Gratitude--Recipe for a Successful Prenatal Relationship

Managing relationships while pregnant or even when you're not pregnant is somewhat like mastering a recipe. You figure out what works and what doesn't work, what you can do to make the experience even more delicious and flavorful, and the more you practice, the better it gets. In my relationship, the key ingredients are two willing spirits, a sense of humor, communication, forgiveness, a desire to grow, gratitude, reciprocity, and patience!

I've heard that getting pregnant when you have all of your ducks completely in a row (although I'm wondering who, other than perhaps the Duggar family who has an entire army of children and is always preparing for the next one, really has their ducks in a row). When you learn that you are expecting before you were expecting to be expecting, it's a whole different ball game. All of a sudden, some behaviors that seemed fine or tolerable when it was just the two of you, need to be tidied up. Us mothers have a baby growing inside of us so our bodies and babies demand that we start taking care of them in every way possible. Our energy evaporates and we need to rely more than ever on either our support system or on our significant others. I have heard a few stories of relationships that ended right before or after a mother was impregnated...and I have a huge sense of empathy for those women. In my relationship, as my significant other and I were navigating what parenthood meant for our relationship and figuring out which behaviors needed to be tidied up, we went through a whirlwind of emotions, debates, sometimes small arguments, and some occasional crying. Being the independent woman that I am, I would sometimes say, "I can do this alone," when things got heated or difficult. And while I probably could do that if I absolutely had to, the truth is that I want to do this as a team. By this, I mean the whole thing, my relationship and the raising of our daughter. Some men, when pressed or pressured might say, "F*** it, do it alone then." My man, however is not among them and I am grateful.

Since getting pregnant, I've become really skilled at voicing my authentic truth. Sometimes it boils down to, "When you do or say  X, I'm impacted in this way. I'm not willing to co-parent with someone who does or says X." Mind you, I don't have any friends who haven't found some issue to address with their partners during pregnancy. I love the way that my dear colleague phrased it. She'd explain to her partner that she wanted him to tidy up some behaviors or be more present and she wanted him to do it, because he knew it was the right thing to do as a parent. And then, she'd back off and let him navigate, digest and find his way. My pilates instructor gives her boyfriend and baby daddy feedback about what she needs from him from a place of gratitude. I know other people who use other strategies or simply don't communicate at all, but I really think the prior two examples are fair ways to communicate with a partner. At one point, after sharing some concerns with my boyfriend, he changed his behavior but became really resentful with me. It's sometimes easier for humans to externalize the issue at hand than look within. He stopped playing music for me, stopped offering back massages, stopped doing all of the kind things that made him into the man that I fell in love with. I felt like he was punishing me. A week into this, I couldn't take it anymore. I had a heart-to-heart with him and told him that I could feel his resentment and also let him know that it was completely optional to be with me, that he could always opt out if he wanted to. That is when he shared that he was struggling with all of the changes he was making and revealed that he was still digesting and making sense of everything. I was fine with him digesting and making sense of stuff, but I wasn't fine experiencing, what felt like, anger and resentment.

I don't know why, but having the conversation and making the space for each of us to state our truth seems to have shifted our relationship for the better. We are perfecting the recipe for our relationship. We are learning to communicate and to co-navigate life as teammates. Since our conversation, he gradually began picking up his guitar again. He started offering massages. He's gradually getting more comfortable communicating and less afraid of conflict. Note to everyone: never try to avoid conflict by not communicating. Conflict or issues left undealt with will never simply resolve themselves and can fester into much bigger issues. I have no doubt that my significant other is continuing to process some of the changes he is making, but he is on his own journey with that and I respect that. Because I see my man putting so much effort into being the best partner and dad he can be, I'm inspired to be the best woman, partner and mom that I can be. We don't come at each other from a tit for tat (or I'll change this so you should change that) perspective. And, at least in my case, he inspires me to want to be my best self.

This past weekend, he had a friend who wanted to grab dinner with him on Friday, so when more friends invited him to meet them on Sunday night, he considered foregoing the opportunity. I think he felt guilty about leaving me home for a few hours, while he enjoyed some guy time. I genuinely needed some writing time and encouraged him to go and see his friends. If he would have forced himself to stay home, while his friends were right down the street, I would have enjoyed his company, but I wouldn't have gotten any writing done and he would have been wondering what his friends were up to. Carving out some time for each of us to have some personal space was healthy for both of us. When he came home that evening and shared the stories he accumulated from his friends, I laughed so hard I almost fell out of bed. (I'd be remised not to share. His friend, the same friend that brought him out the night that I met him, lives in an apartment and seems to have at least two little roommates--one rat and one mouse. His friend had waken up to the site of a rat sitting on his TV looking at him. When he tried unsuccessfully to catch the rat, he walked to the kitchen to get a bowl of cereal. When pouring out cereal, a little mouse swam out of the cereal box and into his bowl and that was the end of his breakfast.) We just cuddled and shared stories, chatted and laughed ourselves to sleep. Sometimes quality time is more precious than quantity time:).

Earlier that weekend, we were at a social gathering and I became the center of attention and was showered with questions about pregnancy and intimacy, unsolicited awkward comments about whether or not to use an epideral, how small women would like to be 'sewn up down there' post labor, etc. I do talk about some of these topics with close friends who've been through the process, but being put on the spot in front of a group of strangers made me want to be a turtle and retreat to my shell. I caught my boyfriend's eye and did the little, 'let's wrap it up and get out of here' sign and within minutes, he graciously had us on our way. The examples could really go on and on, but you get the gist. In any case, I'm going to leave you with the recipe that is making my relationship delicious. I encourage you to try out the recipe and adjust the portions as necessary.

Recipe for a successful and happy relationship during pregnancy and after:)


A healthy dose of patience. Mama is getting used to her ever-changing body. She is struggling with watching her figure expand day-by-day, while making healthy choices for both herself and the baby. She is going to have far less energy than before, require naps and crave reassurance that everything is going to be ok. Be patient with her Papa is figuring out his role in all of this. He wants to be supportive, but doesn't necessarily know how. He might be working on making some changes of his own, but he will benefit tremendously from patience.

A frequent dose of laugher. It's true that adding another member to your family is a serious subject, but that doesn't mean you need to take yourselves too seriously. Seize every opportunity to laugh.

Willing spirits. Fold a generous portion of this into your relationship! You'll encounter tons of hiccups in relationships, but if both parties have a 'can-do' attitude, you'll find a way to get through. My health care provider provides infinite prenatal classes and they ask that every pregnant woman bring her partner or a supportive party along to each class. My boyfriend has been at my side for each class with a positive attitude and is fully engaged in the entire discussion. I am grateful! I've seen some men in those classes who look resentful about being there. I can't imagine what it would be like to be there with someone who doesn't want to be there. If you're one of those men who are copping an attitude about the prenatal classes, remind yourself how your significant other ended up pregnant and ask yourself how you'd feel if the shoe were on the other foot:-). If you can let your guard down, I promise, you'll actually have fun.

Forgiveness. Sometimes we take five steps forward and two steps back. But don't worry, in this scenario, you're still three steps further ahead then you were in the beginning. You're both going to step on each others toes from time to time. Dad might feel like he's being taken for granted or question if he can do anything right. Mom might be struggling to embrace her rapidly changing body while also moving into the mommy mentality (which is different for every woman). Undoubtedly one of your feelings will get hurt or something will happen to set the relationship off kilter. Talk through it. Listen. Acknowledge your stake in the issue, apologize when at fault, and forgive as soon as you can. As my boyfriend always says, 'tomorrow is a new day.' It is so true!

Gratitude. Appreciate each other for the gifts that you each bring to the table. Don't focus on each others deficits. We already know our deficits. Instead, build on each others strengths. I am grateful for the effort that my significant other is putting into our prenatal phase of life, grateful for his logistics minded brain that is able to formulate a family budget and for his silliness. These are a few of the many traits that make me want to wake up next to him in the morning. What are you grateful for in your relationship and in life in general.

Reciprocity. Humans crave reciprocity in all social interactions. Don't operate out of a tit-for-tat mentality, but be intentional about reciprocating things like support and effort.

A desire to keep growing. Once on a long car trip, my boyfriend and I were talking about all of the dreams we had in life. He expressed regret about not finishing his four-year degree, and joked that maybe he'd teach our baby that she should go to college so she wouldn't end up like her father. He was thinking that now that our family is beginning, his life as an individual was, in a sense, over. School would be too expensive or impractical, etc. I asked him to reconsider. I know this is different than the old school mentality that to become a parent means to sacrifice oneself. But, I think it's powerful if parents set an example for their children by taking risks. Finish a degree if that's what you'd like to do. Write a book. Take a class. Do whatever you'd like, but commit to keeping on growing. We're hopeful that our daughter will grow up to think that it is ok for her to take risks (just like her parents did), rather than the opposite.

Patience. Patience is a virtue all the time, but especially now. Practice it. When you're patience is running thin, give yourself a quick time-out, take a few breaths and get back to life.