I don't know why, but this excited me! We immediately got on the phone with each other. Like me, Mandy wanted a child someday, but was caught completely by surprise when she learned that she was carrying a baby in her belly. We swapped stories about adjusting to the new life content, navigating pregnant life with our significant others, and dealing with the hormones and heightened emotions that come along with pregnancy.
Just two days earlier, I met one of my dear friends and her eight-month old daughter for lunch. We'd met two years earlier in Indonesia. Like me, she was a free-spirited woman and world traveler. She revealed that her life took a 180 degree spin, when she became a mom.
The common themes between all of the conversations that I have with expecting mothers is that we all feel like our significant others don't always get us. Interestingly, the women that I've spoken with who are already moms say the same thing. Some even recall sometimes strongly disliking their significant other from time to time during pregnancy. The reality is that our bodies are changing and getting larger by the minutes, we're more tired than ever, we feel sick a portion of the time and bloated all of the time, our boobs are taking off, our clothes are getting snugger, and the list goes on.
If you are father-to-be or a partner of an expecting woman and you're wondering what to do to make it through the next nine-months peacefully, here are some ideas.
1. Communicate. If you and your partner are pro-active about communicating, discussing your feelings, worries and thoughts that came up during the day with each other, you're less likely to have a blow-out. My significant other sometimes says he's looking forward to talking and then when I remind him that he wanted to talk, he says 'not now...let's keep it light today.' That doesn't work well for a pregnant woman or perhaps women in general.
Later when I brought this up to him, he said that his reason for wanting to put off some of the difficult pregnancy/parenting conversations was his fear of confrontation and conflict. Perhaps, he thought that if we didn't talk about tense topics, they would go away. For many women--particularly pregnant women, the unspoken topics are the ones that give us the most anxiety. If you integrate conversation and communication into your daily routine, then there's less likely to be a blow-out or built up hurt feelings, and you're more likely to have a stronger relationship.
2. Never tell us that you like the extra cush on our tush or that we look good with the extra fluff.
Even when we're not pregnant, we work hard to accept our bodies. It doesn't matter how positive your intentions might be, we will hear you acknowledging that you think we're fat. Chances are, we won't take it as a compliment. If you'd like to give a compliment about our appearance, try 'you look great today,' or 'you are beautiful.'
3. Cut back on alcohol and pot or take a nine-month break along with us.
Right now, our entire lives revolve around the babies growing in our tummies. We think about everything from eating pesticide-free fruits and vegetables, consuming enough iron and protein (particularly for those of us who are vegetarians), avoiding mercury-filled fish, and getting enough exercise for us and our growing babies while dealing with fatigue and nausea. Many of us long for a delicious glass of wine with our dinner, a few drinks while we're out dancing, or even a little herbal medicine from time to time. But, the reality is, we can't and won't do those things, because we are making decisions not just for us, but also for a baby. If you want to be a kick-ass significant other, cut back or quit along with us. If you opt to just cut back, seriously stick to one to two drinks, so that you're still able to drive. When we have enough energy to drive at the end of a night out, we'll let you know. Remember, there is a growing human in our bellies that sometimes makes us feel like it is sucking the life out of us. We need you to be sober and present along with us.
4. Be honest.
Don't say or do things for the sake of pleasing us. We will see through that. Instead be honest. Strive to do the right thing simply because you want to be a supportive significant other and you want to be a good father. Don't hide things from your significant other or behave well only when you think she is watching. In that same vain, don't be afraid to state your boundaries. If you go someplace you don't really want to go just so you don't have to deal with an adverse reaction from your significant other, you might feel resentful. Be honest and politely share your thoughts.
5. Have regular date nights.
Yes, it's true. You may be on a bit of a budget as you're preparing to introduce a third party into your relationship in a very permanent way. But, it's important to maintain and even strengthen the relationship you have with each other right now. Although you'll embark on a fantastic journey when the next member of your family arrives, treasure the days that you have as a duo. Most importantly, date nights--whether in the form of a dinner and a movie, dinner with friends, a night out dancing or a long weekend hike--keep your relationship fresh and exciting.
6. Exercise with your significant other.
Not only is your partner's doctor reminding her to exercise everyday, her doctor is asking if the daddy (ie: YOU) is exercising along with her. As you might already be finding out, many expecting fathers put on weight along with their pregnant partners. Additionally, you are both likely stressed and can use the release that comes along with physical activity, so go for it. If you make a pact to go for a daily walk together, it'll hold you both accountable. Making this a daily ritual can keep you both in shape and ease her delivery when your son or daughter is ready to come into the world.
7. Cook/Eat together.
Taking time to prepare food and eat meals together can be incredibly rewarding. My boyfriend loves meat and wheat. I am a vegetarian/pescatarian. We have fun figuring out a menu that'll satisfy both of us. We frequently resort to such options as quinoa Greek salad, salmon, Indian, and Latin food combos.
8. Read your expecting father books.
She will love you for taking the initiative to inform yourself and learn about the parenting process and the pregnancy experience. Talk to her about what you are learning. When I'm having a pain or experiencing a symptom and my boyfriend says, "Oh honey, I think this is what is happening. I read that is what occurs during the 16th week," I love him even more.
9. Offer up back massages whenever you have the energy and maybe she'll return the favor when she has the energy.
When she's trying to hold up her ever-expanding belly and adjust to carrying around extra weight, not only is it harder for her to maintain her posture, she is likely more stiff than ever. She will adore you for the massage and will be sleeping within minutes.
10. Remember that patience is a virtue.
This one needs no explanation. Your patience will likely frequently be tested while you go through the pregnancy journey with your partner. Take a deep breath, count to three before you speak harsh words and choose your words carefully. Words are not retractable once they've been spoken. Also, now, more than ever, your partner is craving stability like she never has before.
5. Have regular date nights.
Yes, it's true. You may be on a bit of a budget as you're preparing to introduce a third party into your relationship in a very permanent way. But, it's important to maintain and even strengthen the relationship you have with each other right now. Although you'll embark on a fantastic journey when the next member of your family arrives, treasure the days that you have as a duo. Most importantly, date nights--whether in the form of a dinner and a movie, dinner with friends, a night out dancing or a long weekend hike--keep your relationship fresh and exciting.
6. Exercise with your significant other.
Not only is your partner's doctor reminding her to exercise everyday, her doctor is asking if the daddy (ie: YOU) is exercising along with her. As you might already be finding out, many expecting fathers put on weight along with their pregnant partners. Additionally, you are both likely stressed and can use the release that comes along with physical activity, so go for it. If you make a pact to go for a daily walk together, it'll hold you both accountable. Making this a daily ritual can keep you both in shape and ease her delivery when your son or daughter is ready to come into the world.
7. Cook/Eat together.
Taking time to prepare food and eat meals together can be incredibly rewarding. My boyfriend loves meat and wheat. I am a vegetarian/pescatarian. We have fun figuring out a menu that'll satisfy both of us. We frequently resort to such options as quinoa Greek salad, salmon, Indian, and Latin food combos.
8. Read your expecting father books.
She will love you for taking the initiative to inform yourself and learn about the parenting process and the pregnancy experience. Talk to her about what you are learning. When I'm having a pain or experiencing a symptom and my boyfriend says, "Oh honey, I think this is what is happening. I read that is what occurs during the 16th week," I love him even more.
9. Offer up back massages whenever you have the energy and maybe she'll return the favor when she has the energy.
When she's trying to hold up her ever-expanding belly and adjust to carrying around extra weight, not only is it harder for her to maintain her posture, she is likely more stiff than ever. She will adore you for the massage and will be sleeping within minutes.
10. Remember that patience is a virtue.
This one needs no explanation. Your patience will likely frequently be tested while you go through the pregnancy journey with your partner. Take a deep breath, count to three before you speak harsh words and choose your words carefully. Words are not retractable once they've been spoken. Also, now, more than ever, your partner is craving stability like she never has before.
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