Coping with Unsolicited Advice & Loaded Questions

It's amazing how much advice you'll find that people have for you when you're pregnant. Sometimes it comes out in a straightforward manner and other times it comes out through sarcasm, loaded questions and implied craziness. Here are some of my 'favorites.'

1. "What??? You're going to have what kind of birth? You're not having an epidural!? Are you nuts?" 


About half of all babies born in the United States are born to a mother who has had an epidural, which means that almost half are born to mothers who haven't had epidurals. I have quite a few friends who've given birth naturally or with the help of a non-invasive pain killer and a handful who've had epidurals. I think the way that we choose to bring our off-spring into the world is incredibly personal. My pilates instructor opted for an epidural after hours and hours of labor, which was a perfect choice for her. My friend in Australia made it to the hospital eighteen minutes before her baby was born and swears by giving birth the natural way. Another friend had a water birth in her own home, which was perfect for her. The bottom line is that only you know which method is right for you. In my case, I manage my health through Western and Ayurvedic medicine/holistic practices, so I am planning to go as natural as possible. In response to the people who question why anyone in their right mind would forego an epidural...
*It's personal. I'm not having one, but you can if you'd like to when you have you're baby. If you had one when you gave birth, don't judge me for not having one.
*On the medical side, there is risk of having a sudden drop in blood pressure and a severe headache caused by leaking of spinal fluid, shivering, ringing of the ears, a backache, soreness where needle is inserted, nausea and difficulty urinating.
*Pushing become more difficult, making it necessary to add meds such as Pitocin or to utilize a vacuum extraction or a cesarian for the actual birth.
*The lower half of your body is numb for a few hours after the birth and some babies have a hard time latching on for breast feeding.
*Permanent nerve damage can occur.
*Oh, and lastly, there has been a slight increase in deaths associated with epidurals since the mid 1990s. (It is rare that this would happen and it shouldn't deter you from having an epidural if that is what you feel is right for you, but again..it's such a personal area. So if someone is doing something different than you, opt to respect that.)

2. "Now that you're having your baby, your life is over..so get ready!" 


I refuse to believe that my life ends when my child's life begins. Instead, I think it's more imperative than ever that parents continue to live, learn and grow along with their babies. There's no need to give up your hobbies or give up on a dream that you had..it might simply be necessary to tweak and prioritize. If you were a big partier before your baby was born, it's probably a really good time to trade in that habit. But, for the sake of you and your child, make sure not to assume that your life is over.


3. "Are you going to make your baby be a vegetarian?"


God, I hate this question. I'll always prepare high-protein foods for my family. If my significant other would like to prepare meat for himself and the baby, I certainly will not stop him.


4. "You're vegetarian!?? Are you getting enough protein?" an old lady sitting beside me on a plane barked at me. 


Yes! There are tons of ways to get protein..nuts, beans, lentils, cheese and the list goes on.

5. "Now that you're pregnant, don't be surprised when you start craving meat. And when you do, make sure you eat it, your body is craving that for a reason."


Now that I'm pregnant, I crave more chipotle, Indian buffet and chocolate than before, but never do I crave meat. I am sure that some people, who avoid meat simply because of health, might crave it. In my case, if it has a face and it walks, I can absolutely not eat it and there is no chance that I will crave it.


6. "Don't be afraid to let yourself be vulnerable and be a stay-at-home mom."


I have absolute respect for women who choose to be stay-at-home moms, but that is not something within the realm of consideration for me. I love the work that I do and I am a multi-faceted woman. I believe that I can be a mom and a professional at the same time. At a practical level, although I'm not afraid to be emotionally vulnerable, I wouldn't allow myself to be fiscally vulnerable as an unwed mother.


7. "You're pregnant!? How did that happen?" asked one of my students as his face turned bright red.


Ummm...the regular way. Even though it is 2011 and close to half of all babies born in the U.S. are born to unwed parents, even the most liberal people are sometimes thrown off by the thought of an unwed pregnant woman.

8. "You better get organized and start buying stuff for your baby. You can't do this (parent) the way you run your own life. You can't be in the hospital giving birth and then send your friend to a department store to pick up stuff for you. You can't fly by the seat of your pants!" 


First of all, everybody and their mother is buying stuff for my baby, which I totally appreciate. Second, when I was a single woman, it wasn't an issue to fly by the seat of my pants a bit. I could decide on Friday that I wanted to travel and do it because nobody depended on me. When I have a child and a partner in the mix, of course, I'm operating out of a different frame of mind.


9. "You're planning to breastfeed? Maybe you should do a mix of formula and breast milk so that your significant other can help more in the night time," offered up a friend who doesn't have kids. 


Ummm, thank you. Let me know how this goes for you after you have a baby. Otherwise, I'll also have to work with my baby to find her rhythm.

10. "Be careful with the name you choose. You don't want kids to make fun of it at school. That name is too long. Choose at least two names, in case you want to rename the baby after she is born."


Thank you. The name is a surprise. We will definitely not change our mind, but I just nod and smile when I get the name advice. If you have family members or friends who will shower you with advice about the name, consider keeping it completely private. Once the bundle of joy arrives and is already named, they'll have no choice but to love your baby regardless of what her or his name is.