance.
4. Bring lunch to new moms. Last week, my pregnant friends F and A brought lunch to our classmate from prenatal yoga who gave birth to a small baby a few weeks ahead of schedule. Prior to being pregnant and taking classes about pregnancy and how to treat new moms, I was likely a terrible visitor. I've learned that when you visit a new mom, there's nothing more important than being prepared to pitch in. Bring a meal, offer to hold her baby so she can take a breath or eat her meal. Whatever you do, don't expect her to take care of you:).
5. Be flexible with your plans. My baby is due in a week, but the last two weeks have showed zero progress in dialation. On my last visit, he let me know that my daughter may be dropping in on us a little bit later than expected. He offered tips for how to get her to arrive naturally in a timely manner without drugs like petocin or without a c-section, so I'll try those.
6. Stay active. My doctor advised me to walk everyday as if it's my job and then tongue in cheek, he suggested sex as a good way to keep everything moving along in a timely manner. In late pregnancy, both of those things can be challenging. Just as laying down, sitting or standing becomes uncomfortable, walking can be slightly uncomfortable and sex can seem more complicated than it's worth. But, my doc says it's good for your baby, for your body and for your relationship. Communicate with your partner. He can keep you company on your walks and together you can find your new rhythm for intimacy as well.
7, Make a daily to-do list. Think about things you'd like to accomplish each day and make a list. The list shouldn't just be house keeping projects, it should include things like exercise, time to touch base with friends, projects or hobbies you've been meaning to work on and for fun, throw in a few tasks that you've been meaning to take care of. Whatever you do, don't just vege out in front of the TV for the entire day.
8. Try your hand at a few new recipes or dinner creations and dine with your significant other whenever possible. This is your time. Explore some healthy, but delicious options for dining. Cook and dine together whenever possible. Don't eat in front of the TV. Use meal time as another time to connect.
9. Communicate your boundaries and needs in a kind and respectful way. By virtue of carrying babies for nine-months, we're more connected to our babies and our needs as mothers than anyone else. While it's true that we didn't get pregnant by ourselves, there's no way for anyone--even our baby daddies--to know exactly what we need. If what you need is to have dad close by out of the reality that you fear going into labor alone, gently let him know. I've learned that others cannot read our minds. State what you need ahead of time to give dad an opportunity to understand and respond. Speak from the 'I' and be kind. Saying 'I'd really like you to be near me right now in case something happens' sounds much better than saying 'If you drink too much, don't come home tonight.' I made the mistake of saying the latter. My significant other immediately turned down his invitation from his friends, but I felt horrible. I felt so bad that I left the house, so he could go out without feeling bad. He ended up staying home and by the time I got home, I had terrible abdominal pain and we were afraid that stress would send me into labor. The moral of the story is be kind and direct. You want your partner to make decisions because they are good for the family...not because you guilt-tripped him.
10. Keep having date nights and date afternoons. In order to build a strong family together, you need a strong base. If your relationship suffers, it's difficult for the two of you to serve as a base for building a unified family on. Take time for each other. Communicate. Breath. Have fun. Laugh at mistakes. Be patient.
Monday, October 31, 2011
31 Weeks and Counting
Dear Baby,
If there's one thing that pregnancy has taught me, it is that there are few things in life that we have control of and if there is something that it confirms, it is that few things in life go according to plans. Tonight is your papa's birthday..I think it'll be a lucky birthday because he's turning 34 (and the two digits add up to seven). It was my dream to pull together his closest friends and family and put them all in one place to set their differences aside and enjoy his special day. It didn't quite work out that way. As it turns out, adults sometimes have a much harder time forgiving each other and setting aside their differences than children do. When we are young, we fall down and get back up and try again. As we get older, we sometimes lose our courage to get back up and try again. If there is one hope that I have for you, it is that you will never give up on getting back up and trying again no matter how many times you fall or how hard life may seem. It's exhausting at times, but it makes life worth living and it will keep you young.
These days, I feel you and see you moving inside of me. It is an incredible feeling and hard to imagine that in nine short weeks, you'll be here with us. When I was baby, I wanted to come out feet first, perhaps to hit the ground running. Guess what...so far, you're following your mama's pattern. I always planned for a natural childbirth, but you are teaching me to let go. If you choose to turn over prior to mama's delivery date, we'll go for the natural birth. If not, we'll do what doctor's say is safest. Letting go is just one of the many lessons you have taught your mama and papa prior to your arrival, there are many more. Here are a few of the things that you've taught us and that we know we need to focus on in preparation for your arrival.
1. Focus on taking care of our family first. We have learned that we have little or no control over the way that other people act. If some family members choose not to talk to each other or have conflicts amongst themselves, we have to accept the fact that we can't change them. All we can do is make sure that we are a strong family unit and treat others well. Everyone else will work out their own struggles when and if they are ready.
2. Take time for daily exercise and kegels. By taking time out of our busy lives to exercise and also to do those darn kegels, we are paving the way for you to enter the world.
3. Let go. Mama's prenatal counselor suggested having a surrender box and writing and inserting all of life's worries and sources of anxiety inside. This helps us cope with life's variables that are out of our control and can give us the patience necessary to deal with what we have to deal with.
4. Take time to write or engage in a passion every day. Mama has a book in the works that she'd love to arrive around the same time that you arrive. Papa has a project in the works that he says is a surprise. We'll make an effort to spend some time working on both of those things a little bit everyday.
5. Sleep. You've reminded us that sleep is an invaluable commodity. It's true..mama frequently wakes up in need of a snack at 4:30am and to go to the bathroom multiple times a night, but you've helped remind her that sleep is necessary and have taught her how to take naps.
6. Do arm exercises. We've learned that in order to be prepared for carrying you around, we need to be strong. For that reason, both mama and papa will make an effort to do some strength exercises each day.
7. Meditate. The more relaxed mom and dad are, the better you will feel. Mama will continue taking a meditative walk several times each week and taking some down time to listen to music. She'll convince papa to sing and play music on his guitar each week to help us relax as well.
8. Get organized. As you prepare to join us, we are doing our best to get organized and to make space for you in our lives literally and figuratively. We don't have it figured out yet, but we're committed to making every effort to learn as we go.
9. Budget. After being on our own for such a long time, we've decided to start a joint bank account that we both contribute to and developing a budget to make sure we are prepared for taking care of our family. This means that your parents are learning to be moderate with dining out habits, coffee consumption and to be more budget friendly with outings.
10. Stay committed. We already know that we have a learning curve for preparing to be parents. We will undoubtedly make mistakes, but we promise that no matter how challenging things get, we will be here for you and will continue to live, learn and grow along with you.
If there's one thing that pregnancy has taught me, it is that there are few things in life that we have control of and if there is something that it confirms, it is that few things in life go according to plans. Tonight is your papa's birthday..I think it'll be a lucky birthday because he's turning 34 (and the two digits add up to seven). It was my dream to pull together his closest friends and family and put them all in one place to set their differences aside and enjoy his special day. It didn't quite work out that way. As it turns out, adults sometimes have a much harder time forgiving each other and setting aside their differences than children do. When we are young, we fall down and get back up and try again. As we get older, we sometimes lose our courage to get back up and try again. If there is one hope that I have for you, it is that you will never give up on getting back up and trying again no matter how many times you fall or how hard life may seem. It's exhausting at times, but it makes life worth living and it will keep you young.
These days, I feel you and see you moving inside of me. It is an incredible feeling and hard to imagine that in nine short weeks, you'll be here with us. When I was baby, I wanted to come out feet first, perhaps to hit the ground running. Guess what...so far, you're following your mama's pattern. I always planned for a natural childbirth, but you are teaching me to let go. If you choose to turn over prior to mama's delivery date, we'll go for the natural birth. If not, we'll do what doctor's say is safest. Letting go is just one of the many lessons you have taught your mama and papa prior to your arrival, there are many more. Here are a few of the things that you've taught us and that we know we need to focus on in preparation for your arrival.
1. Focus on taking care of our family first. We have learned that we have little or no control over the way that other people act. If some family members choose not to talk to each other or have conflicts amongst themselves, we have to accept the fact that we can't change them. All we can do is make sure that we are a strong family unit and treat others well. Everyone else will work out their own struggles when and if they are ready.
2. Take time for daily exercise and kegels. By taking time out of our busy lives to exercise and also to do those darn kegels, we are paving the way for you to enter the world.
3. Let go. Mama's prenatal counselor suggested having a surrender box and writing and inserting all of life's worries and sources of anxiety inside. This helps us cope with life's variables that are out of our control and can give us the patience necessary to deal with what we have to deal with.
4. Take time to write or engage in a passion every day. Mama has a book in the works that she'd love to arrive around the same time that you arrive. Papa has a project in the works that he says is a surprise. We'll make an effort to spend some time working on both of those things a little bit everyday.
5. Sleep. You've reminded us that sleep is an invaluable commodity. It's true..mama frequently wakes up in need of a snack at 4:30am and to go to the bathroom multiple times a night, but you've helped remind her that sleep is necessary and have taught her how to take naps.
6. Do arm exercises. We've learned that in order to be prepared for carrying you around, we need to be strong. For that reason, both mama and papa will make an effort to do some strength exercises each day.
7. Meditate. The more relaxed mom and dad are, the better you will feel. Mama will continue taking a meditative walk several times each week and taking some down time to listen to music. She'll convince papa to sing and play music on his guitar each week to help us relax as well.
8. Get organized. As you prepare to join us, we are doing our best to get organized and to make space for you in our lives literally and figuratively. We don't have it figured out yet, but we're committed to making every effort to learn as we go.
9. Budget. After being on our own for such a long time, we've decided to start a joint bank account that we both contribute to and developing a budget to make sure we are prepared for taking care of our family. This means that your parents are learning to be moderate with dining out habits, coffee consumption and to be more budget friendly with outings.
10. Stay committed. We already know that we have a learning curve for preparing to be parents. We will undoubtedly make mistakes, but we promise that no matter how challenging things get, we will be here for you and will continue to live, learn and grow along with you.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Tests and Lessons from the Universe!
Sometimes life tests us more than we ever would have bargained for. We stay strong for the sake of ourselves and, for those of us who are pregnant, for the sake of our unborn babies. But every once in a while, we reach our breaking point and get teary-eyed while we're sitting in Starbucks writing a blog:). It's days like this when we need to remind ourselves what we're thankful for, and assure both ourselves and our unborn babies that everything's gonna be alright. For that reason, this blog is dedicated to my baby.
Dear Baby,
It's amazing to know that in less than fourteen weeks, you will be here! My ayurvedic doctor believes that baby's choose their parents and we are so happy that you choose us. There is so much to teach you about the world, but you have already taught us so much. Here are some lessons that I want to share with you.
Life is what happens when you are making other plans.
In life, very few things go according to plan. Rather than getting upset when things don't work out as you'd hoped or expecting life to adjust to you, it's better to adjust to life. You were a surprise for us, but even before you've arrived, you've made our lives better. As we prepare to meet you in person, we are learning how to be the best possible people we can be, how to find our voices so we can do our part to make the world a better place for you to come to.
No matter how hard life pushes you, never forget what you are grateful for.
In the past month, you have experienced a car accident (which resulted in mom's car getting totaled). You have moved out of your apartment and into a hotel with me, because there was toxic mold in our home. Because I am carrying you, I had the strength to insist that our home be properly inspected for the sake of both of us. I don't care that I've lost my car or that I'm living in a hotel room, I care that you are safe and healthy. Thank you for letting me know you are safe and healthy with your kicks and movements. Right now, you are feet first. Doctors called that the 'breached' position, but I call that the desire to hit the ground running like your mom. I'm guessing by the time you're ready to come out, you'll flip around so that you can be born in a natural way. But, we will welcome you to the world anyway you'd like to arrive. I'm grateful that before long, your papa, you and me will begin our lives together.
Be willing to change.
Sometimes in life, we have to prioritize and make changes. Before you joined me, I traveled the entire world on a shoestring budget and your dad also enjoyed a bachelor's lifestyle. Now, I'm taking a break from traveling to prepare from you, and your dad is working on making some changes in his life too so that we'll be ready to move forward as a family. As you go through life and you are making choices, always ask yourself: 'Am I being the best possible version of me that I possibly can be?' 'Do I have any goals or dreams that I haven't met or tried to reach?' 'What is in my way and what can I do differently?' Always come back to those questions to center yourself.
You have all the answers inside of you.
Sometimes we tend to doubt ourselves and let the voices of other people outweigh our inner voice or that feeling we get inside of our stomach that tells us what is best for us. Process with other people, but always trust your instinct.
If you have a problem, own it and seek out support.
Everyone has problems, but often people feel too ashamed or afraid of appearing weak or getting judged. You will learn that nobody judges you more harshly than you will judge yourself. Be grateful for having the courage and strength to own your problems and seek out support. It will be a freeing experience.
Always put yourself first.
Sometimes people will tell you that thinking about yourself before others is selfish. Never listen to them. The stronger you are, the healthier you are and the better you feel, the more you will have to offer the world.
Always know that you are loved.
The second I heard your heartbeat, I loved you and knew I'd do everything in my power to give you a good life. I can't see you as clearly as your dad can during ultrasounds, but I know that the minute your dad saw you, he loved you.
You are in charge of your own destiny.
Life is way less about what happens to you than it is about the way you respond to it. Choose to have a fantastic, 'can-do' attitude and you will go far in life and likely be a happy little girl. You dad and I have strategically chosen a strong name for you, inspired in part by both of your grandmothers that will remind you to never lose hope.
Finally, only surround yourself with people who are kind to you and people will not hold you back when you have an opportunity to grow and flourish. Life is too short to do anything other than that.
Thank you for choosing us! We will see you soon!
Love,
Mom
Dear Baby,
It's amazing to know that in less than fourteen weeks, you will be here! My ayurvedic doctor believes that baby's choose their parents and we are so happy that you choose us. There is so much to teach you about the world, but you have already taught us so much. Here are some lessons that I want to share with you.
Life is what happens when you are making other plans.
In life, very few things go according to plan. Rather than getting upset when things don't work out as you'd hoped or expecting life to adjust to you, it's better to adjust to life. You were a surprise for us, but even before you've arrived, you've made our lives better. As we prepare to meet you in person, we are learning how to be the best possible people we can be, how to find our voices so we can do our part to make the world a better place for you to come to.
No matter how hard life pushes you, never forget what you are grateful for.
In the past month, you have experienced a car accident (which resulted in mom's car getting totaled). You have moved out of your apartment and into a hotel with me, because there was toxic mold in our home. Because I am carrying you, I had the strength to insist that our home be properly inspected for the sake of both of us. I don't care that I've lost my car or that I'm living in a hotel room, I care that you are safe and healthy. Thank you for letting me know you are safe and healthy with your kicks and movements. Right now, you are feet first. Doctors called that the 'breached' position, but I call that the desire to hit the ground running like your mom. I'm guessing by the time you're ready to come out, you'll flip around so that you can be born in a natural way. But, we will welcome you to the world anyway you'd like to arrive. I'm grateful that before long, your papa, you and me will begin our lives together.
Be willing to change.
Sometimes in life, we have to prioritize and make changes. Before you joined me, I traveled the entire world on a shoestring budget and your dad also enjoyed a bachelor's lifestyle. Now, I'm taking a break from traveling to prepare from you, and your dad is working on making some changes in his life too so that we'll be ready to move forward as a family. As you go through life and you are making choices, always ask yourself: 'Am I being the best possible version of me that I possibly can be?' 'Do I have any goals or dreams that I haven't met or tried to reach?' 'What is in my way and what can I do differently?' Always come back to those questions to center yourself.
You have all the answers inside of you.
Sometimes we tend to doubt ourselves and let the voices of other people outweigh our inner voice or that feeling we get inside of our stomach that tells us what is best for us. Process with other people, but always trust your instinct.
If you have a problem, own it and seek out support.
Everyone has problems, but often people feel too ashamed or afraid of appearing weak or getting judged. You will learn that nobody judges you more harshly than you will judge yourself. Be grateful for having the courage and strength to own your problems and seek out support. It will be a freeing experience.
Always put yourself first.
Sometimes people will tell you that thinking about yourself before others is selfish. Never listen to them. The stronger you are, the healthier you are and the better you feel, the more you will have to offer the world.
Always know that you are loved.
The second I heard your heartbeat, I loved you and knew I'd do everything in my power to give you a good life. I can't see you as clearly as your dad can during ultrasounds, but I know that the minute your dad saw you, he loved you.
You are in charge of your own destiny.
Life is way less about what happens to you than it is about the way you respond to it. Choose to have a fantastic, 'can-do' attitude and you will go far in life and likely be a happy little girl. You dad and I have strategically chosen a strong name for you, inspired in part by both of your grandmothers that will remind you to never lose hope.
Finally, only surround yourself with people who are kind to you and people will not hold you back when you have an opportunity to grow and flourish. Life is too short to do anything other than that.
Thank you for choosing us! We will see you soon!
Love,
Mom
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Coping with Unsolicited Advice & Loaded Questions
It's amazing how much advice you'll find that people have for you when you're pregnant. Sometimes it comes out in a straightforward manner and other times it comes out through sarcasm, loaded questions and implied craziness. Here are some of my 'favorites.'
1. "What??? You're going to have what kind of birth? You're not having an epidural!? Are you nuts?"
About half of all babies born in the United States are born to a mother who has had an epidural, which means that almost half are born to mothers who haven't had epidurals. I have quite a few friends who've given birth naturally or with the help of a non-invasive pain killer and a handful who've had epidurals. I think the way that we choose to bring our off-spring into the world is incredibly personal. My pilates instructor opted for an epidural after hours and hours of labor, which was a perfect choice for her. My friend in Australia made it to the hospital eighteen minutes before her baby was born and swears by giving birth the natural way. Another friend had a water birth in her own home, which was perfect for her. The bottom line is that only you know which method is right for you. In my case, I manage my health through Western and Ayurvedic medicine/holistic practices, so I am planning to go as natural as possible. In response to the people who question why anyone in their right mind would forego an epidural...
*It's personal. I'm not having one, but you can if you'd like to when you have you're baby. If you had one when you gave birth, don't judge me for not having one.
*On the medical side, there is risk of having a sudden drop in blood pressure and a severe headache caused by leaking of spinal fluid, shivering, ringing of the ears, a backache, soreness where needle is inserted, nausea and difficulty urinating.
*Pushing become more difficult, making it necessary to add meds such as Pitocin or to utilize a vacuum extraction or a cesarian for the actual birth.
*The lower half of your body is numb for a few hours after the birth and some babies have a hard time latching on for breast feeding.
*Permanent nerve damage can occur.
*Oh, and lastly, there has been a slight increase in deaths associated with epidurals since the mid 1990s. (It is rare that this would happen and it shouldn't deter you from having an epidural if that is what you feel is right for you, but again..it's such a personal area. So if someone is doing something different than you, opt to respect that.)
2. "Now that you're having your baby, your life is over..so get ready!"
I refuse to believe that my life ends when my child's life begins. Instead, I think it's more imperative than ever that parents continue to live, learn and grow along with their babies. There's no need to give up your hobbies or give up on a dream that you had..it might simply be necessary to tweak and prioritize. If you were a big partier before your baby was born, it's probably a really good time to trade in that habit. But, for the sake of you and your child, make sure not to assume that your life is over.
3. "Are you going to make your baby be a vegetarian?"
God, I hate this question. I'll always prepare high-protein foods for my family. If my significant other would like to prepare meat for himself and the baby, I certainly will not stop him.
4. "You're vegetarian!?? Are you getting enough protein?" an old lady sitting beside me on a plane barked at me.
Yes! There are tons of ways to get protein..nuts, beans, lentils, cheese and the list goes on.
5. "Now that you're pregnant, don't be surprised when you start craving meat. And when you do, make sure you eat it, your body is craving that for a reason."
Now that I'm pregnant, I crave more chipotle, Indian buffet and chocolate than before, but never do I crave meat. I am sure that some people, who avoid meat simply because of health, might crave it. In my case, if it has a face and it walks, I can absolutely not eat it and there is no chance that I will crave it.
6. "Don't be afraid to let yourself be vulnerable and be a stay-at-home mom."
I have absolute respect for women who choose to be stay-at-home moms, but that is not something within the realm of consideration for me. I love the work that I do and I am a multi-faceted woman. I believe that I can be a mom and a professional at the same time. At a practical level, although I'm not afraid to be emotionally vulnerable, I wouldn't allow myself to be fiscally vulnerable as an unwed mother.
7. "You're pregnant!? How did that happen?" asked one of my students as his face turned bright red.
Ummm...the regular way. Even though it is 2011 and close to half of all babies born in the U.S. are born to unwed parents, even the most liberal people are sometimes thrown off by the thought of an unwed pregnant woman.
8. "You better get organized and start buying stuff for your baby. You can't do this (parent) the way you run your own life. You can't be in the hospital giving birth and then send your friend to a department store to pick up stuff for you. You can't fly by the seat of your pants!"
First of all, everybody and their mother is buying stuff for my baby, which I totally appreciate. Second, when I was a single woman, it wasn't an issue to fly by the seat of my pants a bit. I could decide on Friday that I wanted to travel and do it because nobody depended on me. When I have a child and a partner in the mix, of course, I'm operating out of a different frame of mind.
9. "You're planning to breastfeed? Maybe you should do a mix of formula and breast milk so that your significant other can help more in the night time," offered up a friend who doesn't have kids.
Ummm, thank you. Let me know how this goes for you after you have a baby. Otherwise, I'll also have to work with my baby to find her rhythm.
10. "Be careful with the name you choose. You don't want kids to make fun of it at school. That name is too long. Choose at least two names, in case you want to rename the baby after she is born."
Thank you. The name is a surprise. We will definitely not change our mind, but I just nod and smile when I get the name advice. If you have family members or friends who will shower you with advice about the name, consider keeping it completely private. Once the bundle of joy arrives and is already named, they'll have no choice but to love your baby regardless of what her or his name is.
1. "What??? You're going to have what kind of birth? You're not having an epidural!? Are you nuts?"
About half of all babies born in the United States are born to a mother who has had an epidural, which means that almost half are born to mothers who haven't had epidurals. I have quite a few friends who've given birth naturally or with the help of a non-invasive pain killer and a handful who've had epidurals. I think the way that we choose to bring our off-spring into the world is incredibly personal. My pilates instructor opted for an epidural after hours and hours of labor, which was a perfect choice for her. My friend in Australia made it to the hospital eighteen minutes before her baby was born and swears by giving birth the natural way. Another friend had a water birth in her own home, which was perfect for her. The bottom line is that only you know which method is right for you. In my case, I manage my health through Western and Ayurvedic medicine/holistic practices, so I am planning to go as natural as possible. In response to the people who question why anyone in their right mind would forego an epidural...
*It's personal. I'm not having one, but you can if you'd like to when you have you're baby. If you had one when you gave birth, don't judge me for not having one.
*On the medical side, there is risk of having a sudden drop in blood pressure and a severe headache caused by leaking of spinal fluid, shivering, ringing of the ears, a backache, soreness where needle is inserted, nausea and difficulty urinating.
*Pushing become more difficult, making it necessary to add meds such as Pitocin or to utilize a vacuum extraction or a cesarian for the actual birth.
*The lower half of your body is numb for a few hours after the birth and some babies have a hard time latching on for breast feeding.
*Permanent nerve damage can occur.
*Oh, and lastly, there has been a slight increase in deaths associated with epidurals since the mid 1990s. (It is rare that this would happen and it shouldn't deter you from having an epidural if that is what you feel is right for you, but again..it's such a personal area. So if someone is doing something different than you, opt to respect that.)
2. "Now that you're having your baby, your life is over..so get ready!"
I refuse to believe that my life ends when my child's life begins. Instead, I think it's more imperative than ever that parents continue to live, learn and grow along with their babies. There's no need to give up your hobbies or give up on a dream that you had..it might simply be necessary to tweak and prioritize. If you were a big partier before your baby was born, it's probably a really good time to trade in that habit. But, for the sake of you and your child, make sure not to assume that your life is over.
3. "Are you going to make your baby be a vegetarian?"
God, I hate this question. I'll always prepare high-protein foods for my family. If my significant other would like to prepare meat for himself and the baby, I certainly will not stop him.
4. "You're vegetarian!?? Are you getting enough protein?" an old lady sitting beside me on a plane barked at me.
Yes! There are tons of ways to get protein..nuts, beans, lentils, cheese and the list goes on.
5. "Now that you're pregnant, don't be surprised when you start craving meat. And when you do, make sure you eat it, your body is craving that for a reason."
Now that I'm pregnant, I crave more chipotle, Indian buffet and chocolate than before, but never do I crave meat. I am sure that some people, who avoid meat simply because of health, might crave it. In my case, if it has a face and it walks, I can absolutely not eat it and there is no chance that I will crave it.
6. "Don't be afraid to let yourself be vulnerable and be a stay-at-home mom."
I have absolute respect for women who choose to be stay-at-home moms, but that is not something within the realm of consideration for me. I love the work that I do and I am a multi-faceted woman. I believe that I can be a mom and a professional at the same time. At a practical level, although I'm not afraid to be emotionally vulnerable, I wouldn't allow myself to be fiscally vulnerable as an unwed mother.
7. "You're pregnant!? How did that happen?" asked one of my students as his face turned bright red.
Ummm...the regular way. Even though it is 2011 and close to half of all babies born in the U.S. are born to unwed parents, even the most liberal people are sometimes thrown off by the thought of an unwed pregnant woman.
8. "You better get organized and start buying stuff for your baby. You can't do this (parent) the way you run your own life. You can't be in the hospital giving birth and then send your friend to a department store to pick up stuff for you. You can't fly by the seat of your pants!"
First of all, everybody and their mother is buying stuff for my baby, which I totally appreciate. Second, when I was a single woman, it wasn't an issue to fly by the seat of my pants a bit. I could decide on Friday that I wanted to travel and do it because nobody depended on me. When I have a child and a partner in the mix, of course, I'm operating out of a different frame of mind.
9. "You're planning to breastfeed? Maybe you should do a mix of formula and breast milk so that your significant other can help more in the night time," offered up a friend who doesn't have kids.
Ummm, thank you. Let me know how this goes for you after you have a baby. Otherwise, I'll also have to work with my baby to find her rhythm.
10. "Be careful with the name you choose. You don't want kids to make fun of it at school. That name is too long. Choose at least two names, in case you want to rename the baby after she is born."
Thank you. The name is a surprise. We will definitely not change our mind, but I just nod and smile when I get the name advice. If you have family members or friends who will shower you with advice about the name, consider keeping it completely private. Once the bundle of joy arrives and is already named, they'll have no choice but to love your baby regardless of what her or his name is.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Gratitude--Recipe for a Successful Prenatal Relationship
Managing relationships while pregnant or even when you're not pregnant is somewhat like mastering a recipe. You figure out what works and what doesn't work, what you can do to make the experience even more delicious and flavorful, and the more you practice, the better it gets. In my relationship, the key ingredients are two willing spirits, a sense of humor, communication, forgiveness, a desire to grow, gratitude, reciprocity, and patience!
I've heard that getting pregnant when you have all of your ducks completely in a row (although I'm wondering who, other than perhaps the Duggar family who has an entire army of children and is always preparing for the next one, really has their ducks in a row). When you learn that you are expecting before you were expecting to be expecting, it's a whole different ball game. All of a sudden, some behaviors that seemed fine or tolerable when it was just the two of you, need to be tidied up. Us mothers have a baby growing inside of us so our bodies and babies demand that we start taking care of them in every way possible. Our energy evaporates and we need to rely more than ever on either our support system or on our significant others. I have heard a few stories of relationships that ended right before or after a mother was impregnated...and I have a huge sense of empathy for those women. In my relationship, as my significant other and I were navigating what parenthood meant for our relationship and figuring out which behaviors needed to be tidied up, we went through a whirlwind of emotions, debates, sometimes small arguments, and some occasional crying. Being the independent woman that I am, I would sometimes say, "I can do this alone," when things got heated or difficult. And while I probably could do that if I absolutely had to, the truth is that I want to do this as a team. By this, I mean the whole thing, my relationship and the raising of our daughter. Some men, when pressed or pressured might say, "F*** it, do it alone then." My man, however is not among them and I am grateful.
Since getting pregnant, I've become really skilled at voicing my authentic truth. Sometimes it boils down to, "When you do or say X, I'm impacted in this way. I'm not willing to co-parent with someone who does or says X." Mind you, I don't have any friends who haven't found some issue to address with their partners during pregnancy. I love the way that my dear colleague phrased it. She'd explain to her partner that she wanted him to tidy up some behaviors or be more present and she wanted him to do it, because he knew it was the right thing to do as a parent. And then, she'd back off and let him navigate, digest and find his way. My pilates instructor gives her boyfriend and baby daddy feedback about what she needs from him from a place of gratitude. I know other people who use other strategies or simply don't communicate at all, but I really think the prior two examples are fair ways to communicate with a partner. At one point, after sharing some concerns with my boyfriend, he changed his behavior but became really resentful with me. It's sometimes easier for humans to externalize the issue at hand than look within. He stopped playing music for me, stopped offering back massages, stopped doing all of the kind things that made him into the man that I fell in love with. I felt like he was punishing me. A week into this, I couldn't take it anymore. I had a heart-to-heart with him and told him that I could feel his resentment and also let him know that it was completely optional to be with me, that he could always opt out if he wanted to. That is when he shared that he was struggling with all of the changes he was making and revealed that he was still digesting and making sense of everything. I was fine with him digesting and making sense of stuff, but I wasn't fine experiencing, what felt like, anger and resentment.
I don't know why, but having the conversation and making the space for each of us to state our truth seems to have shifted our relationship for the better. We are perfecting the recipe for our relationship. We are learning to communicate and to co-navigate life as teammates. Since our conversation, he gradually began picking up his guitar again. He started offering massages. He's gradually getting more comfortable communicating and less afraid of conflict. Note to everyone: never try to avoid conflict by not communicating. Conflict or issues left undealt with will never simply resolve themselves and can fester into much bigger issues. I have no doubt that my significant other is continuing to process some of the changes he is making, but he is on his own journey with that and I respect that. Because I see my man putting so much effort into being the best partner and dad he can be, I'm inspired to be the best woman, partner and mom that I can be. We don't come at each other from a tit for tat (or I'll change this so you should change that) perspective. And, at least in my case, he inspires me to want to be my best self.
This past weekend, he had a friend who wanted to grab dinner with him on Friday, so when more friends invited him to meet them on Sunday night, he considered foregoing the opportunity. I think he felt guilty about leaving me home for a few hours, while he enjoyed some guy time. I genuinely needed some writing time and encouraged him to go and see his friends. If he would have forced himself to stay home, while his friends were right down the street, I would have enjoyed his company, but I wouldn't have gotten any writing done and he would have been wondering what his friends were up to. Carving out some time for each of us to have some personal space was healthy for both of us. When he came home that evening and shared the stories he accumulated from his friends, I laughed so hard I almost fell out of bed. (I'd be remised not to share. His friend, the same friend that brought him out the night that I met him, lives in an apartment and seems to have at least two little roommates--one rat and one mouse. His friend had waken up to the site of a rat sitting on his TV looking at him. When he tried unsuccessfully to catch the rat, he walked to the kitchen to get a bowl of cereal. When pouring out cereal, a little mouse swam out of the cereal box and into his bowl and that was the end of his breakfast.) We just cuddled and shared stories, chatted and laughed ourselves to sleep. Sometimes quality time is more precious than quantity time:).
Earlier that weekend, we were at a social gathering and I became the center of attention and was showered with questions about pregnancy and intimacy, unsolicited awkward comments about whether or not to use an epideral, how small women would like to be 'sewn up down there' post labor, etc. I do talk about some of these topics with close friends who've been through the process, but being put on the spot in front of a group of strangers made me want to be a turtle and retreat to my shell. I caught my boyfriend's eye and did the little, 'let's wrap it up and get out of here' sign and within minutes, he graciously had us on our way. The examples could really go on and on, but you get the gist. In any case, I'm going to leave you with the recipe that is making my relationship delicious. I encourage you to try out the recipe and adjust the portions as necessary.
Recipe for a successful and happy relationship during pregnancy and after:)
A healthy dose of patience. Mama is getting used to her ever-changing body. She is struggling with watching her figure expand day-by-day, while making healthy choices for both herself and the baby. She is going to have far less energy than before, require naps and crave reassurance that everything is going to be ok. Be patient with her Papa is figuring out his role in all of this. He wants to be supportive, but doesn't necessarily know how. He might be working on making some changes of his own, but he will benefit tremendously from patience.
A frequent dose of laugher. It's true that adding another member to your family is a serious subject, but that doesn't mean you need to take yourselves too seriously. Seize every opportunity to laugh.
Willing spirits. Fold a generous portion of this into your relationship! You'll encounter tons of hiccups in relationships, but if both parties have a 'can-do' attitude, you'll find a way to get through. My health care provider provides infinite prenatal classes and they ask that every pregnant woman bring her partner or a supportive party along to each class. My boyfriend has been at my side for each class with a positive attitude and is fully engaged in the entire discussion. I am grateful! I've seen some men in those classes who look resentful about being there. I can't imagine what it would be like to be there with someone who doesn't want to be there. If you're one of those men who are copping an attitude about the prenatal classes, remind yourself how your significant other ended up pregnant and ask yourself how you'd feel if the shoe were on the other foot:-). If you can let your guard down, I promise, you'll actually have fun.
Forgiveness. Sometimes we take five steps forward and two steps back. But don't worry, in this scenario, you're still three steps further ahead then you were in the beginning. You're both going to step on each others toes from time to time. Dad might feel like he's being taken for granted or question if he can do anything right. Mom might be struggling to embrace her rapidly changing body while also moving into the mommy mentality (which is different for every woman). Undoubtedly one of your feelings will get hurt or something will happen to set the relationship off kilter. Talk through it. Listen. Acknowledge your stake in the issue, apologize when at fault, and forgive as soon as you can. As my boyfriend always says, 'tomorrow is a new day.' It is so true!
Gratitude. Appreciate each other for the gifts that you each bring to the table. Don't focus on each others deficits. We already know our deficits. Instead, build on each others strengths. I am grateful for the effort that my significant other is putting into our prenatal phase of life, grateful for his logistics minded brain that is able to formulate a family budget and for his silliness. These are a few of the many traits that make me want to wake up next to him in the morning. What are you grateful for in your relationship and in life in general.
Reciprocity. Humans crave reciprocity in all social interactions. Don't operate out of a tit-for-tat mentality, but be intentional about reciprocating things like support and effort.
A desire to keep growing. Once on a long car trip, my boyfriend and I were talking about all of the dreams we had in life. He expressed regret about not finishing his four-year degree, and joked that maybe he'd teach our baby that she should go to college so she wouldn't end up like her father. He was thinking that now that our family is beginning, his life as an individual was, in a sense, over. School would be too expensive or impractical, etc. I asked him to reconsider. I know this is different than the old school mentality that to become a parent means to sacrifice oneself. But, I think it's powerful if parents set an example for their children by taking risks. Finish a degree if that's what you'd like to do. Write a book. Take a class. Do whatever you'd like, but commit to keeping on growing. We're hopeful that our daughter will grow up to think that it is ok for her to take risks (just like her parents did), rather than the opposite.
Patience. Patience is a virtue all the time, but especially now. Practice it. When you're patience is running thin, give yourself a quick time-out, take a few breaths and get back to life.
I've heard that getting pregnant when you have all of your ducks completely in a row (although I'm wondering who, other than perhaps the Duggar family who has an entire army of children and is always preparing for the next one, really has their ducks in a row). When you learn that you are expecting before you were expecting to be expecting, it's a whole different ball game. All of a sudden, some behaviors that seemed fine or tolerable when it was just the two of you, need to be tidied up. Us mothers have a baby growing inside of us so our bodies and babies demand that we start taking care of them in every way possible. Our energy evaporates and we need to rely more than ever on either our support system or on our significant others. I have heard a few stories of relationships that ended right before or after a mother was impregnated...and I have a huge sense of empathy for those women. In my relationship, as my significant other and I were navigating what parenthood meant for our relationship and figuring out which behaviors needed to be tidied up, we went through a whirlwind of emotions, debates, sometimes small arguments, and some occasional crying. Being the independent woman that I am, I would sometimes say, "I can do this alone," when things got heated or difficult. And while I probably could do that if I absolutely had to, the truth is that I want to do this as a team. By this, I mean the whole thing, my relationship and the raising of our daughter. Some men, when pressed or pressured might say, "F*** it, do it alone then." My man, however is not among them and I am grateful.
Since getting pregnant, I've become really skilled at voicing my authentic truth. Sometimes it boils down to, "When you do or say X, I'm impacted in this way. I'm not willing to co-parent with someone who does or says X." Mind you, I don't have any friends who haven't found some issue to address with their partners during pregnancy. I love the way that my dear colleague phrased it. She'd explain to her partner that she wanted him to tidy up some behaviors or be more present and she wanted him to do it, because he knew it was the right thing to do as a parent. And then, she'd back off and let him navigate, digest and find his way. My pilates instructor gives her boyfriend and baby daddy feedback about what she needs from him from a place of gratitude. I know other people who use other strategies or simply don't communicate at all, but I really think the prior two examples are fair ways to communicate with a partner. At one point, after sharing some concerns with my boyfriend, he changed his behavior but became really resentful with me. It's sometimes easier for humans to externalize the issue at hand than look within. He stopped playing music for me, stopped offering back massages, stopped doing all of the kind things that made him into the man that I fell in love with. I felt like he was punishing me. A week into this, I couldn't take it anymore. I had a heart-to-heart with him and told him that I could feel his resentment and also let him know that it was completely optional to be with me, that he could always opt out if he wanted to. That is when he shared that he was struggling with all of the changes he was making and revealed that he was still digesting and making sense of everything. I was fine with him digesting and making sense of stuff, but I wasn't fine experiencing, what felt like, anger and resentment.
I don't know why, but having the conversation and making the space for each of us to state our truth seems to have shifted our relationship for the better. We are perfecting the recipe for our relationship. We are learning to communicate and to co-navigate life as teammates. Since our conversation, he gradually began picking up his guitar again. He started offering massages. He's gradually getting more comfortable communicating and less afraid of conflict. Note to everyone: never try to avoid conflict by not communicating. Conflict or issues left undealt with will never simply resolve themselves and can fester into much bigger issues. I have no doubt that my significant other is continuing to process some of the changes he is making, but he is on his own journey with that and I respect that. Because I see my man putting so much effort into being the best partner and dad he can be, I'm inspired to be the best woman, partner and mom that I can be. We don't come at each other from a tit for tat (or I'll change this so you should change that) perspective. And, at least in my case, he inspires me to want to be my best self.
This past weekend, he had a friend who wanted to grab dinner with him on Friday, so when more friends invited him to meet them on Sunday night, he considered foregoing the opportunity. I think he felt guilty about leaving me home for a few hours, while he enjoyed some guy time. I genuinely needed some writing time and encouraged him to go and see his friends. If he would have forced himself to stay home, while his friends were right down the street, I would have enjoyed his company, but I wouldn't have gotten any writing done and he would have been wondering what his friends were up to. Carving out some time for each of us to have some personal space was healthy for both of us. When he came home that evening and shared the stories he accumulated from his friends, I laughed so hard I almost fell out of bed. (I'd be remised not to share. His friend, the same friend that brought him out the night that I met him, lives in an apartment and seems to have at least two little roommates--one rat and one mouse. His friend had waken up to the site of a rat sitting on his TV looking at him. When he tried unsuccessfully to catch the rat, he walked to the kitchen to get a bowl of cereal. When pouring out cereal, a little mouse swam out of the cereal box and into his bowl and that was the end of his breakfast.) We just cuddled and shared stories, chatted and laughed ourselves to sleep. Sometimes quality time is more precious than quantity time:).
Earlier that weekend, we were at a social gathering and I became the center of attention and was showered with questions about pregnancy and intimacy, unsolicited awkward comments about whether or not to use an epideral, how small women would like to be 'sewn up down there' post labor, etc. I do talk about some of these topics with close friends who've been through the process, but being put on the spot in front of a group of strangers made me want to be a turtle and retreat to my shell. I caught my boyfriend's eye and did the little, 'let's wrap it up and get out of here' sign and within minutes, he graciously had us on our way. The examples could really go on and on, but you get the gist. In any case, I'm going to leave you with the recipe that is making my relationship delicious. I encourage you to try out the recipe and adjust the portions as necessary.
Recipe for a successful and happy relationship during pregnancy and after:)
A healthy dose of patience. Mama is getting used to her ever-changing body. She is struggling with watching her figure expand day-by-day, while making healthy choices for both herself and the baby. She is going to have far less energy than before, require naps and crave reassurance that everything is going to be ok. Be patient with her Papa is figuring out his role in all of this. He wants to be supportive, but doesn't necessarily know how. He might be working on making some changes of his own, but he will benefit tremendously from patience.
A frequent dose of laugher. It's true that adding another member to your family is a serious subject, but that doesn't mean you need to take yourselves too seriously. Seize every opportunity to laugh.
Willing spirits. Fold a generous portion of this into your relationship! You'll encounter tons of hiccups in relationships, but if both parties have a 'can-do' attitude, you'll find a way to get through. My health care provider provides infinite prenatal classes and they ask that every pregnant woman bring her partner or a supportive party along to each class. My boyfriend has been at my side for each class with a positive attitude and is fully engaged in the entire discussion. I am grateful! I've seen some men in those classes who look resentful about being there. I can't imagine what it would be like to be there with someone who doesn't want to be there. If you're one of those men who are copping an attitude about the prenatal classes, remind yourself how your significant other ended up pregnant and ask yourself how you'd feel if the shoe were on the other foot:-). If you can let your guard down, I promise, you'll actually have fun.
Forgiveness. Sometimes we take five steps forward and two steps back. But don't worry, in this scenario, you're still three steps further ahead then you were in the beginning. You're both going to step on each others toes from time to time. Dad might feel like he's being taken for granted or question if he can do anything right. Mom might be struggling to embrace her rapidly changing body while also moving into the mommy mentality (which is different for every woman). Undoubtedly one of your feelings will get hurt or something will happen to set the relationship off kilter. Talk through it. Listen. Acknowledge your stake in the issue, apologize when at fault, and forgive as soon as you can. As my boyfriend always says, 'tomorrow is a new day.' It is so true!
Gratitude. Appreciate each other for the gifts that you each bring to the table. Don't focus on each others deficits. We already know our deficits. Instead, build on each others strengths. I am grateful for the effort that my significant other is putting into our prenatal phase of life, grateful for his logistics minded brain that is able to formulate a family budget and for his silliness. These are a few of the many traits that make me want to wake up next to him in the morning. What are you grateful for in your relationship and in life in general.
Reciprocity. Humans crave reciprocity in all social interactions. Don't operate out of a tit-for-tat mentality, but be intentional about reciprocating things like support and effort.
A desire to keep growing. Once on a long car trip, my boyfriend and I were talking about all of the dreams we had in life. He expressed regret about not finishing his four-year degree, and joked that maybe he'd teach our baby that she should go to college so she wouldn't end up like her father. He was thinking that now that our family is beginning, his life as an individual was, in a sense, over. School would be too expensive or impractical, etc. I asked him to reconsider. I know this is different than the old school mentality that to become a parent means to sacrifice oneself. But, I think it's powerful if parents set an example for their children by taking risks. Finish a degree if that's what you'd like to do. Write a book. Take a class. Do whatever you'd like, but commit to keeping on growing. We're hopeful that our daughter will grow up to think that it is ok for her to take risks (just like her parents did), rather than the opposite.
Patience. Patience is a virtue all the time, but especially now. Practice it. When you're patience is running thin, give yourself a quick time-out, take a few breaths and get back to life.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Half-way Through:)
I've entered the nineteenth week of pregnancy. It's becoming a little bit more difficult to conceal my ever-growing belly, butt, and swollen legs. At the same time as I pray that my slender body will return again someday, I am relieved to see my baby slowly starting to grow. At my last doctor's visit, I heard a strong heartbeat (which my doctor let me record the sound of) and then we had an ultrasound. My bf and I held off for several hours to learn the gender. The technician wrote the gender on a piece of paper and put it inside of a long envelop. My bf and I went to dinner to celebrate the new milestone in our lives. We handed the envelope to our waitress. She went to the back of the restaurant, placed a call to my friend, who was on call to prepare a cake. He knew to make us a strawberry cheesecake if it was a girl and a blueberry cheesecake if it was a boy. To make a long story short, we had strawberry cake waiting for us when we got home and learned that we have a girl on the way. It made the whole experience seem more real and I developed yet another level of confidence about the changing state of my life.
That night I edited down a ten second clip of the heartbeat, created an mp3 called 'the rhythm of life' and sent it to my aunt, who I hadn't yet shared the news with. I had only told my parents, my sister, a cousin, and a handful of friends beforehand, so this was a big step. After I e-mail my aunt, I texted another relative, letting her know I had news to share. It was like the little baby inside of me didn't want to be a secret anymore. She needed to know that her mom was proud to have her and she (and I) needed the world to know about her presence. My relative called me during her break at work. When I told her, she shared that she was expecting to hear different news, but congratulated me anyways and then said she had to go. Another relative shared that she hadn't envisioned me as the mother-type, but that she was sure I'd figure it out. By the time I'd shared the news and got the mixed reviews from relatives, I received an e-mail from my doctor letting me know that I'd need to be seen every two weeks for the remainder of my pregnancy, due to my heightened risk for preclampsia (a rare condition that puts mama and baby at risk for serious problems). I felt vulnerable and started playing out all of the 'what if?' scenarios in my head. 'What if something goes wrong?' 'What if, after sharing this and risking judgment, there's a complication or something doesn't work out?' I decided to take a break from thinking and connect with one of my dearest friends who is also a new mama and had to overcome all of her own 'what if' scenarios just over a year ago, and then I spent the day writing at one of my favorite coffee shops. While writing, I chatted with one of my old high school friends about my worries. His response was something to the tune of, 'Ismaralda, you figure out how to do everything you set your mind to. I have no doubt that you'll get through this.' And, in that instant, I decided to adapt that as my new attitude. Like, my friend Ali, the author of 'The Tao of Dating,' would say, if we walk around fearing that things will go wrong and focus on saying 'I don't want anything to go wrong,' we're putting the energy of something going wrong into the universe. If instead, I walk around focusing on doing everything in my power to have a safe, healthy pregnancy and delivering a healthy baby, that is more likely to be the outcome. I'm focusing on all of the variables in my control...daily exercise, healthy food, a positive attitude, regular communication with the doctor, surrounding myself with positive, non-judgmental people, and leaving the rest to fate. I find there to be power in identifying what is my control and acting on that! I, in fact, see no alternative. As I prepare to head back to work, after enjoying a summer off, I have a brand new attitude to bring along with me and loads of lessons I've learned on the journey.
Lesson #1. Internalize the quote that: 'what other people think of me is not my business.' Dr. Seuss has an even more articulate version of the quote. "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -- Dr. Seuss
Nobody knows what is best for you better than you do. I find that the people that are the most quick to judge or offer the most unsolicited advice about what I should or should not do, are people who are unhappy or people whose views don't necessarily matter. Instead of worrying about what others think of you, work on embracing yourself and being the best person that you can be.
Lesson #2. Be selective about who you confide in and how much you choose to confide.
While people generally act with good intentions, some will be excited for you, and may share more than you wanted to share (without even realizing they've over-shared). I recently met a friend for coffee at my favorite coffee shop. He decided to talk extremely loud and announce to an entire coffee shop that I was expecting. The more attention he got from others, the further he delved in to his charade. Another acquaintance shared personal stories and my blog with my family, because she was excited for me and had forgotten that these things weren't meant to be shared. If anything like this happens to you, do your best to gently practice forgiveness and just be slightly more cautious next time.
Lesson #3. Find your happy spot and go there frequently.
For me, there is nothing more blissful than writing and people watching in a coffee shop. I love being surrounded by a room full of strangers who are each working on their own projects, or sitting beside friends who are each working on their passions. I find inspiration in the eclectic mix of people and activities to delve deeper into my writing and simply to appreciate life. Sometimes people who are expecting might abstain from places like coffee shops to save money. A decaf Americano is just over two bucks and a latte is under $4. Enjoy your favorite treat, let the hours melt away, and consider it self care. If you're into movies, go see some. Take a friend or go alone, if you need 'me' time. It's all about you right now.
Lesson #4. Find a prenatal yoga and pilates class.
I just took my very first prenatal pilates class today, and it was wonderful to be surrounded by women ranging from 16 weeks to 32 weeks whose bodies are all going through the same process. I had been trying to go to my normal gym and take regular pilates and core classes and silently whispering to the instructor at the start of each class that I was pregnant. It is far more comforting to take a class with an instructor, who is trained to support pre-natal women and has devised each pose and stretch accordingly.
Lesson #5. Even when you get frustrated with your significant other, vow to keep communicating. Do so from a place of love, gratitude, and support. If either of you feels attacked or unsupported, you're not likely to respond well. Use "I" statements and steer clear of "you" statements at all times.
My significant other, like all partners, have had our shares of tests and trials throughout the pregnancy. I miss the vibrant, energizer bunny-like woman that I once was. When my boyfriend drives us somewhere in the car, the motion instantly puts me to sleep. During the night, as I struggle to sleep on my left side while balancing on my body pillow, I end up flinging it around and bopping him in the head multiple times. These issues are things that we endearingly laugh at. It's issues like how the integration of a baby will change our lifestyle, what it means to be responsible partners, how to sustain our strong relationship as our lives change that are trickier to navigate. When you don't know where to start in the conversation, delve into a game of twenty questions. It might take a minute for you to find your rhythm, but it will get the dialogue flowing between you, which is important.
Lesson #6. Keep some surprises.
We contemplated several names, but I absolutely fell in love with one. I loved the meaning of it, the strength of the sound of it, and the symbolism of it. To my great surprise, my boyfriend has come to love it. Early in the pregnancy, before we knew our baby's gender and shared possible names with others, we received more unsolicited feedback than I was ready to receive. People told me why other kids in school wouldn't like certain names, that they liked 'American' names (by the way...what the hell is an American name?), etc. Needless to say, when we finally decided, we opted to keep the name to ourselves. Everyone else will be pleasantly surprised in December.
Lesson #7. Always speak your truth with kindness and integrity.
In addition to utilizing Western medicine, I use Ayurveda to help manage my health. My Ayurvedic practitioner believes everyone has a karmic life lesson to learn. She says she believes my life lesson is to learn to voice my truth. Interestingly, since becoming pregnant, I've become well-versed in this. When you're pregnant, you don't have room to carry around bottled up stress. Un-communicated bottled up thoughts equal stress, which isn't good for baby and me. When I was telling my mother about something that bothered me recently, she said 'It's ok honey. You need to have broad shoulders. Don't let that bother you.' She meant totally well, but the truth is that if we don't communicate about our thoughts and feelings, others will never know how you've been impacted and there is no opportunity to create positive change.
Lesson #8. Be positive.
Positivity is contagious. Baby needs your positivity, as much as you do! If you're positive, people around you will likely follow suit.
Lesson #9. Don't make hasty decisions for the sake of appeasing others. Only you know what is right for you and when is right for you.
If you're not married when you become preggers, don't rush into marriage simply to deter others from talking about you. Although my significant other and I definitely hope to build a future together, it's important to me that we take life one step at a time. If we formally decide to institutionalize our relationship, it has to be because that is something that we both feel is right. Recently, I got into a conversation with a 21 year old cousin of my Nepali friend who kindly offered me his advice. "I think it's better if you get married...you're going to be a mother." I politely thanked him for being concerned about me, but let him know that I'd get married when my boyfriend and I think the timing is right, not when anyone else does. As my prenatal counselor always says, "It's 2011. There is no longer one correct template for forming families."
Lesson #10. Put your feet up sometimes.
I've been intentional about walking and staying active. Last week, however, my legs said, "give us a break." I know legs can swell, but I swear to you my legs looked and felt like they were bloated..in the same way my belly is bloated after a huge meal. They ached from the hip flexer all the way down to my ankles. When I e-mailed my doctor again, he said...'yep, it sounds like you're pregnant. put your feet up and hang in there...you've got a long ways to go.' Surprising, doing just that has helped.
Lesson #11. Tune into your cravings, but pace yourself.
My colleague whose a doctor and the father of four children told me it's important to pay attention to what your body craves and allow yourself to have a small serving of that particular food. I think he was hoping that I'd say that I was craving meat. While some people who become vegetarians simply for health purposes may crave meat, that is not an issue I imagine myself dealing with. For me, if it has a face and it can walk, I cannot stomach the idea of eating it. I instead crave things like pickled vegetables, chipotle, yogurt, chocolate and chocolate chex. After eating an entire box of chocolate chex cereal this past weekend, I decided to steer clear of cereal. But, I did indulge in purchasing two bottles of pickled banana peppers, low fat string cheese, yogurt and chocolate. As long as I can force myself to indulge modestly, I should be ok...and you should too.
Lesson #12. Sleep.
I've learned that sleep is not something that can be taken for granted any longer. I'm learning to treat myself to afternoon naps, and to gently forgive myself when I sleep through my workout from time to time. There is always tomorrow. When you're preggers, your body will tell you when enough is enough.
Lesson #3. Find your happy spot and go there frequently.
For me, there is nothing more blissful than writing and people watching in a coffee shop. I love being surrounded by a room full of strangers who are each working on their own projects, or sitting beside friends who are each working on their passions. I find inspiration in the eclectic mix of people and activities to delve deeper into my writing and simply to appreciate life. Sometimes people who are expecting might abstain from places like coffee shops to save money. A decaf Americano is just over two bucks and a latte is under $4. Enjoy your favorite treat, let the hours melt away, and consider it self care. If you're into movies, go see some. Take a friend or go alone, if you need 'me' time. It's all about you right now.
Lesson #4. Find a prenatal yoga and pilates class.
I just took my very first prenatal pilates class today, and it was wonderful to be surrounded by women ranging from 16 weeks to 32 weeks whose bodies are all going through the same process. I had been trying to go to my normal gym and take regular pilates and core classes and silently whispering to the instructor at the start of each class that I was pregnant. It is far more comforting to take a class with an instructor, who is trained to support pre-natal women and has devised each pose and stretch accordingly.
Lesson #5. Even when you get frustrated with your significant other, vow to keep communicating. Do so from a place of love, gratitude, and support. If either of you feels attacked or unsupported, you're not likely to respond well. Use "I" statements and steer clear of "you" statements at all times.
My significant other, like all partners, have had our shares of tests and trials throughout the pregnancy. I miss the vibrant, energizer bunny-like woman that I once was. When my boyfriend drives us somewhere in the car, the motion instantly puts me to sleep. During the night, as I struggle to sleep on my left side while balancing on my body pillow, I end up flinging it around and bopping him in the head multiple times. These issues are things that we endearingly laugh at. It's issues like how the integration of a baby will change our lifestyle, what it means to be responsible partners, how to sustain our strong relationship as our lives change that are trickier to navigate. When you don't know where to start in the conversation, delve into a game of twenty questions. It might take a minute for you to find your rhythm, but it will get the dialogue flowing between you, which is important.
Lesson #6. Keep some surprises.
We contemplated several names, but I absolutely fell in love with one. I loved the meaning of it, the strength of the sound of it, and the symbolism of it. To my great surprise, my boyfriend has come to love it. Early in the pregnancy, before we knew our baby's gender and shared possible names with others, we received more unsolicited feedback than I was ready to receive. People told me why other kids in school wouldn't like certain names, that they liked 'American' names (by the way...what the hell is an American name?), etc. Needless to say, when we finally decided, we opted to keep the name to ourselves. Everyone else will be pleasantly surprised in December.
Lesson #7. Always speak your truth with kindness and integrity.
In addition to utilizing Western medicine, I use Ayurveda to help manage my health. My Ayurvedic practitioner believes everyone has a karmic life lesson to learn. She says she believes my life lesson is to learn to voice my truth. Interestingly, since becoming pregnant, I've become well-versed in this. When you're pregnant, you don't have room to carry around bottled up stress. Un-communicated bottled up thoughts equal stress, which isn't good for baby and me. When I was telling my mother about something that bothered me recently, she said 'It's ok honey. You need to have broad shoulders. Don't let that bother you.' She meant totally well, but the truth is that if we don't communicate about our thoughts and feelings, others will never know how you've been impacted and there is no opportunity to create positive change.
Lesson #8. Be positive.
Positivity is contagious. Baby needs your positivity, as much as you do! If you're positive, people around you will likely follow suit.
Lesson #9. Don't make hasty decisions for the sake of appeasing others. Only you know what is right for you and when is right for you.
If you're not married when you become preggers, don't rush into marriage simply to deter others from talking about you. Although my significant other and I definitely hope to build a future together, it's important to me that we take life one step at a time. If we formally decide to institutionalize our relationship, it has to be because that is something that we both feel is right. Recently, I got into a conversation with a 21 year old cousin of my Nepali friend who kindly offered me his advice. "I think it's better if you get married...you're going to be a mother." I politely thanked him for being concerned about me, but let him know that I'd get married when my boyfriend and I think the timing is right, not when anyone else does. As my prenatal counselor always says, "It's 2011. There is no longer one correct template for forming families."
Lesson #10. Put your feet up sometimes.
I've been intentional about walking and staying active. Last week, however, my legs said, "give us a break." I know legs can swell, but I swear to you my legs looked and felt like they were bloated..in the same way my belly is bloated after a huge meal. They ached from the hip flexer all the way down to my ankles. When I e-mailed my doctor again, he said...'yep, it sounds like you're pregnant. put your feet up and hang in there...you've got a long ways to go.' Surprising, doing just that has helped.
Lesson #11. Tune into your cravings, but pace yourself.
My colleague whose a doctor and the father of four children told me it's important to pay attention to what your body craves and allow yourself to have a small serving of that particular food. I think he was hoping that I'd say that I was craving meat. While some people who become vegetarians simply for health purposes may crave meat, that is not an issue I imagine myself dealing with. For me, if it has a face and it can walk, I cannot stomach the idea of eating it. I instead crave things like pickled vegetables, chipotle, yogurt, chocolate and chocolate chex. After eating an entire box of chocolate chex cereal this past weekend, I decided to steer clear of cereal. But, I did indulge in purchasing two bottles of pickled banana peppers, low fat string cheese, yogurt and chocolate. As long as I can force myself to indulge modestly, I should be ok...and you should too.
Lesson #12. Sleep.
I've learned that sleep is not something that can be taken for granted any longer. I'm learning to treat myself to afternoon naps, and to gently forgive myself when I sleep through my workout from time to time. There is always tomorrow. When you're preggers, your body will tell you when enough is enough.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
How to get by and dress before you announce that you are preggers:-)
If you weren't expecting to be expecting quite yet and are taking your time with informing the world about your new life milestone, it's hard to gage who to share your news with and when to share it. And if you're not ready to scream to the world, "I am pregnant!" you might also want to carefully choose your wardrobe, your drinks when you go out (cranberry juice and club soda is my fav) so as not to pique everyone's suspicions, and think ahead for how you'll explain the tiredness or nausea.
In my case, my belly is just starting to grow. But, my boobs took off long ago. I went from 32A to 36C practically overnight...well ok, it wasn't quite that fast, but I felt like it. Each morning, I carefully selected a tank top to go under my V-neck shirt or tried to find something that was slightly higher than what I usually wore. Each morning as I checked in with my colleague who shares an office with me, I was sure that as she was checking out my outfit, she'd notice my boobs. I was terrified that she'd figure me out. She'd either think I got a boob job, think I'd been packing away lots of extra chocolate, or god forbid, she'd think I was pregnant. My closest friends, who are candidly honest with me, shared that they'd assumed I just filled out a little (before they knew my secret) and thought nothing more.
Now, I have a new battle... Along with my boobs, my waistline has started expanding. I'm at the stage, where you can't quite tell that I'm pregnant (thank god, cuz I'm still not ready to announce that), but I look like I'm getting chunky. I went from having a fairly flat stomach to having a bulging round belly and a butt the size of a small country. Getting dressed each morning is terrifying. But, today, the day that I reached seventeen weeks was the worst. I started out feeling confident, so I decided I'd wear red. I put on some leggings, some red flat boots and filed through my closet for a matching cute red top to wear. It needed to be long enough to cover my growing booty, big enough to make it over my new Pamela Anderson chest, and flowy enough to mask my bulging belly. I squeezed into the first top, but realized after a glance in the mirror, that it screamed 'I'm putting on weight.' Next, I picked out my favorite long Indian kurti. Kurtis are baggy and have a lot of give, so I thought that'd be perfect. Nope, my kurti was no longer baggy or giving. I got it over the top, but it no longer covered my butt. Finally, I gave into the fact that no matter how badly I wanted to wear my red boots, I was out of luck. Finally, I settled on my dark purple sweater dress, curled my hair, added some cute earrings and a peace ring and I was on my way.
Tips for staying cute and getting by, before you've shared your news with the world.
1. Stay active. Go for a daily walk, and try lifting some light weights (by light, I mean 2.5 to 5 pounds) a few times a week. In my case, the walk keeps me feeling good and the weights make me feel strong inside and out. I take an aerobic weightlifting class at my gym, because I wouldn't have the discipline to do it alone. Remember, you are entitled to take a break any time you need to. It's important to keep our heartbeat under 140.
2. Eat healthy, high protein food, and take your pre-natals:-).
It'll keep you feeling vital and energetic, and it's good for the baby too. If you're a vegetarian, just focus on getting 70 grams of protein a day, and don't worry about all of the people who give you speeches about what you ought to eat. Work with your nutritionist or doctor to make sure you're on the right track. Nut butters, greek yogurt, eggs, lentils, beans, quinoa and so many other foods are packed with protein.
3. Bust out the empire waist dresses and tops that you likely already have in your closet and leggings.
These clothes are timeless. They've been in style for a long time, and will likely stay that way for a long time. They are comfortable, fashionable, and you can still look cute.
4. Find one or two low-fitting, loose pairs of jeans that you already have and enjoy wearing them while you can. Pair them with loose fitting, trendy tops. Forget about your favorite fitted jeans right now. They'll be there for you after you've had the baby. If your waist expands on the loose jeans before you're ready to be done with them, loop a hair tie through the hole and around the button--that should buy you a few extra weeks in your jeans.
5. Take time to do your hair and make-up (if you like doing your hair or make-up).
The way we present ourselves definitely affects the way we feel. If you're feeling chubby (which all pregnant women do, I think) and frumpy, walking around in sweat pants and uncombed hair, will probably do little to lift your spirits. We've all done it! But, I've found that it does wonders to take a minute to put my best self forward.
6. Treat yourself to regular manicures and pedicures in well vented and clean salon.
My nails seem to grow everyday. This is just a simple thing you can do for yourself from time to time to breath, relax, and enjoy some TLC.
7. Find a reliable massage therapist and visit her/him each month.
Make sure you share that you are pregnant and make sure that your therapist is comfortable with that. If you and your massage therapist are a match, visit him/her each month. For me, the stress that comes along with preparing to become a parent combined with the discomfort of trying to sleep on my side each and every night leaves my body feeling tense. The massage is a much needed release.
8. Continue nurturing your passions.
I love writing and even sometimes daydream about what it would be like to sustain myself primarily as a writer. Writing is my outlet for dealing with all of the bumps that life throws me. Hence, this blog. I love setting up in a coffee shop along with friends to work on whichever project I'm engaged in. It's a release and a positive outlet. Whatever your passion is, continue to nourish it. It's important to keep your own identity even as you prepare to add another huge dimension to your life.
9. Smile.
Give yourself permission to laugh and smile at all of the little mishaps that sometimes happen in life. If you're like me, you'll lose things even more frequently than before or forget things that you never thought possible. Rather than beating yourself up, go ahead and laugh:-)
In my case, my belly is just starting to grow. But, my boobs took off long ago. I went from 32A to 36C practically overnight...well ok, it wasn't quite that fast, but I felt like it. Each morning, I carefully selected a tank top to go under my V-neck shirt or tried to find something that was slightly higher than what I usually wore. Each morning as I checked in with my colleague who shares an office with me, I was sure that as she was checking out my outfit, she'd notice my boobs. I was terrified that she'd figure me out. She'd either think I got a boob job, think I'd been packing away lots of extra chocolate, or god forbid, she'd think I was pregnant. My closest friends, who are candidly honest with me, shared that they'd assumed I just filled out a little (before they knew my secret) and thought nothing more.
Now, I have a new battle... Along with my boobs, my waistline has started expanding. I'm at the stage, where you can't quite tell that I'm pregnant (thank god, cuz I'm still not ready to announce that), but I look like I'm getting chunky. I went from having a fairly flat stomach to having a bulging round belly and a butt the size of a small country. Getting dressed each morning is terrifying. But, today, the day that I reached seventeen weeks was the worst. I started out feeling confident, so I decided I'd wear red. I put on some leggings, some red flat boots and filed through my closet for a matching cute red top to wear. It needed to be long enough to cover my growing booty, big enough to make it over my new Pamela Anderson chest, and flowy enough to mask my bulging belly. I squeezed into the first top, but realized after a glance in the mirror, that it screamed 'I'm putting on weight.' Next, I picked out my favorite long Indian kurti. Kurtis are baggy and have a lot of give, so I thought that'd be perfect. Nope, my kurti was no longer baggy or giving. I got it over the top, but it no longer covered my butt. Finally, I gave into the fact that no matter how badly I wanted to wear my red boots, I was out of luck. Finally, I settled on my dark purple sweater dress, curled my hair, added some cute earrings and a peace ring and I was on my way.
Tips for staying cute and getting by, before you've shared your news with the world.
1. Stay active. Go for a daily walk, and try lifting some light weights (by light, I mean 2.5 to 5 pounds) a few times a week. In my case, the walk keeps me feeling good and the weights make me feel strong inside and out. I take an aerobic weightlifting class at my gym, because I wouldn't have the discipline to do it alone. Remember, you are entitled to take a break any time you need to. It's important to keep our heartbeat under 140.
2. Eat healthy, high protein food, and take your pre-natals:-).
It'll keep you feeling vital and energetic, and it's good for the baby too. If you're a vegetarian, just focus on getting 70 grams of protein a day, and don't worry about all of the people who give you speeches about what you ought to eat. Work with your nutritionist or doctor to make sure you're on the right track. Nut butters, greek yogurt, eggs, lentils, beans, quinoa and so many other foods are packed with protein.
3. Bust out the empire waist dresses and tops that you likely already have in your closet and leggings.
These clothes are timeless. They've been in style for a long time, and will likely stay that way for a long time. They are comfortable, fashionable, and you can still look cute.
4. Find one or two low-fitting, loose pairs of jeans that you already have and enjoy wearing them while you can. Pair them with loose fitting, trendy tops. Forget about your favorite fitted jeans right now. They'll be there for you after you've had the baby. If your waist expands on the loose jeans before you're ready to be done with them, loop a hair tie through the hole and around the button--that should buy you a few extra weeks in your jeans.
5. Take time to do your hair and make-up (if you like doing your hair or make-up).
The way we present ourselves definitely affects the way we feel. If you're feeling chubby (which all pregnant women do, I think) and frumpy, walking around in sweat pants and uncombed hair, will probably do little to lift your spirits. We've all done it! But, I've found that it does wonders to take a minute to put my best self forward.
6. Treat yourself to regular manicures and pedicures in well vented and clean salon.
My nails seem to grow everyday. This is just a simple thing you can do for yourself from time to time to breath, relax, and enjoy some TLC.
7. Find a reliable massage therapist and visit her/him each month.
Make sure you share that you are pregnant and make sure that your therapist is comfortable with that. If you and your massage therapist are a match, visit him/her each month. For me, the stress that comes along with preparing to become a parent combined with the discomfort of trying to sleep on my side each and every night leaves my body feeling tense. The massage is a much needed release.
8. Continue nurturing your passions.
I love writing and even sometimes daydream about what it would be like to sustain myself primarily as a writer. Writing is my outlet for dealing with all of the bumps that life throws me. Hence, this blog. I love setting up in a coffee shop along with friends to work on whichever project I'm engaged in. It's a release and a positive outlet. Whatever your passion is, continue to nourish it. It's important to keep your own identity even as you prepare to add another huge dimension to your life.
9. Smile.
Give yourself permission to laugh and smile at all of the little mishaps that sometimes happen in life. If you're like me, you'll lose things even more frequently than before or forget things that you never thought possible. Rather than beating yourself up, go ahead and laugh:-)
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Tips for your significant other
This morning, I kissed my boyfriend goodbye and curled up on the couch to begin writing for the day. Randomly, I thought of my friend Mandy in Los Angeles and her hubby Robb. Just for fun, I decided to drop Mandy a text message to see how she was doing. Two minutes later, I got the response, "Pregnant."
I don't know why, but this excited me! We immediately got on the phone with each other. Like me, Mandy wanted a child someday, but was caught completely by surprise when she learned that she was carrying a baby in her belly. We swapped stories about adjusting to the new life content, navigating pregnant life with our significant others, and dealing with the hormones and heightened emotions that come along with pregnancy.
Just two days earlier, I met one of my dear friends and her eight-month old daughter for lunch. We'd met two years earlier in Indonesia. Like me, she was a free-spirited woman and world traveler. She revealed that her life took a 180 degree spin, when she became a mom.
The common themes between all of the conversations that I have with expecting mothers is that we all feel like our significant others don't always get us. Interestingly, the women that I've spoken with who are already moms say the same thing. Some even recall sometimes strongly disliking their significant other from time to time during pregnancy. The reality is that our bodies are changing and getting larger by the minutes, we're more tired than ever, we feel sick a portion of the time and bloated all of the time, our boobs are taking off, our clothes are getting snugger, and the list goes on.
If you are father-to-be or a partner of an expecting woman and you're wondering what to do to make it through the next nine-months peacefully, here are some ideas.
1. Communicate. If you and your partner are pro-active about communicating, discussing your feelings, worries and thoughts that came up during the day with each other, you're less likely to have a blow-out. My significant other sometimes says he's looking forward to talking and then when I remind him that he wanted to talk, he says 'not now...let's keep it light today.' That doesn't work well for a pregnant woman or perhaps women in general.
Later when I brought this up to him, he said that his reason for wanting to put off some of the difficult pregnancy/parenting conversations was his fear of confrontation and conflict. Perhaps, he thought that if we didn't talk about tense topics, they would go away. For many women--particularly pregnant women, the unspoken topics are the ones that give us the most anxiety. If you integrate conversation and communication into your daily routine, then there's less likely to be a blow-out or built up hurt feelings, and you're more likely to have a stronger relationship.
2. Never tell us that you like the extra cush on our tush or that we look good with the extra fluff.
Even when we're not pregnant, we work hard to accept our bodies. It doesn't matter how positive your intentions might be, we will hear you acknowledging that you think we're fat. Chances are, we won't take it as a compliment. If you'd like to give a compliment about our appearance, try 'you look great today,' or 'you are beautiful.'
3. Cut back on alcohol and pot or take a nine-month break along with us.
Right now, our entire lives revolve around the babies growing in our tummies. We think about everything from eating pesticide-free fruits and vegetables, consuming enough iron and protein (particularly for those of us who are vegetarians), avoiding mercury-filled fish, and getting enough exercise for us and our growing babies while dealing with fatigue and nausea. Many of us long for a delicious glass of wine with our dinner, a few drinks while we're out dancing, or even a little herbal medicine from time to time. But, the reality is, we can't and won't do those things, because we are making decisions not just for us, but also for a baby. If you want to be a kick-ass significant other, cut back or quit along with us. If you opt to just cut back, seriously stick to one to two drinks, so that you're still able to drive. When we have enough energy to drive at the end of a night out, we'll let you know. Remember, there is a growing human in our bellies that sometimes makes us feel like it is sucking the life out of us. We need you to be sober and present along with us.
4. Be honest.
Don't say or do things for the sake of pleasing us. We will see through that. Instead be honest. Strive to do the right thing simply because you want to be a supportive significant other and you want to be a good father. Don't hide things from your significant other or behave well only when you think she is watching. In that same vain, don't be afraid to state your boundaries. If you go someplace you don't really want to go just so you don't have to deal with an adverse reaction from your significant other, you might feel resentful. Be honest and politely share your thoughts.
5. Have regular date nights.
Yes, it's true. You may be on a bit of a budget as you're preparing to introduce a third party into your relationship in a very permanent way. But, it's important to maintain and even strengthen the relationship you have with each other right now. Although you'll embark on a fantastic journey when the next member of your family arrives, treasure the days that you have as a duo. Most importantly, date nights--whether in the form of a dinner and a movie, dinner with friends, a night out dancing or a long weekend hike--keep your relationship fresh and exciting.
6. Exercise with your significant other.
Not only is your partner's doctor reminding her to exercise everyday, her doctor is asking if the daddy (ie: YOU) is exercising along with her. As you might already be finding out, many expecting fathers put on weight along with their pregnant partners. Additionally, you are both likely stressed and can use the release that comes along with physical activity, so go for it. If you make a pact to go for a daily walk together, it'll hold you both accountable. Making this a daily ritual can keep you both in shape and ease her delivery when your son or daughter is ready to come into the world.
7. Cook/Eat together.
Taking time to prepare food and eat meals together can be incredibly rewarding. My boyfriend loves meat and wheat. I am a vegetarian/pescatarian. We have fun figuring out a menu that'll satisfy both of us. We frequently resort to such options as quinoa Greek salad, salmon, Indian, and Latin food combos.
8. Read your expecting father books.
She will love you for taking the initiative to inform yourself and learn about the parenting process and the pregnancy experience. Talk to her about what you are learning. When I'm having a pain or experiencing a symptom and my boyfriend says, "Oh honey, I think this is what is happening. I read that is what occurs during the 16th week," I love him even more.
9. Offer up back massages whenever you have the energy and maybe she'll return the favor when she has the energy.
When she's trying to hold up her ever-expanding belly and adjust to carrying around extra weight, not only is it harder for her to maintain her posture, she is likely more stiff than ever. She will adore you for the massage and will be sleeping within minutes.
10. Remember that patience is a virtue.
This one needs no explanation. Your patience will likely frequently be tested while you go through the pregnancy journey with your partner. Take a deep breath, count to three before you speak harsh words and choose your words carefully. Words are not retractable once they've been spoken. Also, now, more than ever, your partner is craving stability like she never has before.
5. Have regular date nights.
Yes, it's true. You may be on a bit of a budget as you're preparing to introduce a third party into your relationship in a very permanent way. But, it's important to maintain and even strengthen the relationship you have with each other right now. Although you'll embark on a fantastic journey when the next member of your family arrives, treasure the days that you have as a duo. Most importantly, date nights--whether in the form of a dinner and a movie, dinner with friends, a night out dancing or a long weekend hike--keep your relationship fresh and exciting.
6. Exercise with your significant other.
Not only is your partner's doctor reminding her to exercise everyday, her doctor is asking if the daddy (ie: YOU) is exercising along with her. As you might already be finding out, many expecting fathers put on weight along with their pregnant partners. Additionally, you are both likely stressed and can use the release that comes along with physical activity, so go for it. If you make a pact to go for a daily walk together, it'll hold you both accountable. Making this a daily ritual can keep you both in shape and ease her delivery when your son or daughter is ready to come into the world.
7. Cook/Eat together.
Taking time to prepare food and eat meals together can be incredibly rewarding. My boyfriend loves meat and wheat. I am a vegetarian/pescatarian. We have fun figuring out a menu that'll satisfy both of us. We frequently resort to such options as quinoa Greek salad, salmon, Indian, and Latin food combos.
8. Read your expecting father books.
She will love you for taking the initiative to inform yourself and learn about the parenting process and the pregnancy experience. Talk to her about what you are learning. When I'm having a pain or experiencing a symptom and my boyfriend says, "Oh honey, I think this is what is happening. I read that is what occurs during the 16th week," I love him even more.
9. Offer up back massages whenever you have the energy and maybe she'll return the favor when she has the energy.
When she's trying to hold up her ever-expanding belly and adjust to carrying around extra weight, not only is it harder for her to maintain her posture, she is likely more stiff than ever. She will adore you for the massage and will be sleeping within minutes.
10. Remember that patience is a virtue.
This one needs no explanation. Your patience will likely frequently be tested while you go through the pregnancy journey with your partner. Take a deep breath, count to three before you speak harsh words and choose your words carefully. Words are not retractable once they've been spoken. Also, now, more than ever, your partner is craving stability like she never has before.
Monday, July 11, 2011
A big little secret
It's true that a baby might be as big as a grain of rice or a small piece of fruit--pretty small in the grand scheme of things. But my baby was the biggest little secret that I've kept in my entire life. I work at a Catholic school and have Catholic traditional parents, and I couldn't bare to disappoint my parents or my colleagues at my job, so I kept it to myself. Yes, it was beginning to look like I had a boob job or I put on a few extra pounds, but my body didn't scream pregnancy. Meanwhile, I was nauseous everyday, I had a never ending dull headache, I was more tired than I'd ever been and I had piercing pains on the right side of my abdomen (which turned out to be just a cyst). Add on the screaming hormones that come along with pregnancy, and I felt like my life and my body were spinning out of control and I was alone. With the exception of my sister, my boyfriend and a few close friends, nobody knew about my big, little secret. I felt completely alone.
I would go for a 3 mile walk around the lake while listening to my itunes and get excited as I imagined what my life would be like for my developing family and how I would teach my child to be a strong, independent, global citizen one minute. The next minute when I was feeling more confident, I would rehearse ways to break the news to my parents inside my head. Before I could finish the sentence, tears would gush out of my eyes and I would be overcome with sadness. I couldn't handle disappointing everyone. At the same time as I wasn't ready to share the news with my parents, I craved their support, and felt guilty for not sharing my major life milestone with them. My boyfriend and I had pre-planned a trip back to visit my family in Minnesota and contemplated telling them in person. However, I was overcome with anxiety, sadness and tears each time I imagined telling my parents. I began meeting with a prenatal counselor who comforted me by telling me that I should simply tell my parents when I was ready---that nobody would know when the time was right better than I would. We took the trip, my boyfriend and I each slept in our designated sleeping areas (there is a not married/no co-habitation policy in our home), and we made it through without anyone catching on. I was more tired than I'd ever been, requiring eight hours of sleep and a nap, rather than my usual six hours with no nap. I needed to get up in the middle of the night to sneak a snack, being careful not to be spotted, so I wouldn't alert anyone of any unusual circumstances. My mom had me climb onto a ladder to get some of her fine china out...being on a ladder when your balance isn't quite what it should be, isn't a great idea, but how would my mom have known that? On my my last night in town, I began sobbing uncontrollably once again--sadness, amplified by hormones. I was realizing that it would be a very long time before I'd be back home again. I'd miss Thanksgiving and Christmas, as I was due on Christmas.
I got back to California, had my 15 week check up and heard my baby's heartbeat. It had a strong and rapid rhythm to it--with 150 beats per minute. As a former percussionist, I shouldn't be that surprised that that it was the heartbeat that moved me far more than any of the blurry ultrasound pictures I had seen. Once I heard that beautiful sound, I gained some real confidence, I didn't feel alone anymore. I'd had a supportive boyfriend at my side the whole way through, but now I could feel and hear human life inside of me. That day my boyfriend and I did a conference call to my parents and my sister. We shared our news one step at a time--first, that we planned on starting a future together and second, that we were going to be parents. I was overcome by tears once again, but I explained to my parents that I was crying because I was emotional, but because I wasn't happy. It was sloppy, but we told them the news. A week later, my parents were in California visiting us. I cannot explain what an enormous relief it was to share the week with them without having to conceal a secret. I should mention that once I shared with my parents, I gained the confidence to tell my boss. To my great surprise, she was also supportive.
At the end of the day, it was me who was judging myself more harshly than anyone else. The moral of the story is that there is not a correct way to tell people or a mandated time frame for which others need to be informed. Only you know when the time is right. Trust your instincts. Reach out to non-judgmental friends who you trust to hold onto your big little secret so that you can build a support network. And, if you are in the position where you're unable or not ready to share with family and colleagues, utilize the services of a prenatal counselor. If your health provider offers any support service for either free or a small co-pay, treat yourself and your baby to that help. It will make you a better mama and help you learn how to develop your own support network.
I would go for a 3 mile walk around the lake while listening to my itunes and get excited as I imagined what my life would be like for my developing family and how I would teach my child to be a strong, independent, global citizen one minute. The next minute when I was feeling more confident, I would rehearse ways to break the news to my parents inside my head. Before I could finish the sentence, tears would gush out of my eyes and I would be overcome with sadness. I couldn't handle disappointing everyone. At the same time as I wasn't ready to share the news with my parents, I craved their support, and felt guilty for not sharing my major life milestone with them. My boyfriend and I had pre-planned a trip back to visit my family in Minnesota and contemplated telling them in person. However, I was overcome with anxiety, sadness and tears each time I imagined telling my parents. I began meeting with a prenatal counselor who comforted me by telling me that I should simply tell my parents when I was ready---that nobody would know when the time was right better than I would. We took the trip, my boyfriend and I each slept in our designated sleeping areas (there is a not married/no co-habitation policy in our home), and we made it through without anyone catching on. I was more tired than I'd ever been, requiring eight hours of sleep and a nap, rather than my usual six hours with no nap. I needed to get up in the middle of the night to sneak a snack, being careful not to be spotted, so I wouldn't alert anyone of any unusual circumstances. My mom had me climb onto a ladder to get some of her fine china out...being on a ladder when your balance isn't quite what it should be, isn't a great idea, but how would my mom have known that? On my my last night in town, I began sobbing uncontrollably once again--sadness, amplified by hormones. I was realizing that it would be a very long time before I'd be back home again. I'd miss Thanksgiving and Christmas, as I was due on Christmas.
I got back to California, had my 15 week check up and heard my baby's heartbeat. It had a strong and rapid rhythm to it--with 150 beats per minute. As a former percussionist, I shouldn't be that surprised that that it was the heartbeat that moved me far more than any of the blurry ultrasound pictures I had seen. Once I heard that beautiful sound, I gained some real confidence, I didn't feel alone anymore. I'd had a supportive boyfriend at my side the whole way through, but now I could feel and hear human life inside of me. That day my boyfriend and I did a conference call to my parents and my sister. We shared our news one step at a time--first, that we planned on starting a future together and second, that we were going to be parents. I was overcome by tears once again, but I explained to my parents that I was crying because I was emotional, but because I wasn't happy. It was sloppy, but we told them the news. A week later, my parents were in California visiting us. I cannot explain what an enormous relief it was to share the week with them without having to conceal a secret. I should mention that once I shared with my parents, I gained the confidence to tell my boss. To my great surprise, she was also supportive.
At the end of the day, it was me who was judging myself more harshly than anyone else. The moral of the story is that there is not a correct way to tell people or a mandated time frame for which others need to be informed. Only you know when the time is right. Trust your instincts. Reach out to non-judgmental friends who you trust to hold onto your big little secret so that you can build a support network. And, if you are in the position where you're unable or not ready to share with family and colleagues, utilize the services of a prenatal counselor. If your health provider offers any support service for either free or a small co-pay, treat yourself and your baby to that help. It will make you a better mama and help you learn how to develop your own support network.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
I need help, but I don't know how to ask for it!
Pregnancy is much like life in general, there's no way to understand the experience until you're in the thick of it. After taking two tests that screamed "YES!" at me, I called my doctor and had two more tests done--one blood test and one urine test. Those also came out in the affirmative. I had no idea what this meant, where I should start or what to do. If I had my pick, I might have opted to do this in a more conventional way--perhaps get married this summer, start a family next summer. But, like forty-percent of parents in the country, things worked out the otherway around for us. I e-mailed my doctor and explained how clueless and shellshocked that I was by the news and made a desparate request for an appointment. The night before my appointment, I spent the night with my bf. I wanted to talk to him about all of the emotions I was feeling, all of my uncertainties and fears, but when I opened up my mouth to talk, I just began crying uncontrollably. I buried my head in his chest and cried myself to sleep. The very next day, the same day as my doctor's appointment, marked his last day at his company. He had just secured a brand new job and was preparing to bid one job farewell and start the next one two days later. Throughout the week, he'd been celebrating and probably calming himself down at the same time with wine and the like. Meanwhile, I was no longer allowed to have even a glass of wine to celebrate or relax. I wasn't in the space to empathize with the life transitions of moving to a new company and learning that you're going to be a dad all in one week. Instead, I was fixated on what it meant to be an unwed daughter of Catholic parents and also a teacher at a Catholic school who got pregnant...and I wouldn't be able to enjoy a glass of wine for well over a year!!! I wondered what everyone would think of me and how I would survive? I cried about all of these dilemas until I fell asleep. Three hours later, at 3am, a new problem had arisen. I was hungry and I needed to eat immediately. I knudged my boyfriend. "I'm hungry," I whispered.
He was in a deep sleep and spoke to me in his sleep. "Baby, drink some water and get some rest," he said without even waking up. I did and thirty minutes later, we repeated the same convesation. This went on and on all night long until 5:30am. At 5:30, I couldn't take it anymore. I rolled out of bed, put my clothes on, and drove straight to Denny's.
If you've ever been to Denny's before 7am, you probably know that it is filled with regulars. On this particular morning, there were about a half-dozen elderly men, each sitting by themselves. Each was so regular that the waiter knew what to bring them as soon as they sat down.
I sat there eating my vegetarian egg scramble, writing in my journal and crying, while each of the old men sat in solitude picking at their breakfast, sipping their coffee and reading their papers. My boyfriend had awaken out of his deep slumber and noticed I was missing. He called repeatedly, but I just kept my phone on silent and kept picking away at my breakfast. Then I finally picked up my phone. Once I began talking, tears poured out of each eye. Yes, it is true. Hormones magnify every emotion you are experiencing by about 200 percent when you're preggers.
As I cried my eyes out at Denny's, I explained that I was terrified, that I felt alone, that I was about to go to the doctor alone, that I didn't know how I was going to survive. That was our first 'a-ha' moment. My Bf suggested that he accompany me to the doctor, and that we really make an effort to do all of this together. In retrospect, I had never told him that I wanted him to go to the doctor with me, or that I needed him to step up. I hadn't admit that to myself. I was used to being 'happy-go-lucky,' doing everything independently, and never asking for help. How would he have known that all of this would shift within days? He met me at the doctor's office, accompanied me to my appointment, treated me to Indian buffet for lunch, and life felt managable once again.
How to navigate life after you know!
1. Write. Get a journal. If you want, you can write to your baby and tell them about you and your life. On separate pages, you can vent about your significant other and all of the uncertainties that come along with hormones and pregnancy.
2. Have some healthy snacks on hand at all times. You might get hungry at crazy hours of the day and night. And when you're hungry and you don't feed yourself during pregnancy, that'll equate to nausea and crabbiness to nth-degree. Do the world and yourself a favor. Feed yourself when you need a snack.
3. Go see your doctor and tap into every support service that your medical health provider has to offer. As I tell my students, it is a sign of strength to reach out for help. People will begin showering you with unsolicited advice and old-wives tales as soon as they learn about you. Apply only what fits for you. But, pay closer attention to the advice and insight that your own doctor (who knows you and your body) has to offer you.
4. Communicate with your partner. Your partner cannot read your mind. If he or she is used to you thriving on being Miss Independent, like my boyfriend was, there is no way for him/her to know that things have shifted. We might say or think things like, "he should just know," but that's really not a fair assumption.
5. Fight fairly. You are going to feel more sensative than ever and more triggered than ever. You'll need more emotional support than you ever have. In my case, pregnancy took the nice edge off of me. I didn't turn into a complete raging bitch, but if I am triggered by something, there is no holding it in. If I try to hold something in, within hours I'll be crying and letting it out. My weakness was that everytime I was upset, I'd say something to the effect of "We don't have to do this. We don't need to be together." With the help of my prenatal counselor, I've learned that that is not a fair way to fight. The truth is that, I do want to do 'this' together. Really what I was saying in that moment was 'I hurt a lot and want you to hurt as bad as I do.' That's not fair to me, to him, or to our relationship. I suggest avoiding my mistake, and making a commitment to never utter those words to each other during a fight. As my prenatal counselor says, they can create emotional hangovers, that over time are hard to recover from. Do your best to speak from the "I" and take a breath before arguing. As long as you are in a relationship that is based on respect and is abuse-free/healthy, these little disputes will actually help the two of you grow as a unit. If you or your partner doesn't fight fairly, get some help!
He was in a deep sleep and spoke to me in his sleep. "Baby, drink some water and get some rest," he said without even waking up. I did and thirty minutes later, we repeated the same convesation. This went on and on all night long until 5:30am. At 5:30, I couldn't take it anymore. I rolled out of bed, put my clothes on, and drove straight to Denny's.
If you've ever been to Denny's before 7am, you probably know that it is filled with regulars. On this particular morning, there were about a half-dozen elderly men, each sitting by themselves. Each was so regular that the waiter knew what to bring them as soon as they sat down.
I sat there eating my vegetarian egg scramble, writing in my journal and crying, while each of the old men sat in solitude picking at their breakfast, sipping their coffee and reading their papers. My boyfriend had awaken out of his deep slumber and noticed I was missing. He called repeatedly, but I just kept my phone on silent and kept picking away at my breakfast. Then I finally picked up my phone. Once I began talking, tears poured out of each eye. Yes, it is true. Hormones magnify every emotion you are experiencing by about 200 percent when you're preggers.
As I cried my eyes out at Denny's, I explained that I was terrified, that I felt alone, that I was about to go to the doctor alone, that I didn't know how I was going to survive. That was our first 'a-ha' moment. My Bf suggested that he accompany me to the doctor, and that we really make an effort to do all of this together. In retrospect, I had never told him that I wanted him to go to the doctor with me, or that I needed him to step up. I hadn't admit that to myself. I was used to being 'happy-go-lucky,' doing everything independently, and never asking for help. How would he have known that all of this would shift within days? He met me at the doctor's office, accompanied me to my appointment, treated me to Indian buffet for lunch, and life felt managable once again.
How to navigate life after you know!
1. Write. Get a journal. If you want, you can write to your baby and tell them about you and your life. On separate pages, you can vent about your significant other and all of the uncertainties that come along with hormones and pregnancy.
2. Have some healthy snacks on hand at all times. You might get hungry at crazy hours of the day and night. And when you're hungry and you don't feed yourself during pregnancy, that'll equate to nausea and crabbiness to nth-degree. Do the world and yourself a favor. Feed yourself when you need a snack.
3. Go see your doctor and tap into every support service that your medical health provider has to offer. As I tell my students, it is a sign of strength to reach out for help. People will begin showering you with unsolicited advice and old-wives tales as soon as they learn about you. Apply only what fits for you. But, pay closer attention to the advice and insight that your own doctor (who knows you and your body) has to offer you.
4. Communicate with your partner. Your partner cannot read your mind. If he or she is used to you thriving on being Miss Independent, like my boyfriend was, there is no way for him/her to know that things have shifted. We might say or think things like, "he should just know," but that's really not a fair assumption.
5. Fight fairly. You are going to feel more sensative than ever and more triggered than ever. You'll need more emotional support than you ever have. In my case, pregnancy took the nice edge off of me. I didn't turn into a complete raging bitch, but if I am triggered by something, there is no holding it in. If I try to hold something in, within hours I'll be crying and letting it out. My weakness was that everytime I was upset, I'd say something to the effect of "We don't have to do this. We don't need to be together." With the help of my prenatal counselor, I've learned that that is not a fair way to fight. The truth is that, I do want to do 'this' together. Really what I was saying in that moment was 'I hurt a lot and want you to hurt as bad as I do.' That's not fair to me, to him, or to our relationship. I suggest avoiding my mistake, and making a commitment to never utter those words to each other during a fight. As my prenatal counselor says, they can create emotional hangovers, that over time are hard to recover from. Do your best to speak from the "I" and take a breath before arguing. As long as you are in a relationship that is based on respect and is abuse-free/healthy, these little disputes will actually help the two of you grow as a unit. If you or your partner doesn't fight fairly, get some help!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
"OMG! I'm pregnant!"
After waiting impatiently in line behind dozens of people at the pharmacy to refill my prescription, I discretely leaned in toward the clerk and whispered.
"Do you have pregnancy tests?" I asked softly.
"No. The pregnancy tests are in the upstairs pharmacy," the woman belted back at me, as if she was making an announcement to all of the clients in the pharmacy.
Instead of going upstairs, I ran straight to the parking lot, feeling mortified. I decided to make one more attempt to retrieve a test. I stopped at Safe Way and went to the family planning and oral hygene aisle. First I picked out several bottles of tooth paste and a new toothbrush. Then I walked over to the pregnancy tests, took a breath, looked both ways to make sure there were no familiar faces around me and grabbed a test. I sandwiched the test between the oral products and I was on my way back to work. Rather than waiting until the end of the day to take the test, I decided to just get it out of the way. I carried my entire purse to the bathroom with the pregger test inside of it, peed on it and waited. I didn't buy the test that had a subtle plus or minus sign. No, to the contrary, I bought the test that had a big YES or No so there'd be no confusion in the matter. Thirty seconds later, I looked down and saw a big 'YES' looking back at me. I was trembling with nervousness. Not knowing what to do, I went straight to my office, closed the door and began sobbing uncontrollably. I called my sister and she began talking about how excited she was and what a blessing this was. Although it was a blessing and I would come to think of it as a blessing, in that moment, I just needed to be told that everything was going to be ok. I had to figure out how I'd tell my Catholic parents, how to survive in my Catholic-affiliated work place as an un-wed, pregnant woman, and then I'd be able to think of it as a blessing.
I had already planned to visit my significant other after work, because I had both of his phone chargers and without them, he had no way to use his phone. This meant, however, that it would take me more than eight hours to be able to share the news with him. When I finally got to his place, he was fixing dinner and pouring wine for his roommate, himself and me. I stopped him.
"I'm not feeling like having any wine today. I'll have water instead," I explained.
The three of us sat in the living room, nibbling on salmon. I sipped my hot water as my boyfriend and his roomie sipped their wine. Then, when his roomie went to the bathroom and the two of us were left alone in the living room, the news came.
"How are you? How come you aren't having wine today? You feeling ok?" he asked.
I looked at him, but could say nothing. He knew.
"This is new life content, baby," he said. "We'll be alright."
And, with that, the journey began. It has been filled with ups, downs, highs, lows, excitement, terrifying moments, and hope. If you're a free spirited couple or single person in your late twenties or early thirties and you find yourself expecting when you weren't planning to be expecting this blog is especially you. If you're a friend, a relative of someone who fits that category or are simply looking for some entertainment, this blog is for you too:-).
What to do when you weren't expecting to be expecting.
1. Breath. Everything will be ok. You will get through this one way or another.
2. Reflect. Is having a child a viable option for you? Do you want to be a parent? If you answered 'yes' to those questions, you can find a way to make it happen. Nine months is longer than you realize.
3. Let yourself cry. It doesn't matter how old you are or how ready you thought you'd be when you got to this moment, you're here now and it's likely different than you imagined it to be. On top of that, there are crazy hormones raging through your body, heightening every emotion that you experience.
4. Talk to your significant other. If you're lucky enough to be in a stable relationship when you get into this situation, communicate with each other and explore ways for surviving. Worry less about cementing a plan for the future and more about getting through each day at this point.
5. Find a support system. It might be better to rely on friends at this early stage in the game. Our friends, our chosen family, are often more in line with our adult choices in life than our family members. If you feel safe and supported with family members, go ahead and choose one to confide in. If you're not ready to tell your parents, but you have a close relationship with your sibling and can trust him/her to keep your news confidential, go for it. The key is that this is your life and you have the right to share your news at your own pace, in a manner that feels safe to you.
I had already planned to visit my significant other after work, because I had both of his phone chargers and without them, he had no way to use his phone. This meant, however, that it would take me more than eight hours to be able to share the news with him. When I finally got to his place, he was fixing dinner and pouring wine for his roommate, himself and me. I stopped him.
"I'm not feeling like having any wine today. I'll have water instead," I explained.
The three of us sat in the living room, nibbling on salmon. I sipped my hot water as my boyfriend and his roomie sipped their wine. Then, when his roomie went to the bathroom and the two of us were left alone in the living room, the news came.
"How are you? How come you aren't having wine today? You feeling ok?" he asked.
I looked at him, but could say nothing. He knew.
"This is new life content, baby," he said. "We'll be alright."
And, with that, the journey began. It has been filled with ups, downs, highs, lows, excitement, terrifying moments, and hope. If you're a free spirited couple or single person in your late twenties or early thirties and you find yourself expecting when you weren't planning to be expecting this blog is especially you. If you're a friend, a relative of someone who fits that category or are simply looking for some entertainment, this blog is for you too:-).
What to do when you weren't expecting to be expecting.
1. Breath. Everything will be ok. You will get through this one way or another.
2. Reflect. Is having a child a viable option for you? Do you want to be a parent? If you answered 'yes' to those questions, you can find a way to make it happen. Nine months is longer than you realize.
3. Let yourself cry. It doesn't matter how old you are or how ready you thought you'd be when you got to this moment, you're here now and it's likely different than you imagined it to be. On top of that, there are crazy hormones raging through your body, heightening every emotion that you experience.
4. Talk to your significant other. If you're lucky enough to be in a stable relationship when you get into this situation, communicate with each other and explore ways for surviving. Worry less about cementing a plan for the future and more about getting through each day at this point.
5. Find a support system. It might be better to rely on friends at this early stage in the game. Our friends, our chosen family, are often more in line with our adult choices in life than our family members. If you feel safe and supported with family members, go ahead and choose one to confide in. If you're not ready to tell your parents, but you have a close relationship with your sibling and can trust him/her to keep your news confidential, go for it. The key is that this is your life and you have the right to share your news at your own pace, in a manner that feels safe to you.
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